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Posts tagged “scandal

The monkey meat scandal

News this week about monkey meat being used in many of our supermarkets is shocking! Tests by the food standards agency (FSA) suggests that cheap imported monkey meat was being used in our “beefburgers” and “mince meat”. Our own wee monkey express discuss that our food supply chain had to resort to using monkey meat as a cheaper subsititute for British beef. Our wee monkey also say that under no circumstances should anyone be eating monkey meat as he is worried he will be eaten himself. Please when you do your weekly shopping at the suppermarket this week, check that you are buying BRITISH beef and not cheap imported monkey meat – ask questions to your local butcher and make sure that he is not selling you monkey meat.

Thank you and buy British beef.

Allow the monkey to simmer for 20 minutes.

Please do not buy monkey meat from the supermarkets.

(If you do want to eat monkey meat then please read our monkey meat recipe here: https://britisharmysgtmonkey.wordpress.com/2012/03/10/monkey-secret-recipes-from-the-jungles-of-borneo-2/)

The webmaster team

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The MONKEY PARTY campaign for the Local Elections – part 3

Our wee monkey was out on the streets of Edinburgh today campaigning for his bid for a seat on the City of Edinburgh Council.

Many people today expressed their support for our wee monkey and yesterday a blogger on this very website stated that he would wear a monkey outfit to help bring back common sense to British politics.

After visiting local residents this morning, our wee monkey spent the afternoon in his office organizing his campaign.

He wrote a letter to the Scottish Conservative Party local candidate today challenging him to a live TV debate.

Our wee monkey spent the afternoon in his office writing letters and emails.

We look forward to hearing from the Torys to see if they will accept our challenge.

The letter was sent to the Scottish Conservative Party challenging them to a live TV debate with our wee monkey.

Monkey then wrote an email to the Edinburgh Council demanding that a water slide is built at the Royal Commonwealth Pool.

The email said:

“Are their any plans to build a huge waterslide at the newly refurbished Royal Commonwealth Pool. It would be fun!”

This waterslide which can be purchased online is only £199.95, so why did a £37 million refurbishment of the pool not been able to purchase one? Where did the £37 million go? It is a scandal.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Giant-Inflatable-Water-Slide-Blower/dp/B003UMEBQE/ref=sr_1_12?s=kids&ie=UTF8&qid=1335293310&sr=1-12

If you want to send an email to Edinburgh Council demanding a waterslide to be built at the Royal Commonwealth Pool please use this link:

https://www.edinburgh.gov.uk/forms/form/5/en/make_a_suggestion_compliment_or_complaint

If you wish to volunteer your time and join the Monkey Party campaigning team, please email us at our usual email address.

Put an end to this madness and vote Monkey on May 3rd.

A vote for Monkey is a vote for common sense.

The Monkey Party secretary


British monkeys involved in tickling scandal!

In todays ragpiece the “Daily Mirror” – allegations were published that monkeys serving in the British Forces were abusing Iraqi detainees with excessive tickling to make then give vital information. As we all know, tickling is a form of torture that is against the Geneva Convention.

We spoke to our own wee Sgt. Monkey about these allegations of excessive tickling on Iraqi detainees, and he was shocked at the claims.

Having serve the country proudly during the 2003 conflict, our monkey strongly denies that he was tickling any POWs.

The shocking image of excessive tickling on Iraqi POWs as published in todays Daily Mirror.

Whilst the published images are shocking to view, we hope they prove to be a newspaper spin piece.

The webmaster team

* The Geneva Convention descibes tickling as the act of touching a part of the body so as to cause involuntary twitching movements and/or laughter and is strictly outlawed.


Sex scandal: Aftermath

The sex scandal is over…. our wee Sgt. Monkey was innocent and is not the father of baby Lek.

So where is everyone now?

Tak the hardnut pimp is in Bangkok Bang Kwang prison.

Tak is now in Bang Kwang Prison!

Pom the Thai prostitiute has now left the game and is working in a 5* hotel in Bangkok as a door steward….

Pom now works as a door steward at a hotel!

She greets all the guests who come into the hotel.

Baby Lek has been taken into care and is now being brought up by a highly respectable family….

Baby Lek with her carers.... they are taking good care of her!

Our own Sgt. Monkey has been cleared of all wrong-doing and is reporting back to work on Monday morning….

