He knows no fear!

Archive for October, 2012

Competition – Where’s Monkey?

Well tonight was the deadline for all the entries in our current “Where’s Monkey?” competition and the judges was busy sifting through all the entries for the competition winner.

Before we announce the winner, we will tell you the answer to the current “Where’s Monkey?” photograph.

Our wee monkey is at the top of the world – but where is he?

We can now tell you, where is our wee monkey!


Our wee monkey was at Mount Everest Base Camp in Nepal.

Read about our wee monkey adventures in Nepal here:


Congratulations to all of those with the correct answer.

The winner is….



no one!

As no one bothered to enter the competition.

You know, we had run five of these “Where’s Monkey?” competitions over the past year and we had only had one entry. Why? We are giving away great prizes.

So we are changing the format of this competition to get more people entering the competition. We will no longer offer the competition as such but instead we will offer the “Where’s Monkey?” as a poll and you vote for the right answer.

So for our first ever “Where’s Monkey?” poll we will begin with this photo:

It is a dry barren landscape but where is our wee monkey?

Now you have to vote for where you think our wee monkey is:

Please vote and the judges will reveal the answer on December 31st 2012.

Good luck in your voting.

The webmaster team

N.B. A clue to the place and country of this photograph can be found on one of our wee monkey previous travel blogs.


Competition – Where’s Monkey?

My foster auntie is taking me to Tenerife in Spain for a winter sun holiday.

I will getting some winter sun.

I am excited at the news that I am going to Tenerife in December for some winter sun and sexy girls. I can’t wait to top up my tan and drink cheap booze whilst all my mates in Scotland freeze in artic blizzards.

A quick reminder that the deadline for entry into the current “Where’s Monkey?” competition is October 31st 2012.

All you have to do is to guess where is our wee cuddly toy monkey is in this photograph:

Our wee monkey is at the top of the world – but where is he?

If you think you know the answer and have not entered yet, then please see the link below for the full competition details:


So get guessing and all the best of luck.

The webmaster team

Britain is OFFICIALLY out of a recession – the Monkey Party response

Today news by the ONS that the UK is officially out of the recession is whoopppieee news. For many the sufferring was hard and long – many of us lost our jobs and our businesses. The recession was long, in fact too long. Five years of hardship.

Our wee monkey spent the afternoon in his office writing letters and emails.

We at the MONKEY PARTY welcome this news spin that good old blighty is now on the mend.

Our Prime Minister did it – he got us out of the recession. What a smashing fellow he is, a cracking great Prime Minister. It appears that the last three years – we at the MONKEY PARTY were wrong to criticise our numpty Prime Minister David Cameron. We doubt his ability to get Britain growing again, we made a mockery of him and we oppose his policies – but hey, he did it! He got Britain out of the recession. We were wrong to criticise him.

We at the MONKEY PARTY had written a letter to the Prime Minister. It reads:


“Dear Dave,

You did it, you smashing old crack pot. You got blighty growing again.

Can we join your conservative party and form a alliance!


Sgt. Monkey

Leader of the Monkey Party”


Yes that right, we at the Monkey Party are willing to merge with the conservatives to form the new MONKEY TOFFS PARTY.

For all the wrongs the Torys had, we criticise them and mock them – but we now know what a smashing bunch of fellows those damn Eton boys are.

The Monkey Party secretary

Scotland Referendum: The Crazy Debate!

As you all know, Scotland will vote for it independance from the ruthless English in 2014.

We at the Monkey Party take this referendum seriously.

Putting trust back into Parliament

The two political leaders of this referendum is the Prime Minister David “call me Dave” Cameron and the pretend King of Scotland Alex Salmond.

Our silly Prime Minister David Cameron represents the “no” campaign.

Whilst the pretend King of Scotland Alex Salmond represents the “yes” campaign.

We at the Monkey party believe that the two rivals should fight it out in a battle to the death – a duel to decide on what policys to follow. We will call for this duel to be fought in the Hunger Games arena.

The arena that the two idiots will fight to the death.

The match will be a test of courage and honor. The most deserving honourable politician will win the bout and thus decides on the fate of Scotland.


Both David Cameron and Alex Salmond are tyrants!!! YES TYRANTS!

Thus we at the Monkey Party believes that whoever wins the referendum vote and/or duel to the death will bring destruction to the people of Scotland.

Therefore we at the Monkey Party cannot support either political leader in the referendum because we believe that whoever wins – it will be bad news for the good people of Scotland.

