Yesterday, I flew back from Moscow in Russia. I spent eight days in Russia as the head negotiator of a Unitied Nations peace talks to discuss the Crimea crisies with president Putin. Would he listen to the monkey? I also had time to do some sightseeing in both Moscow and Saint Petersburg.
It was cold when I flew into Moscow but not as cold as I was expecting.
After checking into my hotel, I headed to the Red Square.
The Red Square is the heart of Moscow and together with the Kremlin was recognized as a UNESCO World Heritage Site in 1990, due to their inextricable links to Russian history.
The buildings surrounding the Square are all significant in some respect. Lenin’s Mausoleum, for example, contains the embalmed body of Vladimir Ilyich Lenin, the founder of the Soviet Union.
The Red Square get its name from the Russian word красная (krasnaya) which can mean either “red” or “beautiful”. It is the latter that implies the Red Square. Many tourists falsely thinks the Red Square get its name from the red walls of the surrounding Kremlin walls.
The Red Square hosts the annual military victory day parade. Russian military vehicles are paraded through the square. Last years parade is here:
Next on my sightseeing was to visit the Kazan Cathedral on the northeast of the Red Square. This is a reconstruction of the orginal cathedral built in the 17th century.
The orginal cathedral was destroyed in 1936 under orders of Stalin.
The new building is an exact copy of the orginal cathedral.
Next on my visit was the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier on the walls of the Kremlin just next to the Red Square. This tomb contains the remains of unknown soldiers killed in the Battle of Moscow 1941.
Since 1997, a Guard of Honour of the Kremlin Regiment guards the tomb.
The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier was unveiled to the public on May 8th 1967.
The changing of the guards attracts a large tourist crowd.
Next on my visit of the Red Square was Saint Basil’s Cathedral. It is no longer a church but now a museum.
As part of the program of state atheism, the church was confiscated from the Russian Orthodox community as part of the Soviet Union’s anti-theist campaigns and has operated as a division of the State Historical Museum since 1928.
After visiting the cathedral I went to the exclusive shopping mall next to the Red Square known as the Glavnyi Universalnyi Magazin (GUM). With the collapse of communism, nowadays the GUM is very exclusive and the rich and famous shop here for top end fashions and jewellery.
I was looking at the exclusive yellow diamonds at Tiffany and Co. I was considering getting my auntie a yellow diamond pendant. I was quoted 14,000 Euros. On my army salary I will have to save a while.
It was now getting dark and I wanted to see the Red Square at night. The colour scheme of Saint Basil’s Cathedral is best seen by night.
After dinner, I went to the Kremlin for my first meeting with President Putin. I told him that he must not invade the Ukraine. He then pour his glass of water over my cotton fur and walked out of the conference. I have to be more diplomatic tomorrow at the next scheduled meeting.
With my failure at the first day of the peace talks, I decided to get drunk and visit a brothel.
To be continued….
For more information about Russia please visit:
Comrades, I have been selected by the United Nations to led a team of peace delegates to Moscow. I am to act as a mediator between the Russia and Ukraine in the crisies that could trigger World War 3 and nuclear apocalypse if I am to fail in my mission.
As you may be aware in recent news, Russia and Ukraine are on the brink of war over the terrain of the Crimea.
The United Nations had instructed me to negotiate a peace deal between the two countries.
I am to fly to Moscow tonight and I will have my first meeting with president Putin tomorrow in the Kremlin.
I am somewhat nervous but I accept this responsibility of peace negotiator.
I may get to do some sightseeing too and visit one of Moscow’s famous brothels! But, obviously my mission comes first.
So this afternoon, I am packing my bags for this mission.
Can I bring peace in our time?
To be continued….
Today was the 2014 Budget by the Coalition Government and what a load of donkey dung it was!
Our financial experts at the Monkey Party HQs listened to the Chancellor of the Exchequer as he read out his budget statement in Parliament this afternoon. Our party members and experts became ill listening to today’s budget and our deputy leader of the Monkey Party took a cardiac arrest followed by a major stroke before falling off his chair and breaking his hip.
The poor got poorer and the rich got richer.
We were shocked to learn of the new condom taxation.
Enough is enough.
The government proposal today that anyone buying condoms will now have to pay a 50p condom tax per packet.
We the Monkey Party had also been advised by expert medical professionals that a condom tax could led to an increase in STD’s and unwanted pregnancies. This simply because couples will more likely to have unprotected sex as they are not able to afford condoms with the newly added tax.
As far as we are concern, this condom tax is a tax on pleasure! Can we not even make love anymore without taxation.
The new condom tax comes in force on April 1st 2015.
