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Posts tagged “country finances

The Monkey Party General Election Campaign 2015 – part 7

Today is the start of week 3 of our election campaign. Our wee monkey has given his party members a stunning speech at the Edinburgh International Conference Centre (EICC) this morning. The focus of his speech was on the economy.

Putting trust back into Parliament

Putting trust back into Parliament

So what is the solution to the Europe debt crisies, high taxes, the ever rising unemployment, increasing cost of living etc…? Well, the Monkey Party has the solution.

We have a plan for growth!

We have a plan for jobs!

We have a plan for tax cuts!

So what is our plan?

Our plan is simple, we are going to send a cuddly toy to the surface of moon by the end of the decade and safely bring him back to planet Earth.

We will send a cuddly toy to the surface of the moon by the end of the decade and will safely bring him back.

We will send a cuddly toy to the surface of the moon by the end of the decade and will safely bring him back.

That is our plan for growth!

Let us explain….

By sending a British cuddly toy to the moon, this will require research into the sciences. We will develop new technologies that we can trade with overseas. Oversea countries will want to buy our new advances.

Our country national debt is £4.6 trillion. We can only pay off this debt if we generate new industries in our country. The cuddly toy moon landing project will produce the new industies that our country needs. With new supersonic engines and super conductor computers, we will be selling “Made in UK” products all over the world.

The prototype moon landing module for our proposed cuddly toy moon landing project. Technology developed from this Airfix model will be traded overseas.

The prototype moon landing module for our proposed cuddly toy moon landing project. Technology developed from this Airfix model will be traded overseas.

Unemployment in the UK is currently 2.8 million. The proposed cuddly toy moon landing project requires a work force of approximately 2.8 million workers. Everyone will have a job when the Monkey Party is in power.

It is forecast that the cuddly toy moon landing project will cost £2.4 trillion. That is a lot!

So how are we going to pay for the cuddly toy moon landing project?

Are we going to raise taxes I hear you cry. NO, NO, NO and absolutly not!

We will not raise taxes for the cuddly toy moon landing project.

Read my lips, no more tax rises.

Instead, we will cull Tory MPs in Parliament. It has been reported that Tory MPs are claiming £2.4 trillion in coffee expenses in the Houses of Parliament coffee shop. So, we will cull all elected Tory MPs and the saved money will be diverted to the cuddly toy moon landing project.

So as you can clearly see, the cuddly toy moon landing project is affordable without the need for tax rises.

The investment in to this project will generate £9.7 trillion by 2020. That is more than enough to pay off our national debt of £4.6 trillion. The £5.1 trillion extra will be use to pay for tax cuts for everyone. YES! EVERYONE – rich or poor, we will all get tax cuts.

VAT reduced to 2.5%.

Income tax reduced to 10%

The success from the cuddly toy moon landing project will put the GREAT back into Britain. Oversea countries will continue to trade with us, buying our new technologies and science.

This chart demonstrates the predicted growth of our GDP after the cuddly toy moon landing project.

This chart clearly shows how the UK GDP will accelerate after the cuddly toy moon landing project.

This chart clearly shows how the UK GDP will accelerate after the cuddly toy moon landing project.

Vote for the Monkey Party in the 2015 General Elections and put a monkey into Parliament.

Put the cuddly toy on the moon and see the change.

Lets get Britain growing again.

The Monkey Party secretary

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The Monkey Party 2015 Budget statement

Yesterday the pathetic excus of a coalition government gave us the budget statement and what viral greeny snotty diarrhoea it was.

We at Monkey Party HQs became ill, in fact very ill, when we were listening to the chancellor’s speech. We were shock that we must now give up our chocloates to the government tax department. Is anything tax free these days! Even sex is taxing. Even dying is taxing too – so don’t die unless you can afford it.

We in the Monkey Party believe that the real reason that over once great country is bankrupt is because our policitans are abusing the system. Yes, thats right. They milk our system day and night and yet they have the cheek to acuse the disabled to be spongers. They tax our disabled war veterans and many others and yet they get subsidised meals at Parliament and travel expenses paid for as well as hotel rooms with call girls and/or rent boys!

It is time that we do something about this.

We are going to TAX the politicians.

They bankrupt the country so they must pay!

We will charge each MP a tax of £50 per day just for being a politician. We will collect this fee from them as they leave Parliament each day. We will not let them out of Parliament unless they pay up and too right.

We will tax this!

We will tax this!

We will call this the elitism tax.

Any policians refusing to pay this tax will not be allowed to go home each day – they will remain in Parliament untill they pay up.

Our politicians rather spend time in the subsidised bar.

Our politicians rather spend time in the subsidised bar.

Our MPs are busy sex texting whilst at work.

Our MPs are busy sex texting whilst at work.

Too busy at the bar?

