After my defeat in the elections and my fall from grace as leader of the Monkey Party I decided to spend more time with my family and go on a holiday to Spain for a week.
My accommodation was a self-catering rental in the centre of Malaga old town.
Not only were we in the heart of the town for the tapas bars and nightlife but we had a lovely roof top terrace with sunbeds, a roofed patio and a BBQ.
This meant I was able to sunbath away from the crowded public beaches and thus bathe in the nude which is great for getting that all sexy tanned cotton fur.
The next day we went to look at the Moorish fort in the centre of Malaga. The Alcazaba fort is well preserved fort and was built in the 11th century.
The fort has free entry on Sundays.
Next to the fort is a old Roman theatre.
After many days of being lazy and sunbathing we took a hour long bus to Antequera and then a short taxi ride to El Torcal Nature Reserve for some trekking. The park is some 30kms north of Malaga.
El Torcel Nature Reserve is famous for it unusual limestone rock formations.
The whole area was under the sea untill one hundred million years ago. The movements of the Earth’s crust forced it upwards into hills, the limestone kept rising in layered horizontal rock formations.
Over the years, rain and wind had chisel away the rocks to form unusual shapes.
Our walk begins at the visitors centre.
A number of walks are marked out with different coloured arrows. The green route is the shortest at 1.5 kms and is cluttered during the day of school children field trips.The yellow route follows on from the green route and is 2.5 kms whilst the red route is the longest at 4.5 kms. The red route has a viewpoint at 1339m altitude where the coast of Africa can be seen on a clear day.
The green route was very noisy with school trips. Once we had left the green route to join the yellow route, we more or less had the whole route to ourselves as very few people do the yellow or the red route.
It was quite cold and windy up here despite the warm sunshine at the coast before we headed up the mountains.
The nature reserve is captivated with 30 varieties of plant growing in the park.
The flora within the park is protected.
We decided that the next day we would take the three hour bus journey to Seville. When the next day arrived, we were so tired and knackered from our trekking the previous day that we decided to stay in bed. So no three hour bus trips.
I got myself a new hunting knife from an outdoors shop for a fraction of the price of UK shops. This made me feel like a big boy now.
I also went to a sex shop to top up my porn DVDs collection.
Soon our week was over and I had to head back to the barracks for duties.
For more information about El Torcal please visit (you need to be able to read Spanish!):
As a qualified first aid instructor I am now going to tell you about first aid lifesaving skills.
Today I will present the subject of cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR). This is a first aid technique that can be used if someone is not breathing properly or if their heart has stopped. Chest compressions and rescue breaths keep blood and oxygen circulating in the body.
I will demonstrate my teaching with photographs. Even as a wee cuddly toy I can do chest compressions on a fully grown human adult as the photographs will show.
This article is no substitute for attending a proper certified first aid course such as those provied by the British Red Cross or St. John Ambulance. It is therefore advisable for all my monkey fans to attend a course provided by such an organisation and to practice your first aid skills with a qualified instructor.
STEP 1 – ASSESSING THE SITUATION AND PRIMARY SURVEY
Upon arriving onto the scene of an incident you are to assess the situation and carry out primary survey.
Use the letters DRSAB to remember the steps:
Shout for help
Danger: Check the area for any potential dangers such as broken glass or oncoming traffic etc… and if safe to do so make safe the area.
Response: Do they respond when you ask them “Hello, can you hear me?”. Do they respond when you gently shake their shoulders? If the answer is NO then we are to presume they are unconscious.
Shout for help: Shout for help for any potential passers-by to help you.
Airway: If they are unconscious then place one hand on the casualty’s forehead and two fingers under their chin. Gently tilt their head back and lift the chin. This will open up the airway.
Breathing: Check their breathing by maintaining the chin lift. Look, listen and feel for no more than 10 seconds:
– Look to see if the chest is rising and falling.
– Listen for breathing.
– Feel the breath against your cheek.
If they are not breathing then you need to start cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR).
STEP 2 – CALL FOR HELP
Call 999 or 112 for an ambulance, or get someone else to do it.
