We bring you the most amazing news…
Our wee monkey is a dad!
At 1221pm on Thursday 5th November our wee monkey became a dad when a baby monkey was won at a 10p slot machine in a North Yorkshire funfair. The slot machine gave our wee monkey a baby monkey when he successfully grab a cuddly toy with a crane.
We at the webmaster offices were totally unaware that our wee monkey was seeing a lady monkey as we all thought that our monkey was dating a sexy Scottish girl who wears a sexy bikini whilst on holiday in Turkey! Obviously our wee monkey prefers other monkeys now! We do not know who the mother is! We can only assume the mum is “Pom” the prostitute monkey working in Bangkok.
But our records shows that our wee monkey has not been to Bangkok since 2011.
Our spies in Bangkok saw Pom working in the bars today!
Is Pom the mother?
Asking our medical advisor to our website, who could be the possible mother, our expert says that in this age of social media it is possible that “Pom” became pregnant through a webcam kinky session! In this day of age, anything is possible! Was our wee monkey doing his dirty deeds through social media and chatting to Pom over the webcam each night?
Is this how Pom appeared on the webcam each night?
Back in the UK, our baby monkey was settling into his new home after spending nine months inside the slot machine.
Our boss has granted our wee monkey time off work for maternity leave.
Our wee monkey and baby monkey will be going on holiday to Portugal next week.
We wish Mr Monkey and baby monkey all the best of luck –
– The webmaster team –
The votes had been counted.
In the Edinburgh South constituency in which our wee monkey was a candidate, it was revealed that the Monkey Party has only got 3 votes.
With 74.8% turnout the winner was Labour with 39.1% of the votes. We congratulate Mr Ian Murray of Labour for winning the seat.
This was a disappointing result for us in the Monkey Party. It is obviously that the people of the UK are turkeys voting for Christmas and that they want more wars, more debt, more wage enslavement, erosion of pensions, zero hour contracts, bank bailouts, QE of money, nuclear missiles. They voted for it!
We at Monkey Party HQs are very upset so we got drunk.
In a shocking statement our wee monkey revealed that he is stepping down as the leader of the Monkey Party.
“Dear Monkey Fans,
I regret to say that I will be stepping down as the leader of the Monkey Party. Since 2010 when we founded the Monkey Party we had represented the ordinary working class citizen of Britain in British politics. It is obvious that the people of the UK want to be wage slaves for the elitism, the federal reserve and central banks, so I have no choice but to resign my position as the people of the UK had voted for more enslavement and not freedom.”
We wish all the people of the UK good luck in their tyranny – they voted for it!
The Monkey Party secretary
– The end –
Today is the day that the public votes.
Please please please vote MONKEY for a real change.
We had listened to you and we know your suffering.
We are the party for YOU.
Don’t let the same old corrupt politicians back in. They don’t represent you, they are puppets working for David Beckham and Posh.
Imagine our wee monkey as your next Prime Minister. No more wars, no more food banks, no more low pay jobs, a country that is fair to all people.
Vote for us and tell your friends about us.
Vote for the Monkey Party today.
The Monkey Party secretary
Tomorrow the country will vote! Today our wee monkey made his final speech of the campaign. His subject of today’s speech was homeland security. It is the Monkey Party priority to make sure that our street are safe. We are all fed up of fraudsters and crooks especially politicians. They are the real crooks not the petty thiefs that lout our streets. The politicians are the worst kind of criminals, they screw each and everyone of us every single day.
That is why the Monkey Party has it own homeland security policy. We are going to build the great Westminister Wall around Parliament. We will contain all the politicians behind this vile piece of concrete and guard it 24/7 to prevent any politician from climbing over it. A bit like the Berlin Wall.
No politician will ever roam our streets ever again and we will all feel safer. Our guards will have a shoot to kill policy when patrolling the Westminister Wall so you can be assure that no crooked politician will climb over the wall and impose a bedroom tax on you.
Tomorrow is your chance to make a real change to how our country is run. Do not vote the same old liars and scumbags and instead vote for the Monkey Party. We are the party for YOU!
Please VOTE MONKEY tomorrow! The Monkey Party secretary
With a week to go till the country go to the polls, the Monkey Party is leading in our poll with 75% of the votes.
If you have not voted yet in our poll then please vote now:
The Monkey Party secretary
With ten days to go before the country go to the polls, it is all to play for as Labour, the Conservatives and the Monkey Party are all on 33% in the opinion polls.
We at the Monkey Party are fighting for YOU! Yes YOU! We represent YOU! So vote for us and make it happen.
Today our wee monkey announce his policy on defence. In his speech to a packed audience at the London O2 Arena he outline his party policy on defence.
With defence a touchy subject especially when it comes to the position of the Trident nuclear warheads replacement, the subject has become very controversial when it comes to costs of the Trident replacement.
