He knows no fear!

Food and Drink

Another monkey’s secret cockie recipe from Borneo

This afternoon, I decided to cook some more cockies for my lovely girlfriend ready for her packed lunch box tomorrow.

This secret cockie recipe was passed to me by my grandmother. I made my cockies using the secret cockie recipe that I had covered here:

https://britisharmysgtmonkey.wordpress.com/2012/10/03/monkeys-secret-cockie-recipe-from-borneo/

My girlfreind loves cockies in the work office and showing them to her girly work mates. Her work mates get so jealous of my cooking skills.

Cockies are delicious when hot from the oven.

Cockies are delicious when hot from the oven.

This afternoon, I felt like being a sculptor artist and I had decided to alter my cockie recipe to create a piece of art based upon a naked girl.

Me checking the ingredients that I need to make my piece of art.

Ingredients:

125g softened butter

100g light brown soft sugar

125g caster sugar

1 egg

225 g self-raising flour

1 tsp vanilla extract

Method:

1) Preheat the oven to 180°C (gas mark 4). Please get an supervising adult to help you.

2) Beat the egg lightly.

Beating the egg.

3) Cream butter and sugars, once creamed, combine in the egg and vanilla.

Stirring in the beaten egg with the buttered sugar.

4) Sift in the flour and mix together.

Sifting in the flour to the mix.

Mix the ingredients together to make the dough.

5) Roll out the dough and using a blunt knife, shaped off the naked girl body on to a baking tray.

Shape the dough into the shape of a beautiful naked girl.

Shape the dough into the shape of a beautiful naked girl.

6) Cook for 10 minutes until just golden round the edges.

7) Take out of the oven and leave to harden for a minute before transferring to a wire cooling rack.

My beautiful naked girl became a fat lady after baking.

My beautiful naked girl became a fat lady after baking.

8) Finally to decorate the fat lady body using baking decoration asscessories.

I enjoyed decorating my fat lady.

I enjoyed decorating my fat lady.

Enjoy your lovely fat lady delight.

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The monkey meat scandal

News this week about monkey meat being used in many of our supermarkets is shocking! Tests by the food standards agency (FSA) suggests that cheap imported monkey meat was being used in our “beefburgers” and “mince meat”. Our own wee monkey express discuss that our food supply chain had to resort to using monkey meat as a cheaper subsititute for British beef. Our wee monkey also say that under no circumstances should anyone be eating monkey meat as he is worried he will be eaten himself. Please when you do your weekly shopping at the suppermarket this week, check that you are buying BRITISH beef and not cheap imported monkey meat – ask questions to your local butcher and make sure that he is not selling you monkey meat.

Thank you and buy British beef.

Allow the monkey to simmer for 20 minutes.

Please do not buy monkey meat from the supermarkets.

(If you do want to eat monkey meat then please read our monkey meat recipe here: https://britisharmysgtmonkey.wordpress.com/2012/03/10/monkey-secret-recipes-from-the-jungles-of-borneo-2/)

The webmaster team


Monkey’s secret cockie recipe from Borneo

Tonight I decided to cook some cockie biscuits for the lads in my detachment.

This secret cockie recipe was passed to me by my grandmother. These cockies are easy to cook and taste just as good. They are ideal for packed lunches for the lads when on training exercises (or for your wife if she looking for a wee nibble).

Me checking the ingredients that I need to make cockies.

Ingredients:

125g softened butter

100g light brown soft sugar

125g caster sugar

1 egg

225 g self-raising flour

1 tsp vanilla extract

Method:

1) Preheat the oven to 180°C (gas mark 4). Please get an supervising adult to help you.

2)  Beat the egg lightly.

Beating the egg.

3) Cream butter and sugars, once creamed, combine in the egg and vanilla.

Stirring in the beaten egg with the buttered sugar.

4)  Sift in the flour and mix together.

Sifting in the flour to the mix.

Mix the ingredients together to make the dough.

5) Roll out the dough and using a blunt knife, shaped off individual cocks (about 6 inches is typical size for a cockie). Place on to baking tray.

Shape each cockie onto the baking tray.

6) Cook for 10 minutes until just golden round the edges.

7) Take out of the oven and leave to harden for a minute before transferring to a wire cooling rack.

8) Finally to decorate the cockie, put some walnuts at the sacs of the cockie and some whipped cream at the bellend.

Decorate each cockie and boobie to your own personal taste.

Alternatively, you can also use the same recipe to make boobies. Shape the boobs into suitable size breasts and once cooked add a cherry to each breast.

My grandmother loves a good cockie or two.

Enjoy your cockies and boobies.


Monkey’s secret recipe for the lads in the military!

They say an army marches on its stomach so tonight I am going to tell you what I feed my troops with.

