He knows no fear!

Archive for October, 2011

Rival cuddly toy bloggers!

The webmaster team regrets to say that since the end of the secret love child story, the number of subscribers viewing the OFFICAL Sgt. Monkey website has gone down on a daily basis.

At the height of the scandal, we were getting over a hundred hits a day, with a peak 148 hits on our most popular day. Unfortunately, the number of hits we are getting now is on the decline, with 4 hits so far today and only 16 hits yesterday.

So why is the OFFICIAL Sgt. Monkey website losing subscribers????

After much research the staff at our offices discovered that we have TWO cuddly toy blogger rivals! Are they taking away our fan base?

The first blogger is the Czech Plush Monkey at http://www.theguys.org/Monkey/index.htm

The Czech Plush Monkey lives in the USA but was orginally from the Czech Republic.

The Czech Plush Monkey at work!

His interests includes skiing and cooking.

The Czech Plush Monkey is a keen skier!

He is single and has no children.

The Czech Plush Monkey has his own motorbike!

Our next rival is a cuddly toy family consisiting of a duck, a lion, a dog and a monkey whom all appears to be under the same roof. They are a British group.

The link is http://stuffedtoyland.blogspot.com

The duck and the lion are keen travellers having travelled to Spain, Malaysia and Cambodia – whilst the monkey and the dog likes the TV.

The monkey and the dog are seen watching the TV together....

The duck is the one whom had travelled the most.

The duck at Angkor Wat, Cambodia in March 2011.

Whilst we are amused by these rival cuddly toy bloggers, the serious problem remains – they are taking away Sgt. Monkey subscribers. Without enough subscribers to the OFFICAL Sgt. Monkey website, then we will be financially ruined and will have to close down.

So please subscribe to our blog and not our rivals – we need your subscription fees *AHEM*!

We would also like to mention that our Sgt. Monkey is a lot more interesting read than our rivals because:

  • Our cuddly toy is serving in the British Army and has front line combat experience
  • Our cuddly toy is a keen traveller, having visited many countries around the world
  • Our cuddly toy is a keen mountaineer having scaled Mt. Everest – the highest peak in the world
  • Our cuddly toy is a keen scuba diver and many times had almost been eaten for lunch by sharks
  • Our cuddly toy is a keen cook and is willing to share his recipes with his fans
  • Our cuddly toy is the leader of the fastest growing politicial party in the UK that being the Monkey Party, and had expressed that he will be standing for election in the 2015 General Election.
  • Our cuddly toy is a very naughty boy and has been the focus of many scandals over the years

So please stay with us! Please….

The webmaster team

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Competition: The 10000th hitter!

We have just recieved an email from a Mr C. Scullivan from Nottingham claiming to be the 10000th hitter.

Unfortunately, the judges in the competition do not accept this fan as the 10000th hitter as the official hits count for the OFFICAL Sgt. Monkey website is only at 2704 hits!

Please try again (in about four months time) and thank you for entering our competition.

The webmaster team


Competition: The 10000th hitter!

Competition time – this is the first of many would be competitions on the OFFICIAL Sgt. Monkey website.

The webmaster team is please to state that since our website had been online we have achieved 2700 hits. We anticipate that we will reach 5000 hits late November or early December.

We can only presume that the ever increasing traffic to our website is because more and more people are curious about the adventures, scandals and gossip of our wee cuddly toy monkey. With ever increasing fame for Sgt. Monkey, surely the BBC must employ him to replace Jonathan Ross as the Saturday night chat show host. I think most people would agree that a monkey talks more sense than Jonathan Ross.

We therefore expect that we will reach 10000 hits sometime in the 1st or 2nd quarter of 2012. To celebrate the 10000th hit we are giving away a prize to the 10000th hitter. If you are that person who makes the 10000th hit, then you win. Simple!

The grand prize of this competition is a packet of monkey nuts!

There is no runner up prize for the 10001th hitter!

The 10000th hitter will win a packet of monkey nuts!

Good luck everyone.

The webmaster team


Sex scandal: Aftermath

The sex scandal is over…. our wee Sgt. Monkey was innocent and is not the father of baby Lek.

So where is everyone now?

Tak the hardnut pimp is in Bangkok Bang Kwang prison.

Tak is now in Bang Kwang Prison!

Pom the Thai prostitiute has now left the game and is working in a 5* hotel in Bangkok as a door steward….

Pom now works as a door steward at a hotel!

She greets all the guests who come into the hotel.

Baby Lek has been taken into care and is now being brought up by a highly respectable family….