With an estimated £30 billion to replace the current Trident missiles which are coming to the end of their shelf lives, some would argue do we still need nuclear warheads? With our pensioners starving to death, our hospitals run down and our schools crumbing should we be spending £30 billion on nuclear warheads?
We do live in dangerous times with threats of terrorism and invasion from axis of evil countries. Yet, we must not allow our elders and children go without the basics.
It is clear that we must look after our own citizens but not at the expense of spending £30 billion on nuclear weapons.
We at the Monkey Party believe that spending £30 billion on nuclear weapons is a waste of money and the money should be spent on our hospitals and schools. Yet, we at the Monkey party also take the defence of our citizens seriously so we have come up with an alternative policy to the Trident warheads. Our defence policy will be known as the big “F**k Off” policy.
With a population of 70 million in our country we have plenty of people to tell terrorists and rogue invaders to “F**k Off” and this is a far cheaper alternative to firing nuclear missiles at them at a cost of £30 billion (and blowing ourselves up at the same time).
Any potential invader to our great country will be deafen with 70 million people telling them to “F**k Off”. This cry of “F**k Off” will scare the s**t out of them and they will run away. All of this without a single bullet being fired!
Surely it is better for 70 million people to tell terrorists and invaders to “F**k Off” and is better then blowing the world up with nuclear warheads.
In addition, we at the Monkey Party Ministry of Defence will be arming each and every citizen of our great country with a party popper. With 70 million citzens firing 70 million party poppers into the air at the same time this will create a temporary tin foil tinsel shield over our great country that would repel any incoming nuclear missile attack upon us. Any nuclear missiles hitting this tin foil tinsel shield will simpily bounce off back to North Korea.
With Poundland selling party poppers at 12 for a pound, then 70 million party poppers would cost a mere £12 million.
With the UK currently spending £37.5 billion on defence and the USA spending $670 billion on defence surely it would be far cheaper to buy party poppers rather than bullets, tanks and missiles. Also party poppers have the additional attraction that they don’t kill people. Imagine a war where soldiers don’t actually kill each other!
With the Monkey Party in government then all future wars will be a peaceful one where party poppers are fired in self-defence and terrorists are told to “F**k Off”. We will all be safer.
If you believe in our defence policies then please VOTE for us on May 7th and please tell your friends about the MONKEY PARTY!
The Monkey Party secretary
It is almost the end of week 3 of our election campaign and our poll is showing the Monkey Party on 75% public opinion. Our wee monkey was speaking at Birmingham NEC this afternoon and in his speech he spoke about the Monkey Party policy for women empowerment and equality.
The Labour Party had launch the pink bus to highlight women empowerment. We at the Monkey Party find the pink bus to be disgusting as it highlights the stereotyping of the colour pink to the female sex. We fail to see how pink can represent women empowerment and equality. What Labour is saying is that women belong to the kitchen! We at the Monkey Party believe that women should be equal in the work place and not stereotype with the colour pink.
What on earth is Harriot Harman is trying to say about women?!?
That is why we have our own policy on women rights with our stand up and piss policy.
Let me explain. We believe that for women to be taken serious by men in the workplace is that women must urinate standing. We therefore will promote the use of urinals for women and end the practice of sitting to piss.
How will we get women to urinate standing? With the aid of a shewee device. We will issue every woman in the country a shewee straight from eBay.
At a cost of £3.99 each then to provide 35 million females with a shewee will cost the country £140 million. A small price to pay for women empowerment.
So what is a shewee?
The shewee allows women to urinate whilst standing.
As quoted from the offical shewee website:
“Invented in 1999 by Samantha Fountain while at university, the Shewee was made as a way to improve trips to toilets for women. The germs, doors that don’t lock, lack of loo roll; all things that women hate about (the usually disgusting) women’s public toilets can be solved with the use of a Shewee.
The first Shewee was made publicly available in 2003, and since has become fully established in the outdoor market, which is where our passions lie. Due to the long amounts of time spent outdoors, usually in places where loos are few and far between, the Shewee fell into the outdoor market with ease.
Shewee is now rapidly appealing to ‘everyday’ women who, like us, hate using public toilets and want something to make it easier and cleaner than trying to squat and hover over away from the germs.”
Women are to carry their shewees with them at all times.
Even top celebrities are recommending shewees…
Once all of our women are peeing standing, we will then carry out our next policy in women rights. That is to ban male and female toilets. Instead all toilets in the workplace and all public toilets will be unisex. Women and men can standing pissing together shoulder to shoulder. We believe that this will be the ultimate expression of women empowerment and equality of the sexes.
With our women peeing next to their bosses at work, this will help to ensure equal pay and promotion to the board.
If you agree with our women empowerment policy then please vote for us on May 7th.
Only the Monkey Party take the piss seriously.
The Monkey Party secretary
If you are interested in the shewee then please visit the official shewee website at:
If you wish to buy a shewee then purchases can be made on eBay at: