He knows no fear!

Posts tagged “speech

Monkey’s Christmas speech 2015

The webmaster team are please to announce the OFFICAL MONKEY CHRISTMAS SPEECH:

Monkey wish everyone a very merry Christmas 2015.

Monkey wish everyone a very merry Christmas 2015.

“Hello and merry Christmas everyone.

2015 was the year that we all got older. For many of us, we came to realise that our bodies are no longer in prime condition and it is becoming harder to make love in the bedroom. That is why those who are younger and more able than our elders must do more in the bedroom and make love as often as you can. Because when you get older, you will realise that you are no longer able to do it! So enjoy it whilst you still can. Thank you for listening and merry Christmas everyone – Sgt. Monkey.”

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The Monkey Party General Election Campaign 2015 – part 10

Tomorrow the country will vote! Today our wee monkey made his final speech of the campaign. His subject of today’s speech was homeland security. It is the Monkey Party priority to make sure that our street are safe. We are all fed up of fraudsters and crooks especially politicians. They are the real crooks not the petty thiefs that lout our streets. The politicians are the worst kind of criminals, they screw each and everyone of us every single day.

The thieves den!

The thieves den!

That is why the Monkey Party has it own homeland security policy. We are going to build the great Westminister Wall around Parliament. We will contain all the politicians behind this vile piece of concrete and guard it 24/7 to prevent any politician from climbing over it. A bit like the Berlin Wall.

The Westminister Wall will keep vile politicians contained.

The Westminister Wall will keep vile politicians contained.

No politician will ever roam our streets ever again and we will all feel safer. Our guards will have a shoot to kill policy when patrolling the Westminister Wall so you can be assure that no crooked politician will climb over the wall and impose a bedroom tax on you.

Our guards will shoot to kill.

Our guards will shoot to kill.

Tomorrow is your chance to make a real change to how our country is run. Do not vote the same old liars and scumbags and instead vote for the Monkey Party. We are the party for YOU!

We are the fastest growing political party in Scotland.

We are the fastest growing political party in Scotland.

Please VOTE MONKEY tomorrow! The Monkey Party secretary


The Monkey Party General Election Campaign 2015 – part 9

With ten days to go before the country go to the polls, it is all to play for as Labour, the Conservatives and the Monkey Party are all on 33% in the opinion polls.

We at the Monkey Party are fighting for YOU! Yes YOU! We represent YOU! So vote for us and make it happen.

Today our wee monkey announce his policy on defence. In his speech to a packed audience at the London O2 Arena he outline his party policy on defence.

With defence a touchy subject especially when it comes to the position of the Trident nuclear warheads replacement, the subject has become very controversial when it comes to costs of the Trident replacement.

With an estimated £30 billion to replace the current Trident missiles which are coming to the end of their shelf lives, some would argue do we still need nuclear warheads? With our pensioners starving to death, our hospitals run down and our schools crumbing should we be spending £30 billion on nuclear warheads?

This missile costs £30 billion and will blow up the Earth three times over.

This missile costs £30 billion and will blow up the Earth three times over.

We do live in dangerous times with threats of terrorism and invasion from axis of evil countries. Yet, we must not allow our elders and children go without the basics.

It is clear that we must look after our own citizens but not at the expense of spending £30 billion on nuclear weapons.

We at the Monkey Party believe that spending £30 billion on nuclear weapons is a waste of money and the money should be spent on our hospitals and schools. Yet, we at the Monkey party also take the defence of our citizens seriously so we have come up with an alternative policy to the Trident warheads. Our defence policy will be known as the big “F**k Off” policy.

With a population of 70 million in our country we have plenty of people to tell terrorists and rogue invaders to “F**k Off” and this is a far cheaper alternative to firing nuclear missiles at them at a cost of £30 billion (and blowing ourselves up at the same time).

Out citizens telling evil invading armies to

Our citizens telling evil invading armies to “F**k Off!”

Any potential invader to our great country will be deafen with 70 million people telling them to “F**k Off”. This cry of “F**k Off” will scare the s**t out of them and they will run away. All of this without a single bullet being fired!

Surely it is better for 70 million people to tell terrorists and invaders to “F**k Off” and is better then blowing the world up with nuclear warheads.

In addition, we at the Monkey Party Ministry of Defence will be arming each and every citizen of our great country with a party popper. With 70 million citzens firing 70 million party poppers into the air at the same time this will create a temporary tin foil tinsel shield over our great country that would repel any incoming nuclear missile attack upon us. Any nuclear missiles hitting this tin foil tinsel shield will simpily bounce off back to North Korea.

Our missile defence shield will be made up of party poppers.