Baby Lek with her carers.... they are taking good care of her!

Our own Sgt. Monkey has been cleared of all wrong-doing and is reporting back to work on Monday morning….

Sgt. Monkey was seen walking in the park this morning.

The webmaster team


Sex scandal: Monkey’s secret love child day 6

The Jeremy Kyle show was on ITV at 9.30am this morning and what a show it was!

Secrets, swearing and violence!

BUT the truth is now out!

Using a clever disguise our monkey appeared on the show this morning:

Monkey was in disguise as he appeared on the show!

The DNA results shows that Tak is the father of baby Lek and not our Sgt. Monkey!

The lie detector test shows that Sgt. Monkey did not have sex with Pom!

Why did Pom made up the story that our wee monkey was Lek’s father?

Jeremy Kyle suggested that Pom and Tak were using our wee monkey as a means to get British citzenship to live in the UK and to claim child benefits for baby Lek!

Violence errupted on the stage and security was called in to prevent the hardnut Tak beating up our wee monkey:

Violene errupted on the show....

Highlights of the show can be seen here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BwSasvBwfRA&feature=related

Pom and Tak were dragged off the stage, but they gave the following statement to the press outside the studios shortly afterwards:

“I will ******** you ******* in ****** the ******* that ******** monkey ****** will *******ing ****** ***** up my ******* the ******** little ******!”

Meanwhile back in Thailand the Monkey Police Force had made arrests…. and baby Lek has been taken into care of the social services.

The Thai Monkey Police Force made arrests this morning....

The scandal is over…. it look like that our wee monkey did kept his underpants on whilst on hoilday in Thailand last month…. good for him!

The webmaster team


Sex scandal: Monkey’s secret love child day 5

This scandal just isn’t going away….

With the live TV appearance tomorrow morning on the Jeremy Kyle show, will we find out the truth finally about baby Lek?

We sent an undercover reporter to Bangkok, whom had been using a clever disguise to spy on Pom and we can REVEAL Pom’s secret!

Our undercover private eye been spying on Pom!

It appears that Pom has a Thai boyfriend!

We saw him living in Pom’s home and we know he is a drunken unemployed layabout and a hardman! His name is “Tak”.

Is Tak the pimp for Pom?

Is he Pom’s pimp? Is he the real father of Lek? If so, why does Pom lie about our Sgt. Monkey being the father?

Our spy also saw Pom working at the bars last night.

Pom was working the bars last night!

Will Jeremy Kyle get to the bottom of this scandal tomorrow morning.

The webmaster team


Sex scandal: Monkey’s secret love child day 4

The scandal continues….

Is our monkey cuddly toy the father of baby Lek?

Today on the BBC news, it was reported that Sgt. Monkey could no longer cope with the stress of the scandal and threw himself off George IV bridge. We were horrified at this news so we sent a text to monkey’s mobile to see if it was true and we received a text back: “My dear sir, news of my death is grossly exaggerated!”

Sgt. Monkey reported for duty at the barracks this morning. Because of the media frenzy surrounding this scandal, extra armed guards were posted on the barracks perimeter today.

Security was tight at the barracks today!

Feminists protestors were camping outside the barracks today. Despite heavy security, none of them manage to get inside the barracks as the guards were using sniper rifles to take out the protestors one by one.

The feminists were outraged that our monkey was seeing a monkey prostitute and believe that our monkey was making a mockery out of the female rights movement. A riot began – we sent in the riot police.

Riot police prevented the protestors getting to our monkey....

Meanwhile back in Thailand….

Pom was working in the bars again.

Pom was in the bars last night....

Pom was with a client last night….

Pom was with a client last night!

In todays issue of the Bangkok Post, Pom story in her own words was published – here is an extract:

“I saw him drinking at the bar, he was alone and looked cute to approach. I went up to him and he brought me a drink. After chatting a while, he offered me 2000 Baht (£40) to go back to the hotel room. He seem a nice cuddly toy and he gave me his raincoat as we headed outside to the taxi ramp. He was such a gentlemen.”

Because of the media attention surrounding this scandal, Baby Lek is now staying with her grandmother in Northeast Thailand.

Is Baby Lek the secret love child of monkey?

Only one man has the answer to this scandal. Yes, it is Jeremy Kyle.

Monkey and Pom are appearing on the Jeremy Kyle show on Friday morning!

Monkey and Pom have agreed to discuss their problems live on the Jeremy Kyle show on Friday morning. Will the truth come out?

Find out more tomorrow….

The webmaster team