We at the Monkey Party HQs will fight against this condom tax.
The government also announced today a new sex tax. This sex tax comes in forces on December 25th 2014.
The government budget statement today suggests that any couple having sex are to pay a sex tax to HMRC. It is expected that couples are to file a sex actitivies form (Form 69) to the HMRC at the end of each tax year declaring the number of times that they had sex.
Failure to declare any acts of sexual intercourse will result in a £100 fine.
We understand that the government intends to enforce this sex tax with the sex detection van. This detection van will ensure that couples are not having sex together in secret and prevents tax avoidance. The sex detection van will roam our streets with their listening devices listening out for sounds of creaking beds and moans of pleasure as well as the legendary G-spot BIG “O” GRRRRRGROAN. A sex tax inspector will call on people doors to ensure that tax is paid to the HMRC. The inspectors will allow you 5 minutes to answer the door to give you time to put your clothes back on.
We also understand that from the budget statement today, the sex tax will have three bandings.
Sex will be classed into 3 bands and thus the appropriate tax rates apply:
BAND 1 LOWER RATE: A quickie* will be £5 tax.
BAND 2 BASIC RATE: A full on session will be £10 tax.
BAND 3 HIGHER RATE: Finally, a threesome will be £20 tax because more people are involved.
*Definition of a quickie is an act of sexual intercourse lasting less than 2 minutes.
From our understanding, self-pleasure masturbation is exempt from this sex tax. That because all of our MPs in Westminister are tossers themselves and want to avoid paying the sex tax.
Assuming sex under the basic rate tariff of £10 a sex session, the annual sex tax bill will be dependant upon how often a horny couple make love:
Once a month £120
Once a fortnight £260
Once a week £520
Twice a week £1040
Every night £3650
As these figures clearly illustrates – a very horny couple or a prostitute can expect a bill of £3650 a year from the sex tax.
We at the Monkey Party believe that couples that are happy in love will not be able to afford to make love to each other and will end up living in a monastery as a celibrate couple.
We at the Monkey Party believe that having sex is the last remaining free pleasure that a person can have without taxation. We are already taxed on drinking, smoking and gambling. Now we have to pay tax each time we make love to our loved ones. Is there anything left anymore that isn’t taxed. Even dying comes with a tax!
We will fight this sex tax and make sex a free activity for happy couples.
SEX SHOULD NOT BE TAXING!
Tomorrow the Monkey Party will published it own 2014 Budget statement. A plan for real growth for our great country.
A wee poem for the ordinary tax payers:
Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he’s fed.
Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.
Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his #$%$.
Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won’t be done
Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He’s good and sore.
Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he’s laid.
When he’s gone,
Do not relax,
It’s time to apply
The inheritance tax.
Accounts Receivable Tax
Airline surcharge tax
Airline Fuel Tax
Airport Maintenance Tax
Building Permit Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Goods and Services Tax (GST)
Driving Permit Tax
Environmental Tax (Fee)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Petrol Tax (too much per litre)
Gross Receipts Tax
Marriage License Tax
Personal Income Tax
Prescription Drug Tax
Real Estate Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Retail Sales Tax
Service Charge Tax
Value Added Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
Tax (VAT) on Tax.
And Now they want a blooming Carbon Tax!
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, & our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world… We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middle cl#$%$,a huge manufacturing base, and Mum stayed home to raise the kids.
What in the Hell happened? Could it be the lying parasitic politicians wasting our money?
Oh, and don’t forget the relatively new bank charges….
VOTE Monkey at the General Elections.
The Monkey Party secretary
Chancellor George Osborne will make his Budget 2014 statement to Parliament on Wednesday 19th March 2014. We at the Monkey Party HQs look forward to the Chancellor’s speech but we also know that it will be utter nonsense as he will convince us that we never had it better! Our team of financial experts from the Monkey Party will be analyzing the Budget speech as it is read out.
Don’t be fooled into thinking that our Prime Minister will generate growth in our country.
Can you trust these two:
DON’T suffer any more and listen to our alternative Monkey Party Budget 2014 statement.
On Thursday 20th March we the Monkey Party will be presenting our very own Budget statement that will highlight our plan to help to revitalise the devestating country finances.
We know that you all had suffered but only WE at the Monkey Party know how to get this country growing again and to make your life happy and debt free.
Our Budget statement will be online at 1500 hours on Thursday 20th March.
Our 2013 Budget statement is here: https://britisharmysgtmonkey.wordpress.com/2013/03/21/the-monkey-party-2013-budget-statement/
Vote Monkey and let us get common sense into power.
The Monkey Party secretary