Too busy at the bar?

Only four Labour MPs bother to turn up!

Only four Labour MPs bother to turn up!

They rather pick their noses!

They rather pick their noses!

They even fall asleep on the job!

They even fall asleep on the job!

We will only collect this tax from them as they leave the Parliament building.

Look at this chart, with our policians paying taxes our country GDP increases:

This chart clearly shows how the UK GDP will accelerate after our politicians pay tax.

This chart clearly shows how the UK GDP will accelerate after our politicians pay tax.

This is our alternative tax to the dribble that was presented to us yesterday from the coalition government.

The polician elitism tax is a fair tax for the ordinary people of Britain.

VOTE Monkey and let us get this country growing again.

The Monkey Party secretary


The Monkey Party response to the 2015 Budget by the Coalition Government

Today was the 2015 Budget by the Coalition Government and what a pile of dung beatles it was.

Do we seriously expect today’s annoucements will get our once great country back into shape?

Our panel of financial experts disagree!

Our expert panel at Monkey Party HQs were analyzing today's statement.

Our expert panel at Monkey Party HQs were analyzing today’s statement.

The poor got poorer and the rich got richer.

The Budget statement today was a bombshell.

People exploded as they heard the Chancellor's speech.

People exploded as they heard the Chancellor’s speech.

Our country is in debt and is now one of the most indebted countries in the world.

Today’s propose new chocolate tax by the Coalition Government will not solve our debt crisies.

From April 1st, each taxpayer is to pay a bar of chocolate to Parliament each working day. The rules are simple – if you are in full time work and aged 16 to 75 then the new tax laws requires that you pay a chocolate bar to the Government each working day.

This new chocolate tax will tax those with little or no chocolate. We have no ideal how the working class earning so litle can have enough chocolate in their pantries to pay the chocolate tax.

The super rich will be storing their chocolate in tax havens such as the Cayman Islands where the chocloate will melt in the tropical heat and will therefore become untraceable back to the British supply chain. Forgery chocolate will be sold back to the working class people of Britain and that will transfer wealth to the super rich.

We must oppose this new chocolate tax.

You can lick the new chocolate tax....

You can lick the new chocolate tax….

With Easter coming up, millions of working class people in the UK will be unable to eat chocolate Easter eggs due to the chocolate tax. We will have to eat real eggs instead.

No more chocolate eggs.

No more chocolate eggs.

They can take our lives but they can never take our chocolate….

They are laughing at us!

They are laughing at us!

Tomorrow the Monkey Party will published it own 2015 Budget statement. A plan for real growth for our great country.

Are you paying enough tax?

Are you paying enough tax?

A wee poem for the ordinary tax payers:

Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he’s fed.

Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Anyway!

Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.

Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his #$%$.

Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won’t be done
Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He’s good and sore.

Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he’s laid.

When he’s gone,
Do not relax,
It’s time to apply
The inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax
Airline surcharge tax
Airline Fuel Tax
Airport Maintenance Tax
Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Cooking Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Goods and Services Tax (GST)
Death Tax
Driving Permit Tax
Environmental Tax (Fee)
Excise Taxes
Income Tax
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Petrol Tax (too much per litre)
Gross Receipts Tax
Health Tax
Heating Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest Tax
Lighting Tax
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Mortgage Tax
Pension Tax
Personal Income Tax
Property Tax
Poverty Tax
Prescription Drug Tax
Real Estate Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Retail Sales Tax
Service Charge Tax
School Tax
Telephone Tax
Value Added Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Water Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
Tax (VAT) on Tax.
And Now they want a blooming Carbon Tax!

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, & our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world… We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middle cl#$%$,a huge manufacturing base, and Mum stayed home to raise the kids.

What in the Hell happened? Could it be the lying parasitic politicians wasting our money?
Oh, and don’t forget the relatively new bank charges….

VOTE Monkey at the General Elections.

The Monkey Party secretary


The Monkey Party 2015 Pre-Budget statement

Tomorrow is Budget 2015. This is the last budget speech before the General Election and no doubt be full of false lies to convince the sheeple to vote for them. The Chancellor George Osborne will make his Budget 2015 statement to Parliament on Wednesday 18th March 2015 at 1230 hours.

Do you remember this hellish scene from last year's Budget?

Do you remember this hellish scene from last year’s Budget?

At Monkey Party HQs our team of financial experts from Oxford University and Cambridge University, and the London School of Economics will be analyzing the budget speech as it is read out.

Our experts at Monkey Party HQs will be answering your Q&As.

Our experts at Monkey Party HQs will be answering your Q&As.

We will be bringing you live updates from the day events so that you are always informed of what is happening and just how bad it really is once we take out the b******t.

Did you vote for him?

Did you vote for him?

Don’t be fooled into thinking that our Prime Minister has your interests at heart with his pre-election spin nonsense. It is all spin to get the sheeple to vote for him on May 7th.

