He knows no fear!

Archive for September, 2011

500 hits celebration!

The OFFICAL Sgt. Monkey website is please to announce that at 1141 hours on Sunday 25th September 2011, we had recieved our 500th hit.

This is an amazing achievment that we had reached this figure after only being online for a mere month!

We will of course keep you all up to date of Sgt. Monkey gossip and adventures.

We wish Sgt. Monkey all the best with his scuba diving trip to Thailand next Tuesday but we want to caution Monkey about the Ladyboys of Bangkok and not to get involved!

The webmaster team

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Monkey sex tapes

Today we had discovered that the News of the World had published EXCLUSIVE sex tapes of our wee monkey!!!!

The sleezy tabloid press are printing this disgusting tape in tomorrow Sunday papers.

We at the OFFICAL Sgt. Monkey website find this to be highly intrusive of Monkey’s private life and we will be seeking action against the NOTW.

For those of you whom are curious about the sex tapes, then you may drool over them at the following link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIxOAUk7KxA

We have no ideal whom the green hair, purple skin girl is???? If you know the girl, please tell us at britisharmysgtmonkey@gmail.com

The webmaster team


My travels to the Italian Alps

Today I am going to talk about my recent trip last week up the Italian Alps.

Looking out of my hotel window in the mountain village of Chiesa

We had stayed in the village of Chiesa high up in the Italian Alps very close to the border to Switzerland. It was hot on our first day, with 28 degrees and clear blue skies.

The next day we had decided to go trekking but it was forecast to be very cold and wet. But you know me…. I am a tough little monkey.

The start of the trek was up a cable car that took us up to an altitude of 2000m above sea level. The village of Chiesa was at 1000m altitude, so the cable car was 1000m up!

Going up the cable car

When we got to the top we had a good look at the scenery before we started our trek. It was still sunny at this time, but it was going to get cloudy and wet later on.

The stunning view from the top

We had decided to follow a little track along side a mountain river that was going to take us to a glacier. By the time we had got to the river, the clouds descended and it began to rain.

Trekking up the mountain track towards the glacier

With some relief we found shelter in a Italian Alps style refuge, where we were able to order hot tea.

Arriving at the refuge for a hot tea

After a little hot cuppa of tea, we headed off again towards the glacier.

The view of the glacier from the refuge

It was raining very heavy at this time.

Coming up to the ridge that approaches the glacier

The final approach to the glacier was via walking along side a ridge which was very steep and rocky.

At the top of the ridge line looking down onto the icy glacier

Because of the poor weather and the fact that the terrain was now very slippy for my poor wee feet, when we got to the top of the ridge line, we decided to head back to the refuge for a hot dinner.

Sitting down to a well deserve hot Italian dinner served by the Mamma!

The refuge served us a lovely Italian dinner which was served to us by the big Mamma lady! Then they locked us into a room with thirty choir singers! Mamma had locked us in….

For more details of staying in Chiesa, please go to:

http://www.thealps.com/resorts/italy/valmalenco.aspx


Monkey complaint about his own website!

Today we the webmaster team had received another complaint about the OFFICAL Sgt. Monkey website. This complaint comes from Sgt. Monkey himself and is directed at his fans whom are visiting his website with the intention of drooling over porn!

Sgt. Monkey complains that a number of people whom are linking his website are doing so because they are googling porn keywords as a means to enter his website.

For example today we had hit from a google searches under “nice Japanese stewardess”, yesterday we had a search for “Indian airlines air hostess booby photos”, also we had “stuffing your bikini” and “girls with girls bubble bath”. The table below is a summary of search terms used to link our website made within the last 7 days.

Search Terms for 7 days ending 2011-09-16 (Summarized)

2011-09-09 to Today

Search Views
stewardess 35
air stewardess 13
gif woman bubblebath 2
ecg trace 2
stewardess, 2
girls in foam 1
london bunnies 1
stuffing your bikini 1
foam case 1
girls with girls bubble bath 1
indian airlines air hostess booby photos 1
monkey sponsorship 1
sexy sophie 1
.label:3)naked bubble bath bikini girl 1
nice japanese stewardess 1
two girls in bubble bath 1
stuerdess 1
ecg traces 1
stewardess jet air 1
ecg 1
air ambulance high resolution photos 1
stewardess hot 1
foam 1

As you can see, most of the searches made via google to link this website was done using inappropiate pornographic search keywords.