Sgt. Monkey was seen walking in the park this morning.

The webmaster team


Sex scandal: Monkey’s secret love child day 6

The Jeremy Kyle show was on ITV at 9.30am this morning and what a show it was!

Secrets, swearing and violence!

BUT the truth is now out!

Using a clever disguise our monkey appeared on the show this morning:

Monkey was in disguise as he appeared on the show!

The DNA results shows that Tak is the father of baby Lek and not our Sgt. Monkey!

The lie detector test shows that Sgt. Monkey did not have sex with Pom!

Why did Pom made up the story that our wee monkey was Lek’s father?

Jeremy Kyle suggested that Pom and Tak were using our wee monkey as a means to get British citzenship to live in the UK and to claim child benefits for baby Lek!

Violence errupted on the stage and security was called in to prevent the hardnut Tak beating up our wee monkey:

Violene errupted on the show....

Highlights of the show can be seen here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BwSasvBwfRA&feature=related

Pom and Tak were dragged off the stage, but they gave the following statement to the press outside the studios shortly afterwards:

“I will ******** you ******* in ****** the ******* that ******** monkey ****** will *******ing ****** ***** up my ******* the ******** little ******!”

Meanwhile back in Thailand the Monkey Police Force had made arrests…. and baby Lek has been taken into care of the social services.

The Thai Monkey Police Force made arrests this morning....

The scandal is over…. it look like that our wee monkey did kept his underpants on whilst on hoilday in Thailand last month…. good for him!

The webmaster team


Sex scandal: Monkey’s secret love child day 5

This scandal just isn’t going away….

With the live TV appearance tomorrow morning on the Jeremy Kyle show, will we find out the truth finally about baby Lek?

We sent an undercover reporter to Bangkok, whom had been using a clever disguise to spy on Pom and we can REVEAL Pom’s secret!

Our undercover private eye been spying on Pom!

It appears that Pom has a Thai boyfriend!

We saw him living in Pom’s home and we know he is a drunken unemployed layabout and a hardman! His name is “Tak”.

Is Tak the pimp for Pom?

Is he Pom’s pimp? Is he the real father of Lek? If so, why does Pom lie about our Sgt. Monkey being the father?

Our spy also saw Pom working at the bars last night.

Pom was working the bars last night!

Will Jeremy Kyle get to the bottom of this scandal tomorrow morning.

The webmaster team


Sex scandal: Monkey’s secret love child day 4

The scandal continues….

Is our monkey cuddly toy the father of baby Lek?

Today on the BBC news, it was reported that Sgt. Monkey could no longer cope with the stress of the scandal and threw himself off George IV bridge. We were horrified at this news so we sent a text to monkey’s mobile to see if it was true and we received a text back: “My dear sir, news of my death is grossly exaggerated!”

Sgt. Monkey reported for duty at the barracks this morning. Because of the media frenzy surrounding this scandal, extra armed guards were posted on the barracks perimeter today.

Security was tight at the barracks today!

Feminists protestors were camping outside the barracks today. Despite heavy security, none of them manage to get inside the barracks as the guards were using sniper rifles to take out the protestors one by one.

The feminists were outraged that our monkey was seeing a monkey prostitute and believe that our monkey was making a mockery out of the female rights movement. A riot began – we sent in the riot police.

Riot police prevented the protestors getting to our monkey....

Meanwhile back in Thailand….

Pom was working in the bars again.

Pom was in the bars last night....

Pom was with a client last night….

Pom was with a client last night!

In todays issue of the Bangkok Post, Pom story in her own words was published – here is an extract:

“I saw him drinking at the bar, he was alone and looked cute to approach. I went up to him and he brought me a drink. After chatting a while, he offered me 2000 Baht (£40) to go back to the hotel room. He seem a nice cuddly toy and he gave me his raincoat as we headed outside to the taxi ramp. He was such a gentlemen.”

Because of the media attention surrounding this scandal, Baby Lek is now staying with her grandmother in Northeast Thailand.

Is Baby Lek the secret love child of monkey?

Only one man has the answer to this scandal. Yes, it is Jeremy Kyle.

Monkey and Pom are appearing on the Jeremy Kyle show on Friday morning!

Monkey and Pom have agreed to discuss their problems live on the Jeremy Kyle show on Friday morning. Will the truth come out?

Find out more tomorrow….

The webmaster team