He knows no fear!

Posts tagged “poll

The General Election Poll

With a week to go till the country go to the polls, the Monkey Party is leading in our poll with 75% of the votes.

Putting trust back into Parliament

Putting trust back into Parliament

If you have not voted yet in our poll then please vote now:

The Monkey Party secretary

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The Monkey Party General Election Campaign 2015 – part 9

With ten days to go before the country go to the polls, it is all to play for as Labour, the Conservatives and the Monkey Party are all on 33% in the opinion polls.

We at the Monkey Party are fighting for YOU! Yes YOU! We represent YOU! So vote for us and make it happen.

Today our wee monkey announce his policy on defence. In his speech to a packed audience at the London O2 Arena he outline his party policy on defence.

With defence a touchy subject especially when it comes to the position of the Trident nuclear warheads replacement, the subject has become very controversial when it comes to costs of the Trident replacement.

With an estimated £30 billion to replace the current Trident missiles which are coming to the end of their shelf lives, some would argue do we still need nuclear warheads? With our pensioners starving to death, our hospitals run down and our schools crumbing should we be spending £30 billion on nuclear warheads?

This missile costs £30 billion and will blow up the Earth three times over.

This missile costs £30 billion and will blow up the Earth three times over.

We do live in dangerous times with threats of terrorism and invasion from axis of evil countries. Yet, we must not allow our elders and children go without the basics.

It is clear that we must look after our own citizens but not at the expense of spending £30 billion on nuclear weapons.

We at the Monkey Party believe that spending £30 billion on nuclear weapons is a waste of money and the money should be spent on our hospitals and schools. Yet, we at the Monkey party also take the defence of our citizens seriously so we have come up with an alternative policy to the Trident warheads. Our defence policy will be known as the big “F**k Off” policy.

With a population of 70 million in our country we have plenty of people to tell terrorists and rogue invaders to “F**k Off” and this is a far cheaper alternative to firing nuclear missiles at them at a cost of £30 billion (and blowing ourselves up at the same time).

Out citizens telling evil invading armies to

Our citizens telling evil invading armies to “F**k Off!”

Any potential invader to our great country will be deafen with 70 million people telling them to “F**k Off”. This cry of “F**k Off” will scare the s**t out of them and they will run away. All of this without a single bullet being fired!

Surely it is better for 70 million people to tell terrorists and invaders to “F**k Off” and is better then blowing the world up with nuclear warheads.

In addition, we at the Monkey Party Ministry of Defence will be arming each and every citizen of our great country with a party popper. With 70 million citzens firing 70 million party poppers into the air at the same time this will create a temporary tin foil tinsel shield over our great country that would repel any incoming nuclear missile attack upon us. Any nuclear missiles hitting this tin foil tinsel shield will simpily bounce off back to North Korea.

Our missile defence shield will be made up of party poppers.

Our missile defence shield will be made up of party poppers.

With Poundland selling party poppers at 12 for a pound, then 70 million party poppers would cost a mere £12 million.

Our missile defence shield in action.

Our missile defence shield in action.

With the UK currently spending £37.5 billion on defence and the USA spending $670 billion on defence surely it would be far cheaper to buy party poppers rather than bullets, tanks and missiles. Also party poppers have the additional attraction that they don’t kill people. Imagine a war where soldiers don’t actually kill each other!

With the Monkey Party in government then all future wars will be a peaceful one where party poppers are fired in self-defence and terrorists are told to “F**k Off”. We will all be safer.

If you believe in our defence policies then please VOTE for us on May 7th and please tell your friends about the MONKEY PARTY!

We are the fastest growing political party in Scotland.

We are the fastest growing political party in Scotland.

The Monkey Party secretary


The Monkey Party General Election Campaign 2015 – part 8

It is almost the end of week 3 of our election campaign and our poll is showing the Monkey Party on 75% public opinion. Our wee monkey was speaking at Birmingham NEC this afternoon and in his speech he spoke about the Monkey Party policy for women empowerment and equality.

The Labour Party had launch the pink bus to highlight women empowerment. We at the Monkey Party find the pink bus to be disgusting as it highlights the stereotyping of the colour pink to the female sex. We fail to see how pink can represent women empowerment and equality. What Labour is saying is that women belong to the kitchen! We at the Monkey Party believe that women should be equal in the work place and not stereotype with the colour pink.

