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Posts tagged “votes

General Election Results

The votes had been counted.

In the Edinburgh South constituency in which our wee monkey was a candidate, it was revealed that the Monkey Party has only got 3 votes.

With 74.8% turnout the winner was Labour with 39.1% of the votes. We congratulate Mr Ian Murray of Labour for winning the seat.

This was a disappointing result for us in the Monkey Party. It is obviously that the people of the UK are turkeys voting for Christmas and that they want more wars, more debt, more wage enslavement, erosion of pensions, zero hour contracts, bank bailouts, QE of money, nuclear missiles. They voted for it!

We at Monkey Party HQs are very upset so we got drunk.

In a shocking statement our wee monkey revealed that he is stepping down as the leader of the Monkey Party.

“Dear Monkey Fans,

I regret to say that I will be stepping down as the leader of the Monkey Party. Since 2010 when we founded the Monkey Party we had represented the ordinary working class citizen of Britain in British politics. It is obvious that the people of the UK want to be wage slaves for the elitism, the federal reserve and central banks, so I have no choice but to resign my position as the people of the UK had voted for more enslavement and not freedom.”

Sgt. Monkey”

Monkey was upset at hearing we only got 3  votes.

Monkey was upset at hearing we only got 3 votes.

We wish all the people of the UK good luck in their tyranny – they voted for it!

The Monkey Party secretary

– The end –

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The Monkey Party General Election Campaign 2015 – part 7

Today is the start of week 3 of our election campaign. Our wee monkey has given his party members a stunning speech at the Edinburgh International Conference Centre (EICC) this morning. The focus of his speech was on the economy.

Putting trust back into Parliament

Putting trust back into Parliament

So what is the solution to the Europe debt crisies, high taxes, the ever rising unemployment, increasing cost of living etc…? Well, the Monkey Party has the solution.

We have a plan for growth!

We have a plan for jobs!

We have a plan for tax cuts!

So what is our plan?

Our plan is simple, we are going to send a cuddly toy to the surface of moon by the end of the decade and safely bring him back to planet Earth.

We will send a cuddly toy to the surface of the moon by the end of the decade and will safely bring him back.

We will send a cuddly toy to the surface of the moon by the end of the decade and will safely bring him back.

That is our plan for growth!

Let us explain….

By sending a British cuddly toy to the moon, this will require research into the sciences. We will develop new technologies that we can trade with overseas. Oversea countries will want to buy our new advances.

Our country national debt is £4.6 trillion. We can only pay off this debt if we generate new industries in our country. The cuddly toy moon landing project will produce the new industies that our country needs. With new supersonic engines and super conductor computers, we will be selling “Made in UK” products all over the world.

The prototype moon landing module for our proposed cuddly toy moon landing project. Technology developed from this Airfix model will be traded overseas.

The prototype moon landing module for our proposed cuddly toy moon landing project. Technology developed from this Airfix model will be traded overseas.

Unemployment in the UK is currently 2.8 million. The proposed cuddly toy moon landing project requires a work force of approximately 2.8 million workers. Everyone will have a job when the Monkey Party is in power.

It is forecast that the cuddly toy moon landing project will cost £2.4 trillion. That is a lot!

So how are we going to pay for the cuddly toy moon landing project?

Are we going to raise taxes I hear you cry. NO, NO, NO and absolutly not!

We will not raise taxes for the cuddly toy moon landing project.

Read my lips, no more tax rises.

Instead, we will cull Tory MPs in Parliament. It has been reported that Tory MPs are claiming £2.4 trillion in coffee expenses in the Houses of Parliament coffee shop. So, we will cull all elected Tory MPs and the saved money will be diverted to the cuddly toy moon landing project.

So as you can clearly see, the cuddly toy moon landing project is affordable without the need for tax rises.

The investment in to this project will generate £9.7 trillion by 2020. That is more