Our missile defence shield will be made up of party poppers.

With Poundland selling party poppers at 12 for a pound, then 70 million party poppers would cost a mere £12 million.

Our missile defence shield in action.

Our missile defence shield in action.

With the UK currently spending £37.5 billion on defence and the USA spending $670 billion on defence surely it would be far cheaper to buy party poppers rather than bullets, tanks and missiles. Also party poppers have the additional attraction that they don’t kill people. Imagine a war where soldiers don’t actually kill each other!

With the Monkey Party in government then all future wars will be a peaceful one where party poppers are fired in self-defence and terrorists are told to “F**k Off”. We will all be safer.

If you believe in our defence policies then please VOTE for us on May 7th and please tell your friends about the MONKEY PARTY!

We are the fastest growing political party in Scotland.

We are the fastest growing political party in Scotland.

The Monkey Party secretary


The Monkey Party General Election Campaign 2015 – part 8

It is almost the end of week 3 of our election campaign and our poll is showing the Monkey Party on 75% public opinion. Our wee monkey was speaking at Birmingham NEC this afternoon and in his speech he spoke about the Monkey Party policy for women empowerment and equality.

The Labour Party had launch the pink bus to highlight women empowerment. We at the Monkey Party find the pink bus to be disgusting as it highlights the stereotyping of the colour pink to the female sex. We fail to see how pink can represent women empowerment and equality. What Labour is saying is that women belong to the kitchen! We at the Monkey Party believe that women should be equal in the work place and not stereotype with the colour pink.

The Labour Party pink bus!

The Labour Party pink bus!

What on earth is Harriot Harman is trying to say about women?!?

Harriet Harman joined Labour candidate for Wirral West Margaret Greenwood with the party's pink bus.

Harriet Harman joined Labour candidate for Wirral West Margaret Greenwood with the party’s pink bus.

That is why we have our own policy on women rights with our stand up and piss policy.

Women should be standing up to wee if they want gender equality.

Women should be standing up to wee if they want gender equality.

Let me explain. We believe that for women to be taken serious by men in the workplace is that women must urinate standing. We therefore will promote the use of urinals for women and end the practice of sitting to piss.

How will we get women to urinate standing? With the aid of a shewee device. We will issue every woman in the country a shewee straight from eBay.

Introducing the shewee!

Introducing the shewee!

At a cost of £3.99 each then to provide 35 million females with a shewee will cost the country £140 million. A small price to pay for women empowerment.

So what is a shewee?

The shewee in its glory!

The shewee in its glory!

The shewee allows women to urinate whilst standing.

As quoted from the offical shewee website:

“Invented in 1999 by Samantha Fountain while at university, the Shewee was made as a way to improve trips to toilets for women. The germs, doors that don’t lock, lack of loo roll; all things that women hate about (the usually disgusting) women’s public toilets can be solved with the use of a Shewee.

The first Shewee was made publicly available in 2003, and since has become fully established in the outdoor market, which is where our passions lie. Due to the long amounts of time spent outdoors, usually in places where loos are few and far between, the Shewee fell into the outdoor market with ease.

Shewee is now rapidly appealing to ‘everyday’ women who, like us, hate using public toilets and want something to make it easier and cleaner than trying to squat and hover over away from the germs.”

How to use a shewee.

How to use a shewee.

Women are to carry their shewees with them at all times.

Now men and women can have gender equality.

Now men and women can have gender equality.

Even top celebrities are recommending shewees…

As seen on Top Gear!

As seen on Top Gear!

Once all of our women are peeing standing, we will then carry out our next policy in women rights. That is to ban male and female toilets. Instead all toilets in the workplace and all public toilets will be unisex. Women and men can standing pissing together shoulder to shoulder. We believe that this will be the ultimate expression of women empowerment and equality of the sexes.

Unisex toilets is all about gender equality.

Unisex toilets is all about gender equality.

With our women peeing next to their bosses at work, this will help to ensure equal pay and promotion to the board.

The workplace toilet!

The workplace toilet!

If you agree with our women empowerment policy then please vote for us on May 7th.

We are the fastest growing political party in Scotland.

We are the fastest growing political party in Scotland.

Only the Monkey Party take the piss seriously.

The Monkey Party secretary

If you are interested in the shewee then please visit the official shewee website at:

www.shewee.com

If you wish to buy a shewee then purchases can be made on eBay at:

http://www.ebay.co.uk/bhp/shewee


The Monkey Party General Election Campaign 2015 – part 7

Today is the start of week 3 of our election campaign. Our wee monkey has given his party members a stunning speech at the Edinburgh International Conference Centre (EICC) this morning. The focus of his speech was on the economy.

Putting trust back into Parliament

Putting trust back into Parliament

So what is the solution to the Europe debt crisies, high taxes, the ever rising unemployment, increasing cost of living etc…? Well, the Monkey Party has the solution.

We have a plan for growth!

We have a plan for jobs!

We have a plan for tax cuts!

So what is our plan?

Our plan is simple, we are going to send a cuddly toy to the surface of moon by the end of the decade and safely bring him back to planet Earth.

We will send a cuddly toy to the surface of the moon by the end of the decade and will safely bring him back.

We will send a cuddly toy to the surface of the moon by the end of the decade and will safely bring him back.

That is our plan for growth!

Let us explain….

By sending a British cuddly toy to the moon, this will require research into the sciences. We will develop new technologies that we can trade with overseas. Oversea countries will want to buy our new advances.

Our country national debt is £4.6 trillion. We can only pay off this debt if we generate new industries in our country. The cuddly toy moon landing project will produce the new industies that our country needs. With new supersonic engines and super conductor computers, we will be selling “Made in UK” products all over the world.

The prototype moon landing module for our proposed cuddly toy moon landing project. Technology developed from this Airfix model will be traded overseas.

The prototype moon landing module for our proposed cuddly toy moon landing project. Technology developed from this Airfix model will be traded overseas.

Unemployment in the UK is currently 2.8 million. The proposed cuddly toy moon landing project requires a work force of approximately 2.8 million workers. Everyone will have a job when the Monkey Party is in power.

It is forecast that the cuddly toy moon landing project will cost £2.4 trillion. That is a lot!

So how are we going to pay for the cuddly toy moon landing project?

Are we going to raise taxes I hear you cry. NO, NO, NO and absolutly not!

We will not raise taxes for the cuddly toy moon landing project.

Read my lips, no more tax rises.

Instead, we will cull Tory MPs in Parliament. It has been reported that Tory MPs are claiming £2.4 trillion in coffee expenses in the Houses of Parliament coffee shop. So, we will cull all elected Tory MPs and the saved money will be diverted to the cuddly toy moon landing project.

So as you can clearly see, the cuddly toy moon landing project is affordable without the need for tax rises.

The investment in to this project will generate £9.7 trillion by 2020. That is more than enough to pay off our national debt of £4.6 trillion. The £5.1 trillion extra will be use to pay for tax cuts for everyone. YES! EVERYONE – rich or poor, we will all get tax cuts.

VAT reduced to 2.5%.

Income tax reduced to 10%

The success from the cuddly toy moon landing project will put the GREAT back into Britain. Oversea countries will continue to trade with us, buying our new technologies and science.

This chart demonstrates the predicted growth of our GDP after the cuddly toy moon landing project.

This chart clearly shows how the UK GDP will accelerate after the cuddly toy moon landing project.

This chart clearly shows how the UK GDP will accelerate after the cuddly toy moon landing project.

Vote for the Monkey Party in the 2015 General Elections and put a monkey into Parliament.

Put the cuddly toy on the moon and see the change.

Lets get Britain growing again.

The Monkey Party secretary


Monkey’s Christmas speech 2014

The webmaster team are please to announce the OFFICAL MONKEY CHRISTMAS SPEECH:

Monkey wish everyone a very merry Christmas 2014.

Monkey wish everyone a very merry Christmas 2014.

“Hello and merry Christmas everyone.

2014 was the year that WW3 almost broke out between the west and Russia. With war looming we must not worry and just think of the ones that we love this Christmas, that is what really matters. We must also love our neighbours as the bible say so. So please make love to them also as well as your wife. Remember to use a condom as unprotected sex can increase the chance of catching Ebola and the seasonal winter flu. I also ask all my British fans to consider the General Elections next May and remember that you don’t need anyone to tell you how to live your own life so please don’t vote for any ratface turd and just make your own decisions without anyone from Westminister make decisions for you. Also remember do not drink drive this Christmas as only men with small willys drink drive as they are losers. Thank you for listening and merry Christmas everyone – Sgt. Monkey.”


Monkey’s Christmas speech 2013

The webmaster team are please to announce the OFFICAL MONKEY CHRISTMAS SPEECH:

Monkey wish everyone a very merry Christmas 2013.

Monkey wish everyone a very merry Christmas 2013.

“Hello and merry Christmas everyone.

2013 was the year that we worried about our jobs, money, health and schoolwork. But that doesn’t matter this festival period as what really matters is those that you love and that you spend Christmas with the ones that you love – that what really matters. And remember don’t drink and drive. Thank you for listening and merry Christmas everyone – Sgt. Monkey.”