It is with sad news to announce that Sgt Monkey has retired from the British Army.
Our wee cuddly toy has served the Queen and country for over twenty years and has earnt a chestful of medals.
The simple truth is that our wee monkey can no longer climb over the 12 ft wall on the obstacle course.
From now on, we will call our wee cuddly toy monkey Mr Monkey. We will still call this website the Sgt Monkey website as it is too complicated to change the name of our website.
We ask all of our monkey fans to address monkey as Mr Monkey from now on when sending him an email or when putting a comment on to the blog.
Our wee cuddly toy has decided to go into the porn industry as a filmmaker. Our next door neighbours has agreed to help him as the cast for his first movie to be titled “What goes on upstairs?”
The movie is expected to be release on YouTube this coming winter.
We wish our wee cuddly toy all the best in his new chosen career.
– The webmaster team –
The OFFICAL Sgt. Monkey website is please to announce that at 1943 hours on Monday 13th July 2015, we had recieved our 50000th hit.
Stories of our wee monkey adventures and gossip is bringing in new bloggers each day.
Obviously the recent adventures of our cuddly toy whilst in Turkey attracted new bloggers to this website.
Our wee cuddly toy was getting p***ed tonight to celebration this fantastic news.
To celebrate this milestone we at the webmaster offices are giving away a free monkey poo sample of shampoo to a lucky monkey fan. The lucky winner will be able wash his or her hair using this specially made bottle of shampoo that our wee monkey has poop into, this gives that extra shine to your hair and that authentic smell of the jungle fragrance.
To win this prize all you have to do is to email our webmaster offices on our usual email a 250 word statement stating why you love our website. The winner will be notified via email and told to collect their prize at a Argos shop and collect point.
Competition closing date 5pm Friday 17th July 2015.
Good luck with your entries.
We will of course keep you all up to date of Sgt. Monkey gossip and adventures.
The webmaster team
Today I was going to visit Dalyan and the river delta.
At the town of Dalyan, traditional turkish boats take tourists along the river delta to the various attractions for 35 TL (approx. £8.75). Along the way I got to see the rock tombs, the mudbaths and Iztuzu beach also known as Turtle beach as well as Kaunos ruins.
The small boat was packed with over thirty tourists and was very crowded. Most of them were inconsiderately smoking in such a small confined space!
On the way to Iztuzu beach, we passed the Lycian Tombs.
After a few kilometres, the boat arrives at the back of Iztuzu beach.
Iztuzu beach is a reserve and turtles lay their eggs there, it is lovely and unspoilt.
Turtles can be seen in the waters around the boats.
The beach is very busy with daytrippers from all of the nearby resorts.
You can walk the 7km along the beach from one end to the other, but take plenty of water as there are only two beach cafes on the beach and very little shade.
The beach is closed to the public at nighttime due to turtles activities.
Beach wardens protect the nests.
After spending a few hours on the beach we headed to the mudbaths for a quick bath in the mud.
The mudbaths are said to have mineral properties to rejuvenate the skin.
Our last stop on the boat trip was to visit the Kaunos ruins. Kaunos was an ancient and important seaport. It has both Greek and Roman influence. The ruins date back to the 10th century BC.
Due to the silting of the bay of Dalyan, the ruins of Kaunos are now located about 8kms from the coast.
The theatre is still used for performances.
A little lake forms what used to be the main seaport.
The city was abandoned in the 15th century AD following a malaria outbreak.
On my return back to my appartment I was horrified to see a Praying Mantis (Mantis religiosa) on my balcony.
Fearing for my life, I had to run away! Something that I am well used to from my army days.
On my last day of my holiday I was going into the mountains to Saklikent Gorge. It is 50kms from Fethiye. The gorge is 20kms in length and 300 metres high.
The gorge is one of the longest in the world and I was going to walk several kilometres inland. With the water running down the gorge, the walk requires wading through the water up to waist height or in my case (as I am only 30 cms tall) being totally submerged.
A wooden walkway at the start of the gorge is the entry point into the gorge. After a few hundred metres, the walkway ends at a cafe. From here onwards, tourists must wade through the water. Safety ropes are in place for handholds. Tourists can only wade through the gorge in the summer months for safety reasons.
Finally, I went white water tubing down the river. After a knackering day at the gorge I headed back to the apartment where I spent my last night to a night of love with a sexy gal (I had to pay her fifty Euros). Then it was back to work the following Monday *sniffs*.
– The end –
For more information about Turkey please visit:
After a relaxing day at the swimming pool with a sexy bikini gal, today I was going to visit the ruin village of Kayaköy. The village is abour 8km south of Fethyie.
The bus drops off tourists at the bus stop and from then it is a short uphill path to the centre of the village.
