The Monkey Party response to the 2014 Budget by the Coalition Government
Today was the 2014 Budget by the Coalition Government and what a load of donkey dung it was!
Our financial experts at the Monkey Party HQs listened to the Chancellor of the Exchequer as he read out his budget statement in Parliament this afternoon. Our party members and experts became ill listening to today’s budget and our deputy leader of the Monkey Party took a cardiac arrest followed by a major stroke before falling off his chair and breaking his hip.
The poor got poorer and the rich got richer.
We were shocked to learn of the new condom taxation.
Enough is enough.
The government proposal today that anyone buying condoms will now have to pay a 50p condom tax per packet.
We the Monkey Party had also been advised by expert medical professionals that a condom tax could led to an increase in STD’s and unwanted pregnancies. This simply because couples will more likely to have unprotected sex as they are not able to afford condoms with the newly added tax.
As far as we are concern, this condom tax is a tax on pleasure! Can we not even make love anymore without taxation.
The new condom tax comes in force on April 1st 2015.
We at the Monkey Party HQs will fight against this condom tax.
The government also announced today a new sex tax. This sex tax comes in forces on December 25th 2014.
The government budget statement today suggests that any couple having sex are to pay a sex tax to HMRC. It is expected that couples are to file a sex actitivies form (Form 69) to the HMRC at the end of each tax year declaring the number of times that they had sex.
Failure to declare any acts of sexual intercourse will result in a £100 fine.
We understand that the government intends to enforce this sex tax with the sex detection van. This detection van will ensure that couples are not having sex together in secret and prevents tax avoidance. The sex detection van will roam our streets with their listening devices listening out for sounds of creaking beds and moans of pleasure as well as the legendary G-spot BIG “O” GRRRRRGROAN. A sex tax inspector will call on people doors to ensure that tax is paid to the HMRC. The inspectors will allow you 5 minutes to answer the door to give you time to put your clothes back on.
We also understand that from the budget statement today, the sex tax will have three bandings.
Sex will be classed into 3 bands and thus the appropriate tax rates apply:
BAND 1 LOWER RATE: A quickie* will be £5 tax.
BAND 2 BASIC RATE: A full on session will be £10 tax.
BAND 3 HIGHER RATE: Finally, a threesome will be £20 tax because more people are involved.
*Definition of a quickie is an act of sexual intercourse lasting less than 2 minutes.
From our understanding, self-pleasure masturbation is exempt from this sex tax. That because all of our MPs in Westminister are tossers themselves and want to avoid paying the sex tax.
Assuming sex under the basic rate tariff of £10 a sex session, the annual sex tax bill will be dependant upon how often a horny couple make love:
Once a month £120
Once a fortnight £260
Once a week £520
Twice a week £1040
Every night £3650
As these figures clearly illustrates – a very horny couple or a prostitute can expect a bill of £3650 a year from the sex tax.
We at the Monkey Party believe that couples that are happy in love will not be able to afford to make love to each other and will end up living in a monastery as a celibrate couple.
We at the Monkey Party believe that having sex is the last remaining free pleasure that a person can have without taxation. We are already taxed on drinking, smoking and gambling. Now we have to pay tax each time we make love to our loved ones. Is there anything left anymore that isn’t taxed. Even dying comes with a tax!
We will fight this sex tax and make sex a free activity for happy couples.
SEX SHOULD NOT BE TAXING!
Tomorrow the Monkey Party will published it own 2014 Budget statement. A plan for real growth for our great country.
A wee poem for the ordinary tax payers:
Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he’s fed.
Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.
Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his #$%$.
Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won’t be done
Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He’s good and sore.
Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he’s laid.
When he’s gone,
Do not relax,
It’s time to apply
The inheritance tax.
Accounts Receivable Tax
Airline surcharge tax
Airline Fuel Tax
Airport Maintenance Tax
Building Permit Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Goods and Services Tax (GST)
Driving Permit Tax
Environmental Tax (Fee)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Petrol Tax (too much per litre)
Gross Receipts Tax
Marriage License Tax
Personal Income Tax
Prescription Drug Tax
Real Estate Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Retail Sales Tax
Service Charge Tax
Value Added Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
Tax (VAT) on Tax.
And Now they want a blooming Carbon Tax!
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, & our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world… We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middle cl#$%$,a huge manufacturing base, and Mum stayed home to raise the kids.
What in the Hell happened? Could it be the lying parasitic politicians wasting our money?
Oh, and don’t forget the relatively new bank charges….
VOTE Monkey at the General Elections.
The Monkey Party secretary