Once help has been summoned you are to start cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR).
STEP 3 – START CHEST COMPRESSIONS
Kneel down beside the casualty level with their chest.
Place the heel of one hand towards the end of their breastbone, in the centre of their chest.
Place the heel of your other hand on top of the first hand and interlock your fingers, making sure you keep the fingers off the ribs.
Lean over the casualty, with your arms straight, pressing down vertically on the breastbone, and press the chest down by 5-6cm (2-2½in) for an adult resuscitation.
Release the pressure without removing your hands from their chest. Allow the chest to come back up fully – this is one compression.
Repeat 30 times, at a rate of about twice a second.
STEP 4 – GIVE RESCUE BREATHS
Give two rescue breaths with the following procedure:
Ensure the casualty’s airway is open.
Pinch their nose firmly closed.
Take a deep breath and seal your lips around their mouth.
Blow into the mouth until the chest rises.
Remove your mouth and allow the chest to fall.
Repeat once more.
Carry on giving 30 chest compressions followed by two rescue breaths for as long as you can, or until help arrives.
If the casualty starts breathing normally again, stop CPR and put them in the recovery position.
Once your CPR manikin has fully recovered invite the manikin to dinner.
For more information about CPR please visit:
WEBMASTER NOTE: The information in this article does not substitute the need for attending a First Aid training course.
The votes had been counted.
In the Edinburgh South constituency in which our wee monkey was a candidate, it was revealed that the Monkey Party has only got 3 votes.
With 74.8% turnout the winner was Labour with 39.1% of the votes. We congratulate Mr Ian Murray of Labour for winning the seat.
This was a disappointing result for us in the Monkey Party. It is obviously that the people of the UK are turkeys voting for Christmas and that they want more wars, more debt, more wage enslavement, erosion of pensions, zero hour contracts, bank bailouts, QE of money, nuclear missiles. They voted for it!
We at Monkey Party HQs are very upset so we got drunk.
In a shocking statement our wee monkey revealed that he is stepping down as the leader of the Monkey Party.
“Dear Monkey Fans,
I regret to say that I will be stepping down as the leader of the Monkey Party. Since 2010 when we founded the Monkey Party we had represented the ordinary working class citizen of Britain in British politics. It is obvious that the people of the UK want to be wage slaves for the elitism, the federal reserve and central banks, so I have no choice but to resign my position as the people of the UK had voted for more enslavement and not freedom.”
We wish all the people of the UK good luck in their tyranny – they voted for it!
The Monkey Party secretary
– The end –
Today is the day that the public votes.
Please please please vote MONKEY for a real change.
We had listened to you and we know your suffering.
We are the party for YOU.
Don’t let the same old corrupt politicians back in. They don’t represent you, they are puppets working for David Beckham and Posh.
Imagine our wee monkey as your next Prime Minister. No more wars, no more food banks, no more low pay jobs, a country that is fair to all people.
Vote for us and tell your friends about us.
Vote for the Monkey Party today.
The Monkey Party secretary
Tomorrow the country will vote! Today our wee monkey made his final speech of the campaign. His subject of today’s speech was homeland security. It is the Monkey Party priority to make sure that our street are safe. We are all fed up of fraudsters and crooks especially politicians. They are the real crooks not the petty thiefs that lout our streets. The politicians are the worst kind of criminals, they screw each and everyone of us every single day.
That is why the Monkey Party has it own homeland security policy. We are going to build the great Westminister Wall around Parliament. We will contain all the politicians behind this vile piece of concrete and guard it 24/7 to prevent any politician from climbing over it. A bit like the Berlin Wall.
No politician will ever roam our streets ever again and we will all feel safer. Our guards will have a shoot to kill policy when patrolling the Westminister Wall so you can be assure that no crooked politician will climb over the wall and impose a bedroom tax on you.
Tomorrow is your chance to make a real change to how our country is run. Do not vote the same old liars and scumbags and instead vote for the Monkey Party. We are the party for YOU!
Please VOTE MONKEY tomorrow! The Monkey Party secretary