Voting Day
Today is the day that the public votes.
Please please please vote MONKEY for a real change.
We had listened to you and we know your suffering.
We are the party for YOU.
Don’t let the same old corrupt politicians back in. They don’t represent you, they are puppets working for David Beckham and Posh.
Imagine our wee monkey as your next Prime Minister. No more wars, no more food banks, no more low pay jobs, a country that is fair to all people.
Vote for us and tell your friends about us.
We are the fastest growing political party in Scotland.
Vote for the Monkey Party today.
The Monkey Party secretary
The Monkey Party General Election Campaign 2015 – part 7
Today is the start of week 3 of our election campaign. Our wee monkey has given his party members a stunning speech at the Edinburgh International Conference Centre (EICC) this morning. The focus of his speech was on the economy.
Putting trust back into Parliament
So what is the solution to the Europe debt crisies, high taxes, the ever rising unemployment, increasing cost of living etc…? Well, the Monkey Party has the solution.
We have a plan for growth!
We have a plan for jobs!
We have a plan for tax cuts!
So what is our plan?
Our plan is simple, we are going to send a cuddly toy to the surface of moon by the end of the decade and safely bring him back to planet Earth.
We will send a cuddly toy to the surface of the moon by the end of the decade and will safely bring him back.
That is our plan for growth!
Let us explain….
By sending a British cuddly toy to the moon, this will require research into the sciences. We will develop new technologies that we can trade with overseas. Oversea countries will want to buy our new advances.
Our country national debt is £4.6 trillion. We can only pay off this debt if we generate new industries in our country. The cuddly toy moon landing project will produce the new industies that our country needs. With new supersonic engines and super conductor computers, we will be selling “Made in UK” products all over the world.
The prototype moon landing module for our proposed cuddly toy moon landing project. Technology developed from this Airfix model will be traded overseas.
Unemployment in the UK is currently 2.8 million. The proposed cuddly toy moon landing project requires a work force of approximately 2.8 million workers. Everyone will have a job when the Monkey Party is in power.
It is forecast that the cuddly toy moon landing project will cost £2.4 trillion. That is a lot!
So how are we going to pay for the cuddly toy moon landing project?
Are we going to raise taxes I hear you cry. NO, NO, NO and absolutly not!
We will not raise taxes for the cuddly toy moon landing project.
Read my lips, no more tax rises.
Instead, we will cull Tory MPs in Parliament. It has been reported that Tory MPs are claiming £2.4 trillion in coffee expenses in the Houses of Parliament coffee shop. So, we will cull all elected Tory MPs and the saved money will be diverted to the cuddly toy moon landing project.
So as you can clearly see, the cuddly toy moon landing project is affordable without the need for tax rises.
The investment in to this project will generate £9.7 trillion by 2020. That is more than enough to pay off our national debt of £4.6 trillion. The £5.1 trillion extra will be use to pay for tax cuts for everyone. YES! EVERYONE – rich or poor, we will all get tax cuts.
VAT reduced to 2.5%.
Income tax reduced to 10%
The success from the cuddly toy moon landing project will put the GREAT back into Britain. Oversea countries will continue to trade with us, buying our new technologies and science.
This chart demonstrates the predicted growth of our GDP after the cuddly toy moon landing project.
This chart clearly shows how the UK GDP will accelerate after the cuddly toy moon landing project.
Vote for the Monkey Party in the 2015 General Elections and put a monkey into Parliament.
Put the cuddly toy on the moon and see the change.
Lets get Britain growing again.
The Monkey Party secretary
The Monkey Party General Election Campaign 2015 – part 6
Today on our election campaign trail our wee monkey tried to gatecrash Tony Blair speech in the hope that we can impose an international arrest warrant on him for war crimes. It is Monkey Party policy that we send previous government ministers to the Hague for trial. We were stopped by the police and his bodyguards who flung our wee monkey over the fence.
Our very own opinion polls shows that the Monkey Party is leading.
Please vote in our poll.
Also tell your friends about us and spread the word of the Monkey Party. We are change.
The Monkey Party secretary
The Monkey Party General Election Campaign 2015 – part 5
It is week 2 of the campaign trail and whilst the latest polls shows the Conservative Party to be leading but the Monkey Party is catching up.
But we need your help. Can you spare a few hours a week by joining our campaigning team? We need volunteers to help with door to door canvassing and volunteers to distribute our campaign leaflets. We also need volunteers to plaster out bus stops with Monkey Party stickers before the YES campaign plaster the bus stops first.
Monkey preparing his speech at Monkey Party HQs.
In today’s speech (to be shown LIVE on BBC Parliament channel) our wee monkey will be telling us about his plans for taxation.
In his speech it will be revealed that tax will be purely voluntary contributions. You decide how much tax that you want to contribute to our great country. You only pay what you are comfortable paying. If you think that the Monkey Party government is doing a great job then you may decide to contribute more to society or you may decide to contribute nothing if you disagree with what the Monkey Party government is doing with taxpayers money.
Remember to VOTE Monkey on May 7th and tell your friends about us.
The Monkey Party secretary
The Monkey Party General Election Campaign 2015 – part 4
Today is day 4 of campaigning and we can now tell you that our wee monkey is not getting of of bed today. So we have no news to tell you today.
Monkey was staying in bed today.
Monkey is upset at not being invited to the ITV Leader’s Debate on the TV tonight so he is staying in bed all day. So unfair.
The Monkey Party secretary
SPECIAL report live from the Monkey Party campaign trail
Today monkey made his first campaign speech to the public.
“Dear citizens, vote for me and I will promise that every British resident will receive a packet of nuts on Christmas Day.”
VOTE Monkey the party that will give you a packet of nuts on Christmas Day.
Yours if you VOTE Monkey!
The Monkey Party secretary
The Monkey Party General Election Campaign 2015 – part 1
Today the pathetic Prime Minister David Cameron will ask the Queen for permission to dissolve Parliament thus signalling the official start of the General Election campaign. The polls will be expected to be announced for May 7th thus we have six weeks of campaigning in front of us.
We are the fastest growing political party in Scotland.
We at the Monkey Party welcome this news as we know your suffering under the persistent failures of corrupt governments over the last seventy years.
We are the CHANGE that you need.
We are the party that listens to YOU.
If elected the Monkey Party will close the bars inside Parliament and make the MPs actually work for you.
We will make all MPs to say, “I am your obedient servent” each time they begin a speech inside Parliament.
The polls shows that we at the Monkey Party have less than 1% at the polls. We must work hard on our campaign to convince people to vote for us the party of CHANGE.
Our wee monkey was out on the streets of Edinburgh today campaigning.
If you would like to volunteer to join our campaign team please email the webmaster on our usual email address.
Monkey was knocking on residents doors this morning.
It is a clear choice for the people of Britain – a country run by fools or a country run by a cuddly toy.
Monkey was discussing his policies with residents at their door steps.
Helping you to decide.
The Monkey Party secretary
The Monkey Party response to the 2015 Budget by the Coalition Government
Today was the 2015 Budget by the Coalition Government and what a pile of dung beatles it was.
Do we seriously expect today’s annoucements will get our once great country back into shape?
Our panel of financial experts disagree!
Our expert panel at Monkey Party HQs were analyzing today’s statement.
The poor got poorer and the rich got richer.
The Budget statement today was a bombshell.
People exploded as they heard the Chancellor’s speech.
Our country is in debt and is now one of the most indebted countries in the world.
Today’s propose new chocolate tax by the Coalition Government will not solve our debt crisies.
From April 1st, each taxpayer is to pay a bar of chocolate to Parliament each working day. The rules are simple – if you are in full time work and aged 16 to 75 then the new tax laws requires that you pay a chocolate bar to the Government each working day.
This new chocolate tax will tax those with little or no chocolate. We have no ideal how the working class earning so litle can have enough chocolate in their pantries to pay the chocolate tax.
The super rich will be storing their chocolate in tax havens such as the Cayman Islands where the chocloate will melt in the tropical heat and will therefore become untraceable back to the British supply chain. Forgery chocolate will be sold back to the working class people of Britain and that will transfer wealth to the super rich.
We must oppose this new chocolate tax.
You can lick the new chocolate tax….
With Easter coming up, millions of working class people in the UK will be unable to eat chocolate Easter eggs due to the chocolate tax. We will have to eat real eggs instead.
No more chocolate eggs.
They can take our lives but they can never take our chocolate….
They are laughing at us!
Tomorrow the Monkey Party will published it own 2015 Budget statement. A plan for real growth for our great country.
Are you paying enough tax?
A wee poem for the ordinary tax payers:
Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he’s fed.
Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Anyway!
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.
Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his #$%$.
Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won’t be done
Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He’s good and sore.
Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he’s laid.
When he’s gone,
Do not relax,
It’s time to apply
The inheritance tax.
Accounts Receivable Tax
Airline surcharge tax
Airline Fuel Tax
Airport Maintenance Tax
Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Cooking Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Goods and Services Tax (GST)
Death Tax
Driving Permit Tax
Environmental Tax (Fee)
Excise Taxes
Income Tax
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Petrol Tax (too much per litre)
Gross Receipts Tax
Health Tax
Heating Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest Tax
Lighting Tax
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Mortgage Tax
Pension Tax
Personal Income Tax
Property Tax
Poverty Tax
Prescription Drug Tax
Real Estate Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Retail Sales Tax
Service Charge Tax
School Tax
Telephone Tax
Value Added Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Water Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
Tax (VAT) on Tax.
And Now they want a blooming Carbon Tax!
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, & our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world… We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middle cl#$%$,a huge manufacturing base, and Mum stayed home to raise the kids.
What in the Hell happened? Could it be the lying parasitic politicians wasting our money?
Oh, and don’t forget the relatively new bank charges….
VOTE Monkey at the General Elections.
The Monkey Party secretary
The Monkey Party 2015 Pre-Budget statement
Tomorrow is Budget 2015. This is the last budget speech before the General Election and no doubt be full of false lies to convince the sheeple to vote for them. The Chancellor George Osborne will make his Budget 2015 statement to Parliament on Wednesday 18th March 2015 at 1230 hours.
Do you remember this hellish scene from last year’s Budget?
At Monkey Party HQs our team of financial experts from Oxford University and Cambridge University, and the London School of Economics will be analyzing the budget speech as it is read out.
Our experts at Monkey Party HQs will be answering your Q&As.
We will be bringing you live updates from the day events so that you are always informed of what is happening and just how bad it really is once we take out the b******t.
Did you vote for him?
Don’t be fooled into thinking that our Prime Minister has your interests at heart with his pre-election spin nonsense. It is all spin to get the sheeple to vote for him on May 7th.
Our Prime Minister listens to you!?!
On March 19th we the Monkey Party will be publishing our alternative Monkey Party Budget 2015 statement.
Monkey reading up his 2015 Budget speech statement.
We at the Monkey Party listens to you.
We know your suffering…
…and we know the solutions.
That is why you must VOTE monkey on May 7th.
Our alternative Monkey Party Budget 2015 statement will have REAL promises to YOU and YOUR family.
Our 2014 Budget statement is here: https://britisharmysgtmonkey.wordpress.com/2014/03/20/the-monkey-party-2014-budget-statement/
Vote Monkey and lets get monkey power.
The Monkey Party secretary
The Monkey Party General Election Campaign 2015
Hello voters and monkey fans. It is only two months before the General Elections in the UK. This is a chance for REAL change. Yes “REAL” change. Let us kick out the elitist politicians and put our wee cuddly toy monkey into power.
Only a monkey cuddly toy can represent us the working class. With Sgt. Monkey as our Prime Minister we will guarantee the following:
No more tax rises
No more illegal wars
No more expenses scandals
No more poverty
No more homelessness
No more job losses
No more low pay
No more recession
No more bank bail outs
No more banker bonuses
No more lost of pensions
No more lost of personal savings
In addition we promise to send Tony Blair to the International War Crimes Tribual in the Hague.
We believe that ex-prime ministers must be held to account for their own actions.
Are you fed up of the same LABLIBCON polictians ruining our once great country then vote MONKEY on May 7th and see the REAL change.
We are the fastest growing political party in Scotland.
We are today officially starting our 2015 General Elections campaign today. The MONKEY PARTY is the fastest growing political party in the UK. We offer real change to the 70 years of corruption by the ruling political elite.
Our wee monkey was out on the streets of Edinburgh today campaigning.
Over the years we the MONKEY PARTY had stood up to the LABLIBCON stooges and offer REAL change to the ordinary people of the UK. This is our second General Election campaign and we are roaring to FIGHT. Are you?
Please study our policys that we had proposed over the years.
Monkey was discussing his policies with residents at their door steps.
You may had remember our policys such as our opposition to the sex tax a.k.a “bonk” tax. You may also remember that we support joining the BUMS organisation (Borneo Union of Member States). You may also remember our cuddly toy moon landing program. You may also remember our opposition to the Edinburgh trams farce and our alternative scheme for the piggyback to work scheme. We also campaign for an inflatable water slide to be built in Edinburgh swimming pool. You may also remember that we propose that we drop the collapsing British pound and instead base a new currency called the COCO based upon our coconuts standard reserve. Finally would could forget out unsuccessful campaign in 2010 to bring back Captain Caveman to our telly.
We need volunteers in our 2015 General Elections campaign.
Our elections campaigning team
Can you spare a few hours a week to help us with our campaign?
We need volunteers to deliver our leaflets and to knock on people doors. Can you help? If so, please contact our webmaster on our usual email and tell us how you can help the MONKEY PARTY campaign.
We will give all of our campaign volunteers a pistachio nut for their hard work.
We will be giving away a free pistachio nut to all of our volunteers.
We don’t pay bus fare expenses as unlike the mainstream policical parties we do not accept lobbyist bribes and thus we are skint.
Please join the FIGHT back.
The Monkey Party secretary
The Monkey Party response to the 2014 Budget by the Coalition Government
Today was the 2014 Budget by the Coalition Government and what a load of donkey dung it was!
Our financial experts at the Monkey Party HQs listened to the Chancellor of the Exchequer as he read out his budget statement in Parliament this afternoon. Our party members and experts became ill listening to today’s budget and our deputy leader of the Monkey Party took a cardiac arrest followed by a major stroke before falling off his chair and breaking his hip.
The poor got poorer and the rich got richer.
We were shocked to learn of the new condom taxation.
Enough is enough.
The government proposal today that anyone buying condoms will now have to pay a 50p condom tax per packet.
Condoms will also come with corporate sponsorship.
We the Monkey Party had also been advised by expert medical professionals that a condom tax could led to an increase in STD’s and unwanted pregnancies. This simply because couples will more likely to have unprotected sex as they are not able to afford condoms with the newly added tax.
As far as we are concern, this condom tax is a tax on pleasure! Can we not even make love anymore without taxation.
The new condom tax comes in force on April 1st 2015.
Now we have the condom tax.
We at the Monkey Party HQs will fight against this condom tax.
The government also announced today a new sex tax. This sex tax comes in forces on December 25th 2014.
The government budget statement today suggests that any couple having sex are to pay a sex tax to HMRC. It is expected that couples are to file a sex actitivies form (Form 69) to the HMRC at the end of each tax year declaring the number of times that they had sex.
Failure to declare any acts of sexual intercourse will result in a £100 fine.
Are you declaring your sexual activitites to the HMRC.
We understand that the government intends to enforce this sex tax with the sex detection van. This detection van will ensure that couples are not having sex together in secret and prevents tax avoidance. The sex detection van will roam our streets with their listening devices listening out for sounds of creaking beds and moans of pleasure as well as the legendary G-spot BIG “O” GRRRRRGROAN. A sex tax inspector will call on people doors to ensure that tax is paid to the HMRC. The inspectors will allow you 5 minutes to answer the door to give you time to put your clothes back on.
We also understand that from the budget statement today, the sex tax will have three bandings.
Sex will be classed into 3 bands and thus the appropriate tax rates apply:
BAND 1 LOWER RATE: A quickie* will be £5 tax.
BAND 2 BASIC RATE: A full on session will be £10 tax.
BAND 3 HIGHER RATE: Finally, a threesome will be £20 tax because more people are involved.
*Definition of a quickie is an act of sexual intercourse lasting less than 2 minutes.
From our understanding, self-pleasure masturbation is exempt from this sex tax. That because all of our MPs in Westminister are tossers themselves and want to avoid paying the sex tax.
Assuming sex under the basic rate tariff of £10 a sex session, the annual sex tax bill will be dependant upon how often a horny couple make love:
Once a month £120
Once a fortnight £260
Once a week £520
Twice a week £1040
Every night £3650
As these figures clearly illustrates – a very horny couple or a prostitute can expect a bill of £3650 a year from the sex tax.
We at the Monkey Party believe that couples that are happy in love will not be able to afford to make love to each other and will end up living in a monastery as a celibrate couple.
This couple cannot afford the sex tax.
We at the Monkey Party believe that having sex is the last remaining free pleasure that a person can have without taxation. We are already taxed on drinking, smoking and gambling. Now we have to pay tax each time we make love to our loved ones. Is there anything left anymore that isn’t taxed. Even dying comes with a tax!
We will fight this sex tax and make sex a free activity for happy couples.
SEX SHOULD NOT BE TAXING!
Tomorrow the Monkey Party will published it own 2014 Budget statement. A plan for real growth for our great country.
Monkey was discussing his policies with residents at their door steps.
A wee poem for the ordinary tax payers:
Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he’s fed.
Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Anyway!
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.
Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his #$%$.
Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won’t be done
Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He’s good and sore.
Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he’s laid.
When he’s gone,
Do not relax,
It’s time to apply
The inheritance tax.
Accounts Receivable Tax
Airline surcharge tax
Airline Fuel Tax
Airport Maintenance Tax
Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Cooking Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Goods and Services Tax (GST)
Death Tax
Driving Permit Tax
Environmental Tax (Fee)
Excise Taxes
Income Tax
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Petrol Tax (too much per litre)
Gross Receipts Tax
Health Tax
Heating Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest Tax
Lighting Tax
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Mortgage Tax
Pension Tax
Personal Income Tax
Property Tax
Poverty Tax
Prescription Drug Tax
Real Estate Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Retail Sales Tax
Service Charge Tax
School Tax
Telephone Tax
Value Added Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Water Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
Tax (VAT) on Tax.
And Now they want a blooming Carbon Tax!
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, & our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world… We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middle cl#$%$,a huge manufacturing base, and Mum stayed home to raise the kids.
What in the Hell happened? Could it be the lying parasitic politicians wasting our money?
Oh, and don’t forget the relatively new bank charges….
VOTE Monkey at the General Elections.
The Monkey Party secretary
The Monkey Party 2014 Pre-Budget statement
Chancellor George Osborne will make his Budget 2014 statement to Parliament on Wednesday 19th March 2014. We at the Monkey Party HQs look forward to the Chancellor’s speech but we also know that it will be utter nonsense as he will convince us that we never had it better! Our team of financial experts from the Monkey Party will be analyzing the Budget speech as it is read out.
Don’t be fooled into thinking that our Prime Minister will generate growth in our country.
Did you vote for this man? God help you if you did!
Can you trust these two:
Our Prime Minister proud to stand shoulder to shoulder with the Americans.
DON’T suffer any more and listen to our alternative Monkey Party Budget 2014 statement.
On Thursday 20th March we the Monkey Party will be presenting our very own Budget statement that will highlight our plan to help to revitalise the devestating country finances.
We know that you all had suffered but only WE at the Monkey Party know how to get this country growing again and to make your life happy and debt free.
Monkey meeting his voters on the streets.
Our Budget statement will be online at 1500 hours on Thursday 20th March.
Today our wee monkey was busy reading the Financial Times studying the charts for the UK economy.
Our 2013 Budget statement is here: https://britisharmysgtmonkey.wordpress.com/2013/03/21/the-monkey-party-2013-budget-statement/
Vote Monkey and let us get common sense into power.
The Monkey Party secretary
The Monkey Party 2013 Budget statement
Yesterday was the coalition government budget statement and what a load of Tesco’s beefburgers a.k.a. horsemeat it was!
Horsemeat the state of our country’s finances.
Our experts at the Monkey Party HQs listened to the chancellor of the exchequer 2013 Budget speech and whilst we welcome measures to reduce tax and to encourage growth, it is not enough.
Our country is in a deep hole. We are losing credibility and we have just lost our AAA credit rating making our debt more expensive to pay off. Was yesterday’s budget going to restore our country’s pride? The speech yesterday was typical give with one hand, take with the other hand. The poor got poorer and the rich got richer under the budget yesterday.
Our country finances are in a mess, look at this chart.
The Chancellor’s financial heartbeat.
At first glance this chart looks like a ECG chart and not a GDP chart. It is in fact showing the heartbeat of our chancellor during his speech yesterday. Clearly, he was under stress and he does not have the nerves to deliver a financial winner. In fact, our experts at the Monkey Party HQs thought our chancellor was going to drop before he finishes his speech.
Our key financial experts studies these financial ECG charts carefully and their key findings are: a marked ST-segment depression in the lateral precordial leads (V5, V6) consistent with subendocardial injury. Clearly our chancellor was having a cardiac yesterday as he faced up to the country finances.
Our wee cuddly toy monkey has listened to you. Yes, YOU – the public! We listened to your suffering and feel your pain. We are now going to present our 2013 Budget – the Monkey Party action plan to get Britain growing again.
Our wee monkey was busy today with his budget statement preparations.
We propose that the key to growth is departing the EU. Ahhh… but that is the far right UKIP and BNP policy I hear you say. But listen, we want to leave the EU and join the powermarkets of the Far East. Yes, thats right, our wee monkey is taking our country to his home of Borneo. We are going to join BUMS (the Borneo Union of Member States).
BUMS currently have three member states, that being Malaysia, Indonesia and Brunei. The United Kingdom will become the fourth member state of BUMS. We will apply to the UN to get official recognition to get the UK become offically part of geographical Borneo. We wil then leave Europe forever. We will no longer be tied to the Euro crisies. Instead, Britain as part of the growing Asian financial Tiger will be on the mend and a proud member of BUMS. We will ask God himself to move our wee island to the South China Sea off Borneo and the new Pope will assist God in this almighty task. Britain will only be 20kms off the coast of Malyasia.
The four member states of Borneo Union of Member States (BUMS).
As a member state of BUMS, we will adopt the COCO currency. The British Pound is riddled with dept and has lost 66% of it value over the last 30 years due to inflation. However, the COCO which is linked to the coconut reserves of Borneo is a stable currency. It is not based on fractional banking where new money is created as debt thus existing money devalues as new debt is created. Oh no, the COCO is not a fractional banking currency, it is based on a real commodity that is the coconut reserves of Borneo. If we run out of COCOS, we simply plant more coconut trees.
The COCO currency.
With us adopting the COCO as our currency, we will be free of the debt crisies of Europe. The COCO each weighing 1kg each will solve our pickpockers crime wave. With each COCO so bloody heavy, pickpockers yobs will no longer be able to run away so easily after doing their bad deeds. So you be able to catch the little devils and duff them up with your baseball bat.
So, what is BUMS key industries? With Britain being recognised as geographically part of Borneo, the climate in the UK will become tropical. 60 million British people will need air-conditioners. Yes, we in the UK will build air-conditioners. Selling 60 million aircon unit will generate real manufactoring growth into our country. Britain will become the aircon powerhouse of the world and you Brits will feel the heat too.
We will become the world leader in the aircon industry.
A new climate will boast our tourism industry. Imagine tourists scuba diving on the tropical coral reefs off Liverpool and imagine the topless babes on our beaches enjoying our new tropical climate.
Scarbourgh Beach, with it tropical climate will be a magnet for tourists with money.
This graph represents our tourism industry once we had moved Britain from the North Sea to the South China Sea:
This GDP chart clearly shows how the UK will benefit from more tourism following our relocation to sunny Borneo.
Yes, thats right – we must leave Europe and not be dragged down into Eurozone debt. We will physically moved our blessed island to the powerhouse of Asia. Only then can we gain financial growth from the sell of our aircon units and topless babes tourism.
Vote MONKEY in 2015 and let us move to Asia or vote for LABLIBCON and stay in the doom and gloom of the Eurozone debt problem.
The Monkey Party secretary
The Monkey Party response to the 2013 Budget by the Coalition Government
Today was the 2013 Budget by the Coalition Government and what a load of horsemeat it was!
Our financial experts at the Monkey Party HQs listened to the Chancellor of the Exchequer as he read out his budget statement in Parliament this afternoon. We felt nausea as we listened to the speech and then puke over the living room sofa. What a load of spin it was. The poor got poorer and the rich got richer.
We were shocked to learn of the new cuddly toy licence taxation. Enough is enough. The government proposal today that all cuddly toy owners need to pay for a annual cuddly toy licence fee is just wrong.
Children up and down the country will be taxed just for having a cuddly toy. The government intends to charge £145.50 for a cuddly toy licence, the same charge as the unpopular TV licence. Our experts have not worked out if the government want us to pay a single fee for the whole household or a separate fee for each cuddly toy own. The new cuddly toy licence fee comes in force on April 1st 2014.
Failure to pay this cuddly toy licence fee will result in a visit from the cuddly toy licence fee inspectors resulting in a £1000 fine.
We at the Monkey Party HQs will fight against this cuddly toy tax.
That is why, at 8am tomorrow the Monkey Party will published it own 2013 Budget statement. A plan for real growth for our great country.
We have a plan for tax cuts.
We have a plan for growth.
We have a plan for enterprise for our stuggling businesses.
Monkey became ill after hearing the 2013 Budget speech.
A wee poem for the ordinary tax payers:
Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he’s fed.
Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Anyway!
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.
Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his #$%$.
Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won’t be done
Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He’s good and sore.
Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he’s laid.
When he’s gone,
Do not relax,
It’s time to apply
The inheritance tax.
Accounts Receivable Tax
Airline surcharge tax
Airline Fuel Tax
Airport Maintenance Tax
Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Cooking Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Goods and Services Tax (GST)
Death Tax
Driving Permit Tax
Environmental Tax (Fee)
Excise Taxes
Income Tax
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Petrol Tax (too much per litre)
Gross Receipts Tax
Health Tax
Heating Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest Tax
Lighting Tax
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Mortgage Tax
Pension Tax
Personal Income Tax
Property Tax
Poverty Tax
Prescription Drug Tax
Real Estate Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Retail Sales Tax
Service Charge Tax
School Tax
Telephone Tax
Value Added Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Water Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
Tax (VAT) on Tax.
And Now they want a blooming Carbon Tax!
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, & our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world… We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middle cl#$%$,a huge manufacturing base, and Mum stayed home to raise the kids.
What in the Hell happened? Could it be the lying parasitic politicians wasting our money?
Oh, and don’t forget the relatively new bank charges….
Please vote MONKEY in the 2015 General Elections and see the change.
The Monkey Party secretary
The Monkey Party 2013 Pre-Budget statement
Chancellor George Osborne will make his Budget 2013 statement to Parliament on Wednesday 20th March 2013. We at the Monkey Party HQs look forward to the Chancellor’s speech but we also know that it will be dribble and waffle full of nonsense and false promises. Our team of financial experts from the Monkey Party will be analyzing the Budget speech as it is read out. No doubt the Chancellor will be telling us about the pretend growth of our nation and yet the general public are paying ever rising food prices in our supermarkets and holding down minimal wage jobs are struggling to pay their bills.
Putting trust back into Parliament
We at the Monkey Party are not fools, we know the Budget speech is bogey dribble snot. That is why we at the Monkey knows what is best for Britain and that is why on Thursday 21st March, our own wee cuddly toy monkey will be delivering his alternative Budget speech. It will be a plan for REAL growth and REAL jobs for the people of our country. We at the Monkey Party have a plan and we will deliver it on the 21st March.
Our wee monkey in his office writing letters to his supporters.
Our 2012 Budget statement is here: https://britisharmysgtmonkey.wordpress.com/2012/03/21/the-monkey-party-2012-budget-statement/
We have a plan for growth!
We have a plan for jobs!
We have a plan for tax cuts!
Did you vote for these two?
Don’t let them destroy the country!
The loony tunes couple.
VOTE the Monkey Party in the 2015 General Elections and put the monkey into Downing Street. See real change not the dribble from the LABLIBCON bogiemen.
The Monkey Party secretary
Scotland Referendum: Yes, No or a Maybe?
Today, the muppet clown Prime Minister David Cameron and the King of Scotland Alex Salmond had agreed on the referendum terms on Scotland independance.
This could led to breakup of the Unitied Kingdom as we know it!
The Scottish Government intends to hold a referendum to the Scottish people on the issue of independence from the United Kingdom in the autumn of 2014. The Monkey Party has spoken before about this important issue for the electorates. However, we at the Monkey Party (which is the fastest growing political party in the UK) will now repeat our views on the intended referendum. We hope that you will understand our view and side with the Monkey Party at the referendum.
We at the Monkey Party will never back a rival political party and therefore we will not form an alliance with any other political party. We do not support the SNP on a “yes” vote nor do we support the Conservatives on a “no” vote instead we at the Monkey Party asks all voters to vote “maybe” at the referendum.
The truth is we politicians don’t know what we are doing! So we are supporting a “maybe” vote!
The Monkey Party takes this issue very seriously! We have carefully examined the facts and decided that “maybe” is the way forward!
We ask all our supporters to vote “maybe” on this important referendum.
Thank you and please vote “maybe” in 2014.
MAYBE is the way forward for Scotland!
The Monkey Party Secretary
The Monkey Party response to the Government Cabinet reshuffle
The Prime Minister reshuffle yesterday of the Government Cabinet was not welcome by the Monkey Party. We are not happy, not happy at all…. the same old faces. The corrupt crooks, the elitism Eton school boys, the expenses fiddlers. All of them in Government are filled with greed working for their banksters paymasters. We at the Monkey Party won’t expect the newly formed cabinet to make any changes for the ordinary working people of Britain.
Our Prime Minister David Cameron had let us down again!
Our fool Prime Minister David Cameron is running our country!
We at the Monkey Party HQs knew that was happening to our country.
Take a look at this photograph, this is the City of London 5th September 1952!
London was a beautiful city sixty years ago.
And this photograph is the same location today!
This is how London look today after sixty years of corrupt incompetence Governments.
See the change that sixty years of corrupt foolish Governments from both parties had ruined our once great country.
So what is the solution?
VOTE MONKEY in the 2015 General Elections and let our monkey cuddly toy run the country.
Our wee monkey is a true statesman for the working class people of Britain.
Our wee monkey doesn’t talk and doesn’t say much – his lips had been sewn together in a toy factory in China.
However, we at the Monkey Party HQs believe that a Prime Minister who doesn’t opens his mouth is a good Prime Minister for the country.
For the last sixty years, each time the Prime Minister speaks – the stock markets collapses, people lose their jobs and wars are started.
So let our cuddly toy run the country – he won’t say anything and won’t do anything to ruin our country even more.
Our party is the fastest growing policical party in the UK. We first came about in 2010 and had made significant advances in elections ever since.
You may remember our “Monkey Moon Landing” policy that will bring our country out of recession.
https://britisharmysgtmonkey.wordpress.com/2012/03/21/the-monkey-party-2012-budget-statement/
Only we can make Britain great again.
You may recall on TV yesterday that King Salmond is planning to make Scotland independant and to break up the Union.
We at the Monkey Party will not support King Salmond break up plans of the Union nor will we support the Conservatives motion of keeping the Union together. We support neither parties and therefore we propose the motion of a “maybe” vote in the Scottish independence vote.
https://britisharmysgtmonkey.wordpress.com/2012/02/29/scottish-independence-referendum/
Yesterday our clown Prime Minister announced his new Cabinet ministers.
However, today we at the MONKEY PARTY will announce our shadow Government Cabinet.
Mr. T will be our Secretary of Defence. His appearances on the A-Team had given him real experience working in hostile environments and he is a lads bloke. He knows his weapons and also knows Kung-Fu. His role in the A-Team has given him experience dealing with the bad guys. Whatever you do, don’t lock him inside the DIY shed or he will make a superweapon.
Mike Tyson will be our Home Office Secretary. He will fight crime by patrolling the streets and biting off the ears of any crooks he catches.
Our Chancellor of the Exchequer be the taxman! We will send the taxman on a 52 weeks a year holiday to the Cayman Islands. With the taxman out of the country, the hard working class of Britain will have no taxes to pay. However, with the taxman holidaying in the Cayman Islands all the tax dodgers with secret offshore bank accounts will be paying taxes instead.
The Ann Summers Nurse will be the Minister for Health. By wearing a sexy nurses outfit, pride and joy will once again be brought back into the NHS thus promoting patients recovery and good health.
http://www.annsummers.com/p/bedside-babe-fantasy-nurse-outfit/17ododas1114014
Remember VOTE MONKEY in the 2015 General Elections and lets make Britain great again.
The Monkey Party secretary
The MONKEY PARTY campaign for the Local Elections – part 8
Today our wee monkey was busy intimidating voters to vote for him. The Monkey Party campaign team recruited the local street gang “da boyz” to help him persade voters to vote for him. They used unreasonable levels of force to get the voters to vote for him.
All across the UK people like you were voting.
Some voters required a severe kicking as they were harder to persade (must be the Labour supporters).
The Monkey Party campaign team were out on the streets today persading voters to vote for us.
Because of our dirty tactics, we at the Monkey Party HQs expect major victories tomorrow when the results are announce.
Our wee monkey is a very intelligent cuddly toy, he wrote this letter all by himself.
With three hours left in the polls, if you had not voted yet – please get to the polling stations and VOTE MONKEY for a better Britain.
The Monkey Party secretary
The MONKEY PARTY campaign for the Local Elections – part 7
Tomorrow is the UK Local Elections 2012. This is your chance to stick your two fingers up to the three in one party LABLIBCON. Our ruling politicians had failed us. They are corrupt, they fiddle whilst Rome burns. Too busy filing expenses form whilst we the people rot with high unemployment and national debt! It is time to replace our government with a cuddly toy. Our wee monkey doesn’t speak, doesn’t move or make any expressions but we do know one thing for sure – he will do a better job of running over councils than any LABLIBCON politician.
People like you are voting MONKEY.
Tomorrow vote the MONKEY PARTY for a better Britain.
Exit polls are showing a massive increase in the popularity of the MONKEY PARTY.
The Monkey Party Secretary.
The MONKEY PARTY campaign for the Local Elections – part 6
With only two days to go before the elections, we ask everyone to read the Monkey Party manifesto and make up their minds.
Please read our full manifesto here:
https://britisharmysgtmonkey.wordpress.com/2012/03/21/the-monkey-party-2012-budget-statement/
and here:
Our wee monkey is a councillor candidiate for Edinburgh Council.
Sgt. Monkey is a councillor candidiate for Edinburgh Council.
Our wee monkey is a very nice monkey, he is a traveller having travelled the world experiencing different cultures and people. He is an adventurer having trek the Sahara desert and climbed Mount Everest. He is a honest little monkey and is loyal to his girlfriend. He got his first aid badge in the Cub Scouts. He has served Queen and Country in the British Army and is proud of his service. Please vote for him, he is a lovely monkey.
If you vote for Monkey and Monkey get elected into Edinburgh Council, this picture represents how Edinburgh will look in 12 months time:
Edinburgh will bosom with Monkey running things.
If you vote for the lying deceiving three in one party LABLIBCON then this picture will represent how Edinburgh will look in 12 months time:
This is how Edinburgh will look if you DON'T vote for our wee monkey!
Vote Monkey on May 3rd to bring back common sense to British Politics.
The Monkey Party secretary
The MONKEY PARTY campaign for the Local Elections – part 5
Today our wee monkey, the Monkey Party candidate in the UK Local Elections was busy campaigning for a waterslide at the Royal Edinburgh Commonwealth Pool. One of the key policys of the Monkey Party manifesto.
Our wee monkey was busy today with his election campaign.
Our wee monkey wrote a email to the the City of Edinburgh Council demanding a waterslide to be be built.
The email is as follows:
“Sir,
Regarding the £37 million refurbishment of the Edinburgh Royal Commonwealth Pool, I cannot understand why no waterslide was built? Surely with £37 million, some funds could had been set aside for a waterslide? Where did this money go? It is a scandal!
A google search found this waterslide at a mere cheap £200. http://www.amazon.co.uk/Giant-Inflatable-Water-Slide-Blower/dp/B003UMEBQE/ref=sr_1_12?s=kids&ie=UTF8&qid=1335293310&sr=1-12
Could it be installed into the Commonwealth Pool?
I have spoken to many residents of Edinburgh and they say that the Commonwealth Pool is boring as it has no wave machine or waterslide! There is nothing to do other than swim around in a rectangular pool!
That is why I prefer Waterworld in Ayia Napa, Cyprus – it is fun!
Love and kisses,
Monkey
Official candidate for the Monkey Party”
We hope that the council respond to popular public demand.
It is also noted that despite invitations for a leader’s debate sent out to all of the mainstream political parties earlier in the week, none had responded to take up the challenge of a one to one live TV debate with our wee monkey. Are they scared of facing up to the voice of reason that is our wee monkey? Scared of being made a fool of by the cuddly toy monkey?
The Monkey Party Secretary
The MONKEY PARTY campaign for the Local Elections – part 4
Today our wee monkey, the Monkey Party candidate in the UK Local Elections was busy studying the financial growth forecast charts of our great nation. He is not happy! Not happy indeed.
News this week, released by the ONS that our country is back in recession is worrying. The three in one party LABLIBCON had failed us. They are incompetent. Far from getting our country moving again following the 2008 banking crisis, they had brought this country once again back to it knees. Our wee monkey is not happy with our failed coalition government.
Today our wee monkey was busy reading the Financial Times studying the charts for the UK economy.
This chart belows shows the decline in the UK ecomony under the coalition government:
The chart shows the decline in the UK ecomony under the coalition government.
This chart below shows the growth forecast of the UK ecomony under a Monkey Party government:
The charts shows the growth forecast of the UK ecomony under a Monkey Party government.
As the charts clearly demonstrates, we at the Monkey Party are able to flip and turn charts by using Microsoft Paint.
Only by voting the Monkey Party on May 3rd can we get the “Great” back into Britain.
Vote monkey on May 3rd and see the change.
The Monkey Party Secretary
10000 hits celebration!
The OFFICAL Sgt. Monkey website is please to announce that at 1235 hours on Wednesday 25th April 2012, we had recieved our 10000th hit.
The news articles about our wee monkey election bid in the UK Local Elections is bring in new bloggers each day to our website. Our wee monkey is the leader of the Monkey Party and is the fastest growing political party in the UK.
We are please to annouce that our 10000th hitter competition has a winner! But who is it? We have no ideal! If you are the person that made the 10000th hit at 1235 hours today (BST time) please email us to claim your prize. Proof that you were the 10000th hitter is required.
The prize is a packet of monkey nuts.
The 10000th hitter had won a packet of monkey nuts!
We look forward to hearing from our 10000th hitter.
If you missed out on this competition, don’t worry as we are still running the “Where’s monkey” competition and the deadline is 30th April 2012.
The competition is here:
https://britisharmysgtmonkey.wordpress.com/2012/03/23/competition-wheres-monkey/
We will of course keep you all up to date of Sgt. Monkey gossip and adventures.
The webmaster team
The MONKEY PARTY campaign for the Local Elections – part 3
Our wee monkey was out on the streets of Edinburgh today campaigning for his bid for a seat on the City of Edinburgh Council.
Many people today expressed their support for our wee monkey and yesterday a blogger on this very website stated that he would wear a monkey outfit to help bring back common sense to British politics.
After visiting local residents this morning, our wee monkey spent the afternoon in his office organizing his campaign.
He wrote a letter to the Scottish Conservative Party local candidate today challenging him to a live TV debate.
Our wee monkey spent the afternoon in his office writing letters and emails.
We look forward to hearing from the Torys to see if they will accept our challenge.
The letter was sent to the Scottish Conservative Party challenging them to a live TV debate with our wee monkey.
Monkey then wrote an email to the Edinburgh Council demanding that a water slide is built at the Royal Commonwealth Pool.
The email said:
“Are their any plans to build a huge waterslide at the newly refurbished Royal Commonwealth Pool. It would be fun!”
This waterslide which can be purchased online is only £199.95, so why did a £37 million refurbishment of the pool not been able to purchase one? Where did the £37 million go? It is a scandal.
If you want to send an email to Edinburgh Council demanding a waterslide to be built at the Royal Commonwealth Pool please use this link:
https://www.edinburgh.gov.uk/forms/form/5/en/make_a_suggestion_compliment_or_complaint
If you wish to volunteer your time and join the Monkey Party campaigning team, please email us at our usual email address.
Put an end to this madness and vote Monkey on May 3rd.
A vote for Monkey is a vote for common sense.
The Monkey Party secretary
britisharmysgtmonkey 