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Archive for March, 2014

My travels to Russia in 2014 – part 1

Yesterday, I flew back from Moscow in Russia. I spent eight days in Russia as the head negotiator of a Unitied Nations peace talks to discuss the Crimea crisies with president Putin. Would he listen to the monkey? I also had time to do some sightseeing in both Moscow and Saint Petersburg.

It was cold when I flew into Moscow but not as cold as I was expecting.

Arriving at Moscow's Domodedovo Airport.

Arriving at Moscow’s Domodedovo Airport.

After checking into my hotel, I headed to the Red Square.

Me at the entrance to the Red Square.

Me at the entrance to the Red Square.

The Red Square is the heart of Moscow and together with the Kremlin was recognized as a UNESCO World Heritage Site in 1990, due to their inextricable links to Russian history.

The buildings surrounding the Square are all significant in some respect. Lenin’s Mausoleum, for example, contains the embalmed body of Vladimir Ilyich Lenin, the founder of the Soviet Union.

The Red Square is the heart and soul of Russia.

The Red Square is the heart and soul of Russia.

The Red Square get its name from the Russian word красная (krasnaya) which can mean either “red” or “beautiful”. It is the latter that implies the Red Square. Many tourists falsely thinks the Red Square get its name from the red walls of the surrounding Kremlin walls.

Me in the Red Square.

Me in the Red Square.

The Red Square hosts the annual military victory day parade. Russian military vehicles are paraded through the square. Last years parade is here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjeW74XcAvc

Next on my sightseeing was to visit the Kazan Cathedral on the northeast of the Red Square. This is a reconstruction of the orginal cathedral built in the 17th century.

Kazan Cathedral was rebuilt in 1990.

Kazan Cathedral was rebuilt in 1993.

The orginal cathedral was destroyed in 1936 under orders of Stalin.

The cathedral is very pretty.

The cathedral is very pretty.

The new building is an exact copy of the orginal cathedral.

Next on my visit was the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier on the walls of the Kremlin just next to the Red Square. This tomb contains the remains of unknown soldiers killed in the Battle of Moscow 1941.

The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier is dedicated to the Soviet soldiers killed during World War II.

The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier is dedicated to the Soviet soldiers killed during World War II.

Since 1997, a Guard of Honour of the Kremlin Regiment guards the tomb.

The changing of the guards takes place on the hour.

The changing of the guards takes place on the hour.

The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier was unveiled to the public on May 8th 1967.

The soldiers perform their steps in synchronize steps.

The soldiers perform their movements in synchronize steps.

The changing of the guards attracts a large tourist crowd.

I then inspected the guards.

I then inspected the guards.

Next on my visit of the Red Square was Saint Basil’s Cathedral. It is no longer a church but now a museum.

The Cathedral of Vasily the Blessed, commonly known as Saint Basil's Cathedral.

The Cathedral of Vasily the Blessed, commonly known as Saint Basil’s Cathedral.

As part of the program of state atheism, the church was confiscated from the Russian Orthodox community as part of the Soviet Union’s anti-theist campaigns and has operated as a division of the State Historical Museum since 1928.

Me admiring Saint Basil's Cathedral.

Me admiring Saint Basil’s Cathedral.

After visiting the cathedral I went to the exclusive shopping mall next to the Red Square known as the Glavnyi Universalnyi Magazin (GUM). With the collapse of communism, nowadays the GUM is very exclusive and the rich and famous shop here for top end fashions and jewellery.

Glavnyi Universalnyi Magazin (GUM) known as the State Department Store.

Glavnyi Universalnyi Magazin (GUM) known as the State Department Store.

I was looking at the exclusive yellow diamonds at Tiffany and Co. I was considering getting my auntie a yellow diamond pendant. I was quoted 14,000 Euros. On my army salary I will have to save a while.

It was now getting dark and I wanted to see the Red Square at night. The colour scheme of Saint Basil’s Cathedral is best seen by night.

Saint Basil's Cathedral at night.

Saint Basil’s Cathedral at night.

After dinner, I went to the Kremlin for my first meeting with President Putin. I told him that he must not invade the Ukraine. He then pour his glass of water over my cotton fur and walked out of the conference. I have to be more diplomatic tomorrow at the next scheduled meeting.

With my failure at the first day of the peace talks, I decided to get drunk and visit a brothel.

I went to a exclusive gentlemen's club.

I went to a exclusive gentlemen’s club.

To be continued….

For more information about Russia please visit:

http://www.visitrussia.org.uk

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My peace mission to Russia

Comrades, I have been selected by the United Nations to led a team of peace delegates to Moscow. I am to act as a mediator between the Russia and Ukraine in the crisies that could trigger World War 3 and nuclear apocalypse if I am to fail in my mission.

As you may be aware in recent news, Russia and Ukraine are on the brink of war over the terrain of the Crimea.