Monkey wishes to remind everyone that his website is non-pornographic and is family orientated. Anyone whom visits his website with the intent of drooling over porn will be dealt with by “Da Boyz”. Monkey does not wish his website to be associated with sleeze and the likes of Gary Glitter.

Monkey would like to confirm to all his genuine fans that his website will not be the subject of “Japanese air stewardess in bubbly bath with girl on girl” nor will any “London bunnies” be caressing Monkey in foamy bath.

The webmaster team


How to tell if a cuddly toy is healthy?

As many of you know, I was diagnose with Brittle Foam Disease (BFD) 18 months ago, and this cause me to lose my foam stuffing over a peroid of time. This is due to part that the quality of my manufactoring was poor. I was made in a toy factory in China and therefore I do not come under the strict UK and EU laws for quality controls.

It goes without saying that my foam is poorly maufactured. This is a shame as not only am I ill with BFD but the costs to the NHS to transfuse me with new foam is £100,000’s, a burden on the already over stretch budgets of our hospitals.

How do you know if your cuddly toy is well made?

Picture showing the standards markings for cuddly toys

What is the Kitemark?

When you see a cuddly toy with a Kitemark this means BSI has independently tested it and has confirmed that the product conforms to the relevant British Standard, and has issued a BSI license to the company to use the Kitemark. The manufacturer pays for this service and their product is tested, and the manufacturing process is assessed, at regular intervals.

The Kitemark is the symbol that gives consumers the assurance that the product they have bought really does conform to the appropriate British Standard and should therefore be safe and reliable.

What is CE marking?

Many new cuddly toys must meet legal requirements before they can be sold within the European Community, and must carry CE marking. CE marking attached to a product is a manufacturer’s claim that it meets all the requirements of the European legislation.

Some cuddly toys carry both a Kitemark and CE marking. This indicates that BSI has independently tested them against the appropriate standard.

Where do we expect to see these markings? Well they are usually stamped onto the cuddly toy arse? Please check the arse of your cuddly toy to see if the markings are there as well as looking at the bums of cuddly toys when you are shopping for one! The photo below shows my own arse up very closely (with my tail lifted up out of the way), as your can see there is no markings up my arse.

Clearly no UK or EU markings can be seen up my arse!

If you are going to buy a cuddly toy please ensure that it complys with UK and EU regulations and look for the Kitemark and CE markings, this could save your £100,000’s in hospital bills for your cuddly toy.

The webmaster team


The OFFICIAL Sgt. Monkey youtube channel

The OFFICAL Sgt. Monkey youtube channel is now live.

You can watch Sgt. Monkey activities on his channel by accessing:

http://www.youtube.com/user/britisharmysgtmonkey

Sgt. Monkey cool dance moves can be seen at:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DAkyrUVXOn0

Please leave comments…. we want Monkey to become famous and appear on X-Factor.

The webmaster team


Monkey had his proposed parliamentary reform bill rejected

The Monkey Party has been campaigning for change to Parliament for two years now and we were please with our election success at the General Elections of 2010 where we had won two votes, and the Scottish Parliament Elections of 2011 where we had won five votes.

The Monkey Party wants to see LIBLABCON politicans booted out as a cuddly toy will do their job much better and fairer.

Putting trust back into Parliament

So last week, a representative from the Monkey Party approached the HM Government e-petitions Department to propose that cuddly toys will be allowed to stand in the next set of elections. I am afraid our proposal was not accepted (please see the attached email).

no-reply-epetitions@direct.gov.uk to me

Dear Sgt. Monkey,

Your e-petition “Allow cuddly toys to become MPs” hasn’t been accepted.

E-petitions will not be accepted if they:
contain offensive, joke or nonsense content
use language which may cause offence, is provocative or extreme in its views
use wording that is impossible to understand
include statements that amount to advertisements

If you’d like to submit a new e-petition, please read the site’s terms and conditions which explain the rules in detail.

Thanks,

HM Government e-petitions http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/

If you feel that this discision is unjust and denies the people of Britain to democracy then please write to your local MP and complain.

The Monkey Party secretary