He knows no fear!

The Monkey Party 2013 Budget statement

Yesterday was the coalition government budget statement and what a load of Tesco’s beefburgers a.k.a. horsemeat it was!

Horsemeat the state of our country's finances.

Horsemeat the state of our country’s finances.

Our experts at the Monkey Party HQs listened to the chancellor of the exchequer 2013 Budget speech and whilst we welcome measures to reduce tax and to encourage growth, it is not enough.

Our country is in a deep hole. We are losing credibility and we have just lost our AAA credit rating making our debt more expensive to pay off. Was yesterday’s budget going to restore our country’s pride? The speech yesterday was typical give with one hand, take with the other hand. The poor got poorer and the rich got richer under the budget yesterday.

Our country finances are in a mess, look at this chart.

The Chancellor's financial heartbeat.

The Chancellor’s financial heartbeat.

At first glance this chart looks like a ECG chart and not a GDP chart. It is in fact showing the heartbeat of our chancellor during his speech yesterday. Clearly, he was under stress and he does not have the nerves to deliver a financial winner. In fact, our experts at the Monkey Party HQs thought our chancellor was going to drop before he finishes his speech.

Our key financial experts studies these financial ECG charts carefully and their key findings are: a marked ST-segment depression in the lateral precordial leads (V5, V6) consistent with subendocardial injury. Clearly our chancellor was having a cardiac yesterday as he faced up to the country finances.

Our wee cuddly toy monkey has listened to you. Yes, YOU – the public! We listened to your suffering and feel your pain. We are now going to present our 2013 Budget – the Monkey Party action plan to get Britain growing again.

Our wee monkey was busy today with his election campaign.

Our wee monkey was busy today with his budget statement preparations.

We propose that the key to growth is departing the EU. Ahhh… but that is the far right UKIP and BNP policy I hear you say. But listen, we want to leave the EU and join the powermarkets of the Far East. Yes, thats right, our wee monkey is taking our country to his home of Borneo. We are going to join BUMS (the Borneo Union of Member States).

BUMS currently have three member states, that being Malaysia, Indonesia and Brunei. The United Kingdom will become the fourth member state of BUMS. We will apply to the UN to get official recognition to get the UK become offically part of geographical Borneo. We wil then leave Europe forever. We will no longer be tied to the Euro crisies. Instead, Britain as part of the growing Asian financial Tiger will be on the mend and a proud member of BUMS. We will ask God himself to move our wee island to the South China Sea off Borneo and the new Pope will assist God in this almighty task. Britain will only be 20kms off the coast of Malyasia.

The four member states of Borneo Union of Member States (BUMS)

The four member states of Borneo Union of Member States (BUMS).

As a member state of BUMS, we will adopt the COCO currency. The British Pound is riddled with dept and has lost 66% of it value over the last 30 years due to inflation. However, the COCO which is linked to the coconut reserves of Borneo is a stable currency. It is not based on fractional banking where new money is created as debt thus existing money devalues as new debt is created. Oh no, the COCO is not a fractional banking currency, it is based on a real commodity that is the coconut reserves of Borneo. If we run out of COCOS, we simply plant more coconut trees.

The COCO currency.

The COCO currency.

With us adopting the COCO as our currency, we will be free of the debt crisies of Europe. The COCO each weighing 1kg each will solve our pickpockers crime wave. With each COCO so bloody heavy, pickpockers yobs will no longer be able to run away so easily after doing their bad deeds. So you be able to catch the little devils and duff them up with your baseball bat.

So, what is BUMS key industries? With Britain being recognised as geographically part of Borneo, the climate in the UK will become tropical. 60 million British people will need air-conditioners. Yes, we in the UK will build air-conditioners. Selling 60 million aircon unit will generate real manufactoring growth into our country. Britain will become the aircon powerhouse of the world and you Brits will feel the heat too.

We will become the world leader in aircon industry.

We will become the world leader in the aircon industry.

A new climate will boast our tourism industry. Imagine tourists scuba diving on the tropical coral reefs off Liverpool and imagine the topless babes on our beaches enjoying our new tropical climate.

Scarbourgh Beach, with it tropical climate will be a magnet for tourists with money.

Scarbourgh Beach, with it tropical climate will be a magnet for tourists with money.

This graph represents our tourism industry once we had moved Britain from the North Sea to the South China Sea:

This chart clearly shows how the UK GDP will accelerate after the cuddly toy moon landing project.

This GDP chart clearly shows how the UK will benefit from more tourism following our relocation to sunny Borneo.

Yes, thats right – we must leave Europe and not be dragged down into Eurozone debt. We will physically moved our blessed island to the powerhouse of Asia. Only then can we gain financial growth from the sell of our aircon units and topless babes tourism.

Vote MONKEY in 2015 and let us move to Asia or vote for LABLIBCON and stay in the doom and gloom of the Eurozone debt problem.

The Monkey Party secretary

One response

  1. Pingback: The Monkey Party 2014 Pre-Budget statement | britisharmysgtmonkey

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