Our Prime Minister listens to you!?!

Our Prime Minister listens to you!?!

On March 19th we the Monkey Party will be publishing our alternative Monkey Party Budget 2015 statement.

Monkey reading up his 2015 Budget speech statement

Monkey reading up his 2015 Budget speech statement.

We at the Monkey Party listens to you.

We know your suffering…

…and we know the solutions.

That is why you must VOTE monkey on May 7th.

Our alternative Monkey Party Budget 2015 statement will have REAL promises to YOU and YOUR family.

Our 2014 Budget statement is here: https://britisharmysgtmonkey.wordpress.com/2014/03/20/the-monkey-party-2014-budget-statement/

Vote Monkey and lets get monkey power.

The Monkey Party secretary


The Monkey Party 2014 Budget statement

Yesterday was the coalition government budget statement and what a load of diarrhoea it was.

Our experts at the Monkey Party HQs listened to the chancellor of the exchequer 2014 Budget speech and whilst we welcome measures to reduce tax and to encourage growth, it is not enough. We do not believe that the new sex tax a.k.a. the bonk tax will solve our country debt problems.

We at the Monkey Party believe that the reason why our country is in utter financial turnmoil is because our workers are going to bed late and thus are not performing well at work due to tireness and fatigue. This is costing our country billions!

Is this you at work?

Is this you at work?

Look at this picture, this drunken fool has to be in work at 9am the next morning. Will he be productive at work?

Is this you?

Is this you?

A tired worker is a dangerous worker.

And too right!

And too right!

We at the Monkey Party believe that the key to get our country growing again is to introduce a staying up late tax. This tax will apply to anyone of working age who doesn’t go to bed by 10pm on Sunday to Thursday nights. The tax will be £25 if the worker is not in bed by 10pm.

Our country need it workers to be productive – so go to bed earlier or you pay the staying up late tax.

These fools are staying up late! So they will pay the proposed £25 tax.

These fools are staying up late! So they will pay the proposed £25 tax.

If our workforce go to bed earlier then our manufacturing production will be greatly improved in our industries.

We must not be lazy so go to bed early please or face the tax.

A tired worker sleep on his truck.

A tired worker sleep on his truck.

With the introduction of this new tax, our workforce will be going to bed earlier and hence will be fresher and brighter for the working day the following morning. Our production will be booming with everyone going to bed earlier.

Those who choose not to go to bed will pay the tax and rightly so for not going to work with a 110% commitment.

Look at this chart, with our workforce going to bed before 10pm our country GDP increases:

This chart clearly shows how the UK GDP will accelerate after our workforce go to bed earlier.

This chart clearly shows how the UK GDP will accelerate after our workforce go to bed earlier.

VOTE Monkey and let us get this country growing again.

The Monkey Party secretary


The Monkey Party response to the 2014 Budget by the Coalition Government

Today was the 2014 Budget by the Coalition Government and what a load of donkey dung it was!

Our financial experts at the Monkey Party HQs listened to the Chancellor of the Exchequer as he read out his budget statement in Parliament this afternoon. Our party members and experts became ill listening to today’s budget and our deputy leader of the Monkey Party took a cardiac arrest followed by a major stroke before falling off his chair and breaking his hip.

The poor got poorer and the rich got richer.

We were shocked to learn of the new condom taxation.

Enough is enough.

The government proposal today that anyone buying condoms will now have to pay a 50p condom tax per packet.

Condoms will also come with corporate sponsorship.

Condoms will also come with corporate sponsorship.

We the Monkey Party had also been advised by expert medical professionals that a condom tax could led to an increase in STD’s and unwanted pregnancies. This simply because couples will more likely to have unprotected sex as they are not able to afford condoms with the newly added tax.

As far as we are concern, this condom tax is a tax on pleasure! Can we not even make love anymore without taxation.

The new condom tax comes in force on April 1st 2015.

Now we have the condom tax.

Now we have the condom tax.

We at the Monkey Party HQs will fight against this condom tax.

The government also announced today a new sex tax. This sex tax comes in forces on December 25th 2014.

The government budget statement today suggests that any couple having sex are to pay a sex tax to HMRC. It is expected that couples are to file a sex actitivies form (Form 69) to the HMRC at the end of each tax year declaring the number of times that they had sex.

Failure to declare any acts of sexual intercourse will result in a £100 fine.

Are you declaring your sexual activitites to the HMRC.

Are you declaring your sexual activitites to the HMRC.

We understand that the government intends to enforce this sex tax with the sex detection van. This detection van will ensure that couples are not having sex together in secret and prevents tax avoidance. The sex detection van will roam our streets with their listening devices listening out for sounds of creaking beds and moans of pleasure as well as the legendary G-spot BIG “O” GRRRRRGROAN. A sex tax inspector will call on people doors to ensure that tax is paid to the HMRC. The inspectors will allow you 5 minutes to answer the door to give you time to put your clothes back on.