A map of Ukraine with the region of Crimea highlighted.

A map of Ukraine with the region of Crimea highlighted.

The United Nations had instructed me to negotiate a peace deal between the two countries.

Troops are being deployed.

Troops are being deployed.

I am to fly to Moscow tonight and I will have my first meeting with president Putin tomorrow in the Kremlin.

People are wanting blood!

People are wanting blood!

I am somewhat nervous but I accept this responsibility of peace negotiator.

Soldiers are forcing people to strip naked!

Soldiers are forcing people to strip naked!

I may get to do some sightseeing too and visit one of Moscow’s famous brothels! But, obviously my mission comes first.

So this afternoon, I am packing my bags for this mission.

Me packing for my trip to Moscow.

Me packing for my trip to Moscow.

Can I bring peace in our time?

Will he listen to our cuddly toy monkey peace negotiator?

Will he listen to our cuddly toy monkey peace negotiator?

To be continued….


The Monkey Party 2014 Budget statement

Yesterday was the coalition government budget statement and what a load of diarrhoea it was.

Our experts at the Monkey Party HQs listened to the chancellor of the exchequer 2014 Budget speech and whilst we welcome measures to reduce tax and to encourage growth, it is not enough. We do not believe that the new sex tax a.k.a. the bonk tax will solve our country debt problems.

We at the Monkey Party believe that the reason why our country is in utter financial turnmoil is because our workers are going to bed late and thus are not performing well at work due to tireness and fatigue. This is costing our country billions!

Is this you at work?

Is this you at work?

Look at this picture, this drunken fool has to be in work at 9am the next morning. Will he be productive at work?

Is this you?

Is this you?

A tired worker is a dangerous worker.

And too right!

And too right!

We at the Monkey Party believe that the key to get our country growing again is to introduce a staying up late tax. This tax will apply to anyone of working age who doesn’t go to bed by 10pm on Sunday to Thursday nights. The tax will be £25 if the worker is not in bed by 10pm.

Our country need it workers to be productive – so go to bed earlier or you pay the staying up late tax.

These fools are staying up late! So they will pay the proposed £25 tax.

These fools are staying up late! So they will pay the proposed £25 tax.

If our workforce go to bed earlier then our manufacturing production will be greatly improved in our industries.

We must not be lazy so go to bed early please or face the tax.

A tired worker sleep on his truck.

A tired worker sleep on his truck.

With the introduction of this new tax, our workforce will be going to bed earlier and hence will be fresher and brighter for the working day the following morning. Our production will be booming with everyone going to bed earlier.

Those who choose not to go to bed will pay the tax and rightly so for not going to work with a 110% commitment.

Look at this chart, with our workforce going to bed before 10pm our country GDP increases:

This chart clearly shows how the UK GDP will accelerate after our workforce go to bed earlier.

This chart clearly shows how the UK GDP will accelerate after our workforce go to bed earlier.

VOTE Monkey and let us get this country growing again.

The Monkey Party secretary


The Monkey Party response to the 2014 Budget by the Coalition Government

Today was the 2014 Budget by the Coalition Government and what a load of donkey dung it was!

Our financial experts at the Monkey Party HQs listened to the Chancellor of the Exchequer as he read out his budget statement in Parliament this afternoon. Our party members and experts became ill listening to today’s budget and our deputy leader of the Monkey Party took a cardiac arrest followed by a major stroke before falling off his chair and breaking his hip.

The poor got poorer and the rich got richer.

We were shocked to learn of the new condom taxation.

Enough is enough.

The government proposal today that anyone buying condoms will now have to pay a 50p condom tax per packet.

Condoms will also come with corporate sponsorship.

Condoms will also come with corporate sponsorship.

We the Monkey Party had also been advised by expert medical professionals that a condom tax could led to an increase in STD’s and unwanted pregnancies. This simply because couples will more likely to have unprotected sex as they are not able to afford condoms with the newly added tax.

As far as we are concern, this condom tax is a tax on pleasure! Can we not even make love anymore without taxation.

The new condom tax comes in force on April 1st 2015.

Now we have the condom tax.

Now we have the condom tax.

We at the Monkey Party HQs will fight against this condom tax.

The government also announced today a new sex tax. This sex tax comes in forces on December 25th 2014.

The government budget statement today suggests that any couple having sex are to pay a sex tax to HMRC. It is expected that couples are to file a sex actitivies form (Form 69) to the HMRC at the end of each tax year declaring the number of times that they had sex.

Failure to declare any acts of sexual intercourse will result in a £100 fine.

Are you declaring your sexual activitites to the HMRC.

Are you declaring your sexual activitites to the HMRC.