This is the reason why they are both TYRANTS!

If our Prime Minister David Cameron wins the referendum then he will rule Scotland with an iron fist with a dictatorship English government.

David Cameron paramilitary police will crack down on all Scottish resistance.

The border to England will become the new iron curtain if David Cameron wins the referendum.

Resistance will be futile.

We cannot allow this to happen.

BUT what if Alex Salmond win the referendum. He too is a tyrant!

He will self proclaim himself as the King of Scotland and will rule his Kingdom with an iron fist.

King Salmond will be ruthless after he has been crown King of Scotland.

King Salmond will crush any uprising of his Scottish subjects.

Noone will be safe if King Salmond wins the referendum.

We cannot allow this to happen.

It is vital that you do not vote either “yes” or “no” in the Scottish independance referendum. That is why we at the Monkey Party believes that the “maybe” vote is the best vote for the people of Scotland.

This is the reason why: If you vote “maybe” then NOTHING will happen! Absolutely nothing!

We at the Monkey Party believe that the best politician will be the one that keeps his/her mouth shut and not do anything!

This has been proven to be true many times over in the last sixty years of British politics.

Each time a politican leader makes a decision or speaks his/her mind – the result has been mayhem!

That is why we at the Monkey Party believes that a “maybe” vote is the best option for the people of Scotland in the referendum.

Our wee monkey was out on the streets of Edinburgh today campaigning.

PLEASE vote “maybe” in 2014 and don’t let either Cameron or Salmond win.

Scotland the land where real men don’t wear underpants.

Please cast your vote in our poll below:

Scotland Referendum: Yes, No or a Maybe?

Today, the muppet clown Prime Minister David Cameron and the King of Scotland Alex Salmond had agreed on the referendum terms on Scotland independance.

This could led to breakup of the Unitied Kingdom as we know it!

The Scottish Government intends to hold a referendum to the Scottish people on the issue of independence from the United Kingdom in the autumn of 2014. The Monkey Party has spoken before about this important issue for the electorates. However, we at the Monkey Party (which is the fastest growing political party in the UK) will now repeat our views on the intended referendum. We hope that you will understand our view and side with the Monkey Party at the referendum.

We at the Monkey Party will never back a rival political party and therefore we will not form an alliance with any other political party. We do not support the SNP on a “yes” vote nor do we support the Conservatives on a “no” vote instead we at the Monkey Party asks all voters to vote “maybe” at the referendum.

The truth is we politicians don’t know what we are doing! So we are supporting a “maybe” vote!

The Monkey Party takes this issue very seriously! We have carefully examined the facts and decided that “maybe” is the way forward!

We ask all our supporters to vote “maybe” on this important referendum.

Thank you and please vote “maybe” in 2014.

MAYBE is the way forward for Scotland!

The Monkey Party Secretary

Monkey’s secret cockie recipe from Borneo

Tonight I decided to cook some cockie biscuits for the lads in my detachment.

This secret cockie recipe was passed to me by my grandmother. These cockies are easy to cook and taste just as good. They are ideal for packed lunches for the lads when on training exercises (or for your wife if she looking for a wee nibble).

Me checking the ingredients that I need to make cockies.


125g softened butter

100g light brown soft sugar

125g caster sugar

1 egg

225 g self-raising flour

1 tsp vanilla extract


1) Preheat the oven to 180°C (gas mark 4). Please get an supervising adult to help you.

2)  Beat the egg lightly.

Beating the egg.

3) Cream butter and sugars, once creamed, combine in the egg and vanilla.

Stirring in the beaten egg with the buttered sugar.

4)  Sift in the flour and mix together.

Sifting in the flour to the mix.

Mix the ingredients together to make the dough.

5) Roll out the dough and using a blunt knife, shaped off individual cocks (about 6 inches is typical size for a cockie). Place on to baking tray.

Shape each cockie onto the baking tray.

6) Cook for 10 minutes until just golden round the edges.

7) Take out of the oven and leave to harden for a minute before transferring to a wire cooling rack.

8) Finally to decorate the cockie, put some walnuts at the sacs of the cockie and some whipped cream at the bellend.

Decorate each cockie and boobie to your own personal taste.

Alternatively, you can also use the same recipe to make boobies. Shape the boobs into suitable size breasts and once cooked add a cherry to each breast.

My grandmother loves a good cockie or two.

Enjoy your cockies and boobies.