We also understand that from the budget statement today, the sex tax will have three bandings.

Sex will be classed into 3 bands and thus the appropriate tax rates apply:

BAND 1 LOWER RATE: A quickie* will be £5 tax.
BAND 2 BASIC RATE: A full on session will be £10 tax.
BAND 3 HIGHER RATE: Finally, a threesome will be £20 tax because more people are involved.

*Definition of a quickie is an act of sexual intercourse lasting less than 2 minutes.

From our understanding, self-pleasure masturbation is exempt from this sex tax. That because all of our MPs in Westminister are tossers themselves and want to avoid paying the sex tax.

Assuming sex under the basic rate tariff of £10 a sex session, the annual sex tax bill will be dependant upon how often a horny couple make love:

Once a month £120
Once a fortnight £260
Once a week £520
Twice a week £1040
Every night £3650

As these figures clearly illustrates – a very horny couple or a prostitute can expect a bill of £3650 a year from the sex tax.

We at the Monkey Party believe that couples that are happy in love will not be able to afford to make love to each other and will end up living in a monastery as a celibrate couple.

This couple cannot afford the sex tax.

This couple cannot afford the sex tax.

We at the Monkey Party believe that having sex is the last remaining free pleasure that a person can have without taxation. We are already taxed on drinking, smoking and gambling. Now we have to pay tax each time we make love to our loved ones. Is there anything left anymore that isn’t taxed. Even dying comes with a tax!

We will fight this sex tax and make sex a free activity for happy couples.

SEX SHOULD NOT BE TAXING!

Tomorrow the Monkey Party will published it own 2014 Budget statement. A plan for real growth for our great country.

Monkey was discussing his policies with residents at their door steps.

Monkey was discussing his policies with residents at their door steps.

A wee poem for the ordinary tax payers:

Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he’s fed.

Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Anyway!

Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.

Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his #$%$.

Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won’t be done
Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He’s good and sore.

Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he’s laid.

When he’s gone,
Do not relax,
It’s time to apply
The inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax
Airline surcharge tax
Airline Fuel Tax
Airport Maintenance Tax
Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Cooking Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Goods and Services Tax (GST)
Death Tax
Driving Permit Tax
Environmental Tax (Fee)
Excise Taxes
Income Tax
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Petrol Tax (too much per litre)
Gross Receipts Tax
Health Tax
Heating Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest Tax
Lighting Tax
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Mortgage Tax
Pension Tax
Personal Income Tax
Property Tax
Poverty Tax
Prescription Drug Tax
Real Estate Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Retail Sales Tax
Service Charge Tax
School Tax
Telephone Tax
Value Added Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Water Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
Tax (VAT) on Tax.
And Now they want a blooming Carbon Tax!

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, & our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world… We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middle cl#$%$,a huge manufacturing base, and Mum stayed home to raise the kids.

What in the Hell happened? Could it be the lying parasitic politicians wasting our money?
Oh, and don’t forget the relatively new bank charges….

VOTE Monkey at the General Elections.

The Monkey Party secretary


The Monkey Party 2014 Pre-Budget statement

Chancellor George Osborne will make his Budget 2014 statement to Parliament on Wednesday 19th March 2014. We at the Monkey Party HQs look forward to the Chancellor’s speech but we also know that it will be utter nonsense as he will convince us that we never had it better! Our team of financial experts from the Monkey Party will be analyzing the Budget speech as it is read out.

Don’t be fooled into thinking that our Prime Minister will generate growth in our country.

Did you vote for this man? God help you if you did!

Did you vote for this man? God help you if you did!

Can you trust these two:

Our Prime Minister proud to stand shoulder to shoulder with the Americans.

Our Prime Minister proud to stand shoulder to shoulder with the Americans.

DON’T suffer any more and listen to our alternative Monkey Party Budget 2014 statement.

On Thursday 20th March we the Monkey Party will be presenting our very own Budget statement that will highlight our plan to help to revitalise the devestating country finances.

We know that you all had suffered but only WE at the Monkey Party know how to get this country growing again and to make your life happy and debt free.

Monkey meeting his voters on the streetsdoors this morning.

Monkey meeting his voters on the streets.

Our Budget statement will be online at 1500 hours on Thursday 20th March.

Today our wee monkey was busy reading the Financial Times studying the charts for the UK economy.

Today our wee monkey was busy reading the Financial Times studying the charts for the UK economy.

Our 2013 Budget statement is here: https://britisharmysgtmonkey.wordpress.com/2013/03/21/the-monkey-party-2013-budget-statement/

Vote Monkey and let us get common sense into power.

The Monkey Party secretary