We understand that the government intends to enforce this sex tax with the sex detection van. This detection van will ensure that couples are not having sex together in secret and prevents tax avoidance. The sex detection van will roam our streets with their listening devices listening out for sounds of creaking beds and moans of pleasure as well as the legendary G-spot BIG “O” GRRRRRGROAN. A sex tax inspector will call on people doors to ensure that tax is paid to the HMRC. The inspectors will allow you 5 minutes to answer the door to give you time to put your clothes back on.

We also understand that from the budget statement today, the sex tax will have three bandings.

Sex will be classed into 3 bands and thus the appropriate tax rates apply:

BAND 1 LOWER RATE: A quickie* will be £5 tax.
BAND 2 BASIC RATE: A full on session will be £10 tax.
BAND 3 HIGHER RATE: Finally, a threesome will be £20 tax because more people are involved.

*Definition of a quickie is an act of sexual intercourse lasting less than 2 minutes.

From our understanding, self-pleasure masturbation is exempt from this sex tax. That because all of our MPs in Westminister are tossers themselves and want to avoid paying the sex tax.

Assuming sex under the basic rate tariff of £10 a sex session, the annual sex tax bill will be dependant upon how often a horny couple make love:

Once a month £120
Once a fortnight £260
Once a week £520
Twice a week £1040
Every night £3650

As these figures clearly illustrates – a very horny couple or a prostitute can expect a bill of £3650 a year from the sex tax.

We at the Monkey Party believe that couples that are happy in love will not be able to afford to make love to each other and will end up living in a monastery as a celibrate couple.

This couple cannot afford the sex tax.

This couple cannot afford the sex tax.

We at the Monkey Party believe that having sex is the last remaining free pleasure that a person can have without taxation. We are already taxed on drinking, smoking and gambling. Now we have to pay tax each time we make love to our loved ones. Is there anything left anymore that isn’t taxed. Even dying comes with a tax!

We will fight this sex tax and make sex a free activity for happy couples.

SEX SHOULD NOT BE TAXING!

Tomorrow the Monkey Party will published it own 2014 Budget statement. A plan for real growth for our great country.

Monkey was discussing his policies with residents at their door steps.

Monkey was discussing his policies with residents at their door steps.

A wee poem for the ordinary tax payers:

Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he’s fed.

Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Anyway!

Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.

Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his #$%$.

Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won’t be done
Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He’s good and sore.

Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he’s laid.

When he’s gone,
Do not relax,
It’s time to apply
The inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax
Airline surcharge tax
Airline Fuel Tax
Airport Maintenance Tax
Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Cooking Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Goods and Services Tax (GST)
Death Tax
Driving Permit Tax
Environmental Tax (Fee)
Excise Taxes
Income Tax
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Petrol Tax (too much per litre)
Gross Receipts Tax
Health Tax
Heating Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest Tax
Lighting Tax
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Mortgage Tax
Pension Tax
Personal Income Tax
Property Tax
Poverty Tax
Prescription Drug Tax
Real Estate Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Retail Sales Tax
Service Charge Tax
School Tax
Telephone Tax
Value Added Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Water Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
Tax (VAT) on Tax.
And Now they want a blooming Carbon Tax!

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, & our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world… We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middle cl#$%$,a huge manufacturing base, and Mum stayed home to raise the kids.

What in the Hell happened? Could it be the lying parasitic politicians wasting our money?
Oh, and don’t forget the relatively new bank charges….

VOTE Monkey at the General Elections.

The Monkey Party secretary


The Monkey Party 2014 Pre-Budget statement

Chancellor George Osborne will make his Budget 2014 statement to Parliament on Wednesday 19th March 2014. We at the Monkey Party HQs look forward to the Chancellor’s speech but we also know that it will be utter nonsense as he will convince us that we never had it better! Our team of financial experts from the Monkey Party will be analyzing the Budget speech as it is read out.

Don’t be fooled into thinking that our Prime Minister will generate growth in our country.

Did you vote for this man? God help you if you did!

Did you vote for this man? God help you if you did!

Can you trust these two:

Our Prime Minister proud to stand shoulder to shoulder with the Americans.

Our Prime Minister proud to stand shoulder to shoulder with the Americans.

DON’T suffer any more and listen to our alternative Monkey Party Budget 2014 statement.

On Thursday 20th March we the Monkey Party will be presenting our very own Budget statement that will highlight our plan to help to revitalise the devestating country finances.

We know that you all had suffered but only WE at the Monkey Party know how to get this country growing again and to make your life happy and debt free.

Monkey meeting his voters on the streetsdoors this morning.

Monkey meeting his voters on the streets.

Our Budget statement will be online at 1500 hours on Thursday 20th March.

Today our wee monkey was busy reading the Financial Times studying the charts for the UK economy.

Today our wee monkey was busy reading the Financial Times studying the charts for the UK economy.

Our 2013 Budget statement is here: https://britisharmysgtmonkey.wordpress.com/2013/03/21/the-monkey-party-2013-budget-statement/

Vote Monkey and let us get common sense into power.

The Monkey Party secretary