Whilst walking up the path I nearly trodden on a path.
This village has over 300 desserted buildings. The Greeks lived in the village untill 1922.
Many of the abandoned buildings were damaged in the 1957 Fethiye earthquake.
In the messy fallout of World War I and the collapse of the Ottoman Empire led to the land grabs of the Greco-Turkish War (1919–1922). The resounding loss of the Greeks in this war ended with violence and retribution, which was often aimed at the remaining Greek Orthodox community within the new Turkish borders, and in turn, against the Muslim Turks in Greece. Hundreds of thousands of Greeks fled the violence in Turkey, which led the governments to agree to a mutual compulsory population exchange starting in 1923 in order to staunch the bloodshed.
Nowadays it is a ghost village popular with tourists. The village is preserved as a museum village, consists of hundreds of rundown but still mostly standing Greek-style houses and churches which cover a small mountainside.
The admission fee to this village is 10 TL (approx. £2.50).
Some of the building you can safely go inside.
The centre of the village is a a very prominent church.
Goats and other livestock are in this village amongst the ruins.
In 2014, Kayakoy also took centre stage in the closing scenes of Russell Crowe’s film “The Water Diviner”.
In the quietness of the village, wildlife can be seen.
The other side of the village is a hill with a chapel on top of it.
The whole village can be looked down at from the chapel.
I was at the top of the small chapel hill.
I was going to trek from the village to the coast.
The Lycian Way is a 540km way-marked footpath around the coast of Lycia in southern Turkey, from Fethiye to Antalya.
I was going to walk the 8km section from Kayaköy to Ölüdeniz. This little section of the Lycian Way goes from the village over a hill line and follows a path downhill to the Ölüdeniz and the famous lagoon beach.
The walk takes about two to three hours.
After a quick beer I took the bus back to my appartment and for some quality time with my sexy gal.
Tomorrow I was going to visit Dalyan and Turtle Beach.
To be continued….
For more information about Turkey please visit:
I am back from my two week holiday in Turkey.
I was staying in a self-catering appartment in Göcek near to the tourist resort of Fethiye. By staying in Göcek I was away from the tacky all day English breakfast cafes and Sky Sports TV bars that is awash with sunburnt rowdy English louts who are on their tenth pint of beer by midday.
Göcek is a small town in Fethiye district in Muğla Province, Turkey. It was named “Kalimche” in ancient times, and is located near to Dalyan and Caunos in ancient times.
The town itself has many marinas and is popular as a destination for yachting.
My appartment had an swimming pool that I was able to relax at.
For my first day of sightseeing I was going to visit Fethiye marina and also see the Lycian rock tombs.
It was good to take a walk along the marina.
Many boats here can be chartered here for daytrips to the islands.
In the marina I saw two turtles.
Turtles are common on this part of the Turkish coastline.
The historic region of Lycia was a geopolitical region in the provinces of Antalya and Muğla on the southern coast of Turkey.
The landscape of this region is scattered with over 1400 rock tombs. The tombs date back to the 4th century.
The Lycians believed that their dead were carried to the afterlife by magic winged creatures and thus they placed their honored dead in geographically high places such as the cliffside.
The fee to enter the tombs is 5 TL (approx. £1.25).
Getting to the tombs from the marina is easy as the tombs are easily visable from the marina. Just keep walking uphill to get to them.
From the top, the whole of Fethyie can be viewed.
Within the area of the tombs were wild tortoises.
They were a common sight.
After visiting the tombs I made my way back to my appartment for some serious sunbathing with a very sexy gal at the pool.
To be continued….
For more information about Turkey please visit:
As a qualified first aid instructor I am now going to tell you about first aid lifesaving skills.
Today I will present the subject of cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR). This is a first aid technique that can be used if someone is not breathing properly or if their heart has stopped. Chest compressions and rescue breaths keep blood and oxygen circulating in the body.
I will demonstrate my teaching with photographs. Even as a wee cuddly toy I can do chest compressions on a fully grown human adult as the photographs will show.
This article is no substitute for attending a proper certified first aid course such as those provied by the British Red Cross or St. John Ambulance. It is therefore advisable for all my monkey fans to attend a course provided by such an organisation and to practice your first aid skills with a qualified instructor.
STEP 1 – ASSESSING THE SITUATION AND PRIMARY SURVEY
Upon arriving onto the scene of an incident you are to assess the situation and carry out primary survey.
Use the letters DRSAB to remember the steps:
Shout for help
Danger: Check the area for any potential dangers such as broken glass or oncoming traffic etc… and if safe to do so make safe the area.
Response: Do they respond when you ask them “Hello, can you hear me?”. Do they respond when you gently shake their shoulders? If the answer is NO then we are to presume they are unconscious.