The Labour Party pink bus!

The Labour Party pink bus!

What on earth is Harriot Harman is trying to say about women?!?

Harriet Harman joined Labour candidate for Wirral West Margaret Greenwood with the party's pink bus.

Harriet Harman joined Labour candidate for Wirral West Margaret Greenwood with the party’s pink bus.

That is why we have our own policy on women rights with our stand up and piss policy.

Women should be standing up to wee if they want gender equality.

Women should be standing up to wee if they want gender equality.

Let me explain. We believe that for women to be taken serious by men in the workplace is that women must urinate standing. We therefore will promote the use of urinals for women and end the practice of sitting to piss.

How will we get women to urinate standing? With the aid of a shewee device. We will issue every woman in the country a shewee straight from eBay.

Introducing the shewee!

Introducing the shewee!

At a cost of £3.99 each then to provide 35 million females with a shewee will cost the country £140 million. A small price to pay for women empowerment.

So what is a shewee?

The shewee in its glory!

The shewee in its glory!

The shewee allows women to urinate whilst standing.

As quoted from the offical shewee website:

“Invented in 1999 by Samantha Fountain while at university, the Shewee was made as a way to improve trips to toilets for women. The germs, doors that don’t lock, lack of loo roll; all things that women hate about (the usually disgusting) women’s public toilets can be solved with the use of a Shewee.

The first Shewee was made publicly available in 2003, and since has become fully established in the outdoor market, which is where our passions lie. Due to the long amounts of time spent outdoors, usually in places where loos are few and far between, the Shewee fell into the outdoor market with ease.

Shewee is now rapidly appealing to ‘everyday’ women who, like us, hate using public toilets and want something to make it easier and cleaner than trying to squat and hover over away from the germs.”

How to use a shewee.

How to use a shewee.

Women are to carry their shewees with them at all times.

Now men and women can have gender equality.

Now men and women can have gender equality.

Even top celebrities are recommending shewees…

As seen on Top Gear!

As seen on Top Gear!

Once all of our women are peeing standing, we will then carry out our next policy in women rights. That is to ban male and female toilets. Instead all toilets in the workplace and all public toilets will be unisex. Women and men can standing pissing together shoulder to shoulder. We believe that this will be the ultimate expression of women empowerment and equality of the sexes.

Unisex toilets is all about gender equality.

Unisex toilets is all about gender equality.

With our women peeing next to their bosses at work, this will help to ensure equal pay and promotion to the board.

The workplace toilet!

The workplace toilet!

If you agree with our women empowerment policy then please vote for us on May 7th.

We are the fastest growing political party in Scotland.

We are the fastest growing political party in Scotland.

Only the Monkey Party take the piss seriously.

The Monkey Party secretary

If you are interested in the shewee then please visit the official shewee website at:

www.shewee.com

If you wish to buy a shewee then purchases can be made on eBay at:

http://www.ebay.co.uk/bhp/shewee


The Monkey Party General Election Campaign 2015 – part 6

Today on our election campaign trail our wee monkey tried to gatecrash Tony Blair speech in the hope that we can impose an international arrest warrant on him for war crimes. It is Monkey Party policy that we send previous government ministers to the Hague for trial. We were stopped by the police and his bodyguards who flung our wee monkey over the fence.

Our very own opinion polls shows that the Monkey Party is leading.

Please vote in our poll.

Also tell your friends about us and spread the word of the Monkey Party. We are change.

The Monkey Party secretary


The Monkey Party General Election Campaign 2015 – part 3

Today is day 3 of our election campaign. The people of Britain are listening to the cuddly toy of reason.

We LISTEN to YOU.

We know your suffering under the rule of corrupt government. They work for the banks and corporations and not YOU! Our prime minister is a puppet for the central banks cartel and the military industrial complex that insists on perpetual war of aggression against third world countries.

Today our wee monkey announce his policy on abolishment of our national debt!

Our national debt has increased in the last five years.

Our national debt has increased in the last five years.

As of Q4 2014 UK government debt amounted to £1.51 trillion, or 88.1% of total GDP, at which time the annual cost of servicing (paying the interest) the public debt amounted to around £43bn, or roughly 3% of GDP.

Our Prime Minister hang his head in shame over our national debt.

Our Prime Minister hang his head in shame over our national debt.

YES it can be done. We can wipe out the national debt by simpily dragging it to the recycle bin on the PC desktop. Then we will select “empty recycle bin” and that is it. Our national debt gone for good.

So we will be able to build more hospitals and school as we have no debt and no interest to service.

How is this possible? Simple, new money is printed as debt under the fractional reserve banking system that we have. It is fiat money and the money is not backed by a commodity. Our money is no longer backed by gold standard and have not been for decades. Nixon abolished the gold standard in 1971.

Since 1971 the dollar has lost value against gold.

Since 1971 the dollar has lost value against gold.

President Nixon sold us to the central banks cartel.

It has all gone pair shape since 1971.

It has all gone pair shape since 1971.

And you can blame this man….

What a fool!

What a fool!

Since the US dollar is the world reserve currancy then what happens to the dollar affects the pound. It is all pretend money. The debt is not real. It is just all a set of figures on a computer screen. Since the money is not real, then surely to cancel the debt you only have to erase it on a computer screen.

So let us put the national debt into the recycle bin.

We will bring in a new currency and we will call it the COCO. We will adopt the COCO currency. The British Pound is riddled with dept and has lost 66% of it value over the last 30 years due to inflation. However, the COCO which is linked to the coconut reserves of Borneo is a stable currency. It is not based on fractional banking where new money is created as debt thus existing money devalues as new debt is created. Oh no, the COCO is not a fractional banking currency, it is based on a real commodity that is the coconut reserves of Borneo. If we run out of COCOS, we simply plant more coconut trees.

The COCO currency.

The COCO currency.

With us adopting the COCO as our currency, we will be free of the debt crisies of Europe. The COCO each weighing 1kg each will solve our pickpockers crime wave. With each COCO so bloody heavy, pickpockers yobs will no longer be able to run away so easily after doing their bad deeds. So you be able to catch the little devils and duff them up with your baseball bat.

In summary – we will delete the national debt by dragging it to the recycle bin and we will bring in a proper currency based upon a commodity called the COCO.

VOTE the MONKEY Party on May 7th and make the dream come true.

Remember to tell your friend’s about the Monkey Party.

If you would like to volunteer to help the Monkey Party campaign with door to door canvassing then please email our webmaster on our usual email. Thank you.

Please participate in our reader’s poll bellow.

For more information about fractional banking reserve system please visit:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mII9NZ8MMVM

The Monkey Party secretary


Scotland Referendum: Results!

Yesterday was very tense as we at Monkey Party HQs waited for the results.

We can tell you that the votes for “no” was 54.7% whilst votes for “yes” was 45.2% giving the “maybe” campaign just 0.1%.

Ok so the people of Scotland voted for tyranny from the ruling elite rather than FRRREEEEDDOOOM of no governing body.

The leader of the MONKEY PARTY celebrated his lost by getting p***ed.

Monkey was partying this morning after hearing the news of his lost in the referendum.

Good luck Scotland under your tyranny – you voted for it!

The Monkey Party Secretary

– The End –


Scotland Referendum: You Decide!

The leader of the Monkey Party appeal to all his supporters NOT to vote either YES or NO.

A vote for YES or NO is a vote to put a tyrant into power.

Be FREE and vote for noone to rule over your life.

Instead vote MAYBE!

It is vital that you do not vote either “yes” or “no” in the Scottish independance referendum. That is why we at the Monkey Party believes that the “maybe” vote is the best vote for the people of Scotland.

This is the reason why: If you vote “maybe” then NOTHING will happen! Absolutely nothing!

We at the Monkey Party believe that the best politician will be the one that keeps his/her mouth shut and not do anything!

This has been proven to be true many times over in the last sixty years of British politics.

Each time a politican leader makes a decision or speaks his/her mind – the result has been mayhem!

That is why we at the Monkey Party believes that a “maybe” vote is the best option for the people of Scotland in the referendum.

Our wee monkey was out on the streets of Edinburgh today campaigning.

PLEASE vote “maybe” today and don’t let either Cameron or Salmond win.

Scotland the land where real men don’t wear underpants.

The decision is yours….

….and remember put a “MAYBE” sticker onto a bus stop shelter today as we can’t debate our policys!

The Monkey Party Secretary

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