An nutritional balanced meal comprising of five portions of fruit and vegetables is just what a hungry soldier requires prior to battle.

Sausages is the tradition meal in my own battalion. I am telling you how to cook a sausage and serve it under the false disguise of a nutritional meal.

You need to buy the cheapest sausage going. Tescos basic sausages are 39p for eight and consists of just 38% pork! The rest is processed crap. Sainsburys also sells 38% processed crap sausages as well.

To fry the sausage, use industrial grade cooking oil such as North Sea Brent Crude Oil. The same oil as to what you would fill your car up with.

Overcook the sausages by 10 minutes at least, so the sausage looks revolting and inedbile.

DO NOT cook any vegetables as modern day soldiers don’t require them and thus are exempt from the five portions a day guidelines. Remember our soldiers get their vitamins from drinking vast quantities of beer.

If you do make the mistake of cooking vegetables by accident, don’t worry as noone in the cookhouse will eat them anyway!

Next, serve the sausage with a mouldy looking baked potato. The more gray the texture the worst it will be for our young lads in the forces.

Yummy food served in the barracks.

Enjoy your ONE sausage as their are no seconds. We are skint!

Next send your malnourish lads to Afghanistan.


Monkey’s secret recipes from the jungles of Borneo

Today I going to talk about a local dish that is traditional in my part of the world.

The cannibal headhunters tribe of the jungles of Borneo are very fond of eating monkeys and so today I am going to talk about how to cook a monkey.

Ingredients:

  • 500g monkey
  • Salt and pepper seasoning
  • 2 onions
  • English mustard powder
  • Plain flour
  • Horseradish
  • Cooking oil

Method:

Monkey on the bone is great as the bone acts as a conductor of heat and gives the roast extra flavour. Pre-heat the oven to gas mark 9, 475°F (240°C).

Prepare the monkey meat before cooking.

Preparing a monkey includes chopping the testicles off.

Boil the monkey in a saucepan and allow to simmer for 20 minutes, this ensures that all fleas are removed from the monkey fur before placing onto a roasting tray.

Allow the monkey to simmer for 20 minutes.

A layer of fat on the monkey provides not only basting juices to keep the meat moist and succulent, but you can choose to eat it if you so wish. To make the fat extra crusty during cooking, dust the fat surface of the monkey with 1 level dessertspoon each of English mustard powder and plain flour – just rub them in gently – then season with salt and pepper.

Place the monkey in a roasting tray on top of 2 small halves of onion. The onion will caramelise as the monkey cooks and give a lovely flavour and colour to the gravy. Now place the tray just above the centre of the oven. It will have plenty of fat so don’t add extra. Give it 20 minutes’ cooking at the initial temperature; after that turn the heat down to gas mark 5, 375°F (190°C) and cook it for 15 minutes to the pound (450 g) – this will give you rare monkey. Add 15 minutes to the total cooking time for medium rare and 30 minutes for well done

While the monkey is cooking, lift it out of the oven from time to time, tilt the tray and baste the meat really well with its own juices – this ensures that the flavour that is concentrated in the fat keeps permeating the meat, and at the same time the fat keeps everything moist and succulent. While you’re basting, close the oven door in order not to lose heat. Baste the meat with the juices at least three times during cooking.

To see if the monkey is cooked to your liking insert a thin skewer into the thickest part of the monkey and press out some juices: the red, pink or clear colour will indicate how much the monkey has cooked. When it is cooked to your liking, remove it from the oven, transfer it to a board and allow it to stand in a warm place for up to an hour, loosely covered with foil, before carving – to let all the precious juices that have bubbled up to the surface seep back into the flesh. Also, as the meat relaxes it will be easier to carve. Some of the juices will escape, though, and these should be poured into the gravy. The finishing touch is to serve the succulent monkey with Yorkshire pudding, gravy, seasonal vegetables and creamed horseradish.

Roast monkey is best served with vegetables and potatoes.

Enjoy your dinner!

N.B. No cuddly toy monkeys were harmed in the production of this blog.


Cooking for my girlfriend

I enjoy cooking meals for my girlfriend as she really likes my dishes.

Tonight I had treated her to pasta bolognese.

Me and my girlfriend in the kitchen this evening.

I must say I really did enjoy the desert that followed afterwards *blushs*.


In search of a good coffee

I have to admit I do enjoy a good coffee. So what is a good coffee?

The perfect coffee

For me, a good coffee has a rich and bitter taste, with a little hot milk on top. Of course, the ideal coffee need to be accomplained by a small square of 70% Lindt plain chocolate… or in Uncle P. case, several squares of 70% Lindt plain chocolate. An excellent start to the day.

Of course getting a perfect coffee is no easy work. So many coffees to choose from: is it espresso, americano, latte, cuppuccino, mocha…. Please take the poll and vote: