The webmaster team are please to announce the OFFICAL MONKEY CHRISTMAS SPEECH:
“Hello and merry Christmas everyone.
2011 was the year of turmoil, with flooding in Asia, job uncertainly, eurozone collapse and the failing financial markets. But, we need to move forward and be positive for the new year. That is why I am going to get stupidly drunk this Sunday and make a fool of myself putting the past behind me. But next week, the new year starts and we will make 2012 a great year. The Eurozone will pay off it debts, everyone will have jobs, we will have a smashing summer and I am going to party the year away. Auntie L. has already got summer hoilday plans for me and Uncle P. is moving into his new job. We have a lovely new house with a lovely hedgehog and we will be growing vegetables in the back garden whilst the homebrew is brewing in the shed. Thank you for listening and merry Christmas everyone – Sgt. Monkey.”
It had been three months since my emergency foam transfussion operation for my Brittle Foam Disease (BFD) . Today I attended the Cuddly Toys clinic at the Edinburgh Royal Infirmary for my post-op checkup. There I met Dr. Paul whom performed many tests on me this afternoon to see if my foam is holding. Dr. Paul is one of the leading cuddly toy specialists in the UK.
He first asked me to produce a urine sample:
I left the urine sample on the shelf for Dr. Paul:
Dr. Paul then tested my urine sample for Calcium levels:
Dr. Paul found my Calcium levels to be 36.0 mm/l which is a healthy figure for a cuddly toy foam stuffing:
Next Dr. Paul wanted a biopsy of my foam so that he could perform further tests:
Dr. Paul removed 5ml of foam from me:
Dr. Paul examines my foam sample under the microscope:
He then performed the milk test on my foam sample:
Dr. Paul then leaves my sample for 2 minutes:
After 2 minutes my foam samples changes colour to brown!
Dr. Paul analyze the test results and concludes that my new foam implant is of significant quality and density to support me for at least two more years. He want me to repeats these tests again in 2013.
Dr. Paul also states that because I was “Made in China”, my orginal foam stuffing was of poor quality that had caused my BFD illness. He says that anyone whom buys a cuddly toy should ensure that the toy has a EU kitemark label on it to ensure that the cuddly toy is fit and healthy and that the foam stuffing will not become too thin and stitches fall apart.
I will be back in his clinic in two years time.
Sgt. Monkey has expressed concerns that the good deed local hero whom kicked off the abusive foul mouth ticket dodger off the Scotrail train last week is now being investigated by the Police for alleged assault. The complaint comes from the ticket dodger dad!
Full video of the incident is here:
Full story of the fare dodger insisting that he was the victim:
Did the big man used reasonable force? Was the fare dodger verbally foul mouthed to the conductor? Did he explain the situation to the conductor as he claimed in the Daily Mail?
Our monkey will always come to the aid of those in need and will not stop to hesitiate to help out when a situation occurs. (He did bagged a stoplifter last year!)
Was the eviction reasonable? You decide in our vigilante monkey survey:
The webmaster team
The OFFICAL Sgt. Monkey website is now back online after our industrial action yesterday. The impact of our website shutting down for 24 hours had a major impact on the government today. In Prime Minister Questions, the Prime Minister David Cameron described the strike by monkey workers as a “damp squib” as he insisted reforms to their pension payouts was essential.
The full story of the PM response to our strike can be found here:
The National Union of Monkey Performers (NUMP) had hailed the nationwide strike by monkey workers over pension reforms as “historic” – and rejected claims by the Prime Minister it was a “damp squib”. Full story of NUMP strike activities can be found here:
Access to the OFFICAL Sgt. Monkey website was shut down for 24 hours yesterday and we had a round the clock picket line organised at the webmaster offices in Edinburgh. Miss L. was the chief tea maker for the men whom were standing in the cold next to a camp fire. At 3pm, Sgt. Monkey himself came to the picket line and gave everyone a morale boosting speech! He said “FAIR PAY FOR ALL HUMANS AND MONKEYS ALIKE!”
Mr Cameron are you listening????
Despite picket lines at the webmaster offices – some 45 visitors manage to cross the picket lines and viewed our website yesterday.
The webmaster team