Shout for help: Shout for help for any potential passers-by to help you.
Airway: If they are unconscious then place one hand on the casualty’s forehead and two fingers under their chin. Gently tilt their head back and lift the chin. This will open up the airway.
Breathing: Check their breathing by maintaining the chin lift. Look, listen and feel for no more than 10 seconds:
– Look to see if the chest is rising and falling.
– Listen for breathing.
– Feel the breath against your cheek.
If they are not breathing then you need to start cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR).
STEP 2 – CALL FOR HELP
Call 999 or 112 for an ambulance, or get someone else to do it.
Once help has been summoned you are to start cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR).
STEP 3 – START CHEST COMPRESSIONS
Kneel down beside the casualty level with their chest.
Place the heel of one hand towards the end of their breastbone, in the centre of their chest.
Place the heel of your other hand on top of the first hand and interlock your fingers, making sure you keep the fingers off the ribs.
Lean over the casualty, with your arms straight, pressing down vertically on the breastbone, and press the chest down by 5-6cm (2-2½in) for an adult resuscitation.
Release the pressure without removing your hands from their chest. Allow the chest to come back up fully – this is one compression.
Repeat 30 times, at a rate of about twice a second.
STEP 4 – GIVE RESCUE BREATHS
Give two rescue breaths with the following procedure:
Ensure the casualty’s airway is open.
Pinch their nose firmly closed.
Take a deep breath and seal your lips around their mouth.
Blow into the mouth until the chest rises.
Remove your mouth and allow the chest to fall.
Repeat once more.
Carry on giving 30 chest compressions followed by two rescue breaths for as long as you can, or until help arrives.
If the casualty starts breathing normally again, stop CPR and put them in the recovery position.
Once your CPR manikin has fully recovered invite the manikin to dinner.
For more information about CPR please visit:
WEBMASTER NOTE: The information in this article does not substitute the need for attending a First Aid training course.
With ten days to go before the country go to the polls, it is all to play for as Labour, the Conservatives and the Monkey Party are all on 33% in the opinion polls.
We at the Monkey Party are fighting for YOU! Yes YOU! We represent YOU! So vote for us and make it happen.
Today our wee monkey announce his policy on defence. In his speech to a packed audience at the London O2 Arena he outline his party policy on defence.
With defence a touchy subject especially when it comes to the position of the Trident nuclear warheads replacement, the subject has become very controversial when it comes to costs of the Trident replacement.
With an estimated £30 billion to replace the current Trident missiles which are coming to the end of their shelf lives, some would argue do we still need nuclear warheads? With our pensioners starving to death, our hospitals run down and our schools crumbing should we be spending £30 billion on nuclear warheads?
We do live in dangerous times with threats of terrorism and invasion from axis of evil countries. Yet, we must not allow our elders and children go without the basics.
It is clear that we must look after our own citizens but not at the expense of spending £30 billion on nuclear weapons.
We at the Monkey Party believe that spending £30 billion on nuclear weapons is a waste of money and the money should be spent on our hospitals and schools. Yet, we at the Monkey party also take the defence of our citizens seriously so we have come up with an alternative policy to the Trident warheads. Our defence policy will be known as the big “F**k Off” policy.
With a population of 70 million in our country we have plenty of people to tell terrorists and rogue invaders to “F**k Off” and this is a far cheaper alternative to firing nuclear missiles at them at a cost of £30 billion (and blowing ourselves up at the same time).
Any potential invader to our great country will be deafen with 70 million people telling them to “F**k Off”. This cry of “F**k Off” will scare the s**t out of them and they will run away. All of this without a single bullet being fired!
Surely it is better for 70 million people to tell terrorists and invaders to “F**k Off” and is better then blowing the world up with nuclear warheads.
In addition, we at the Monkey Party Ministry of Defence will be arming each and every citizen of our great country with a party popper. With 70 million citzens firing 70 million party poppers into the air at the same time this will create a temporary tin foil tinsel shield over our great country that would repel any incoming nuclear missile attack upon us. Any nuclear missiles hitting this tin foil tinsel shield will simpily bounce off back to North Korea.
With Poundland selling party poppers at 12 for a pound, then 70 million party poppers would cost a mere £12 million.
With the UK currently spending £37.5 billion on defence and the USA spending $670 billion on defence surely it would be far cheaper to buy party poppers rather than bullets, tanks and missiles. Also party poppers have the additional attraction that they don’t kill people. Imagine a war where soldiers don’t actually kill each other!
With the Monkey Party in government then all future wars will be a peaceful one where party poppers are fired in self-defence and terrorists are told to “F**k Off”. We will all be safer.
If you believe in our defence policies then please VOTE for us on May 7th and please tell your friends about the MONKEY PARTY!
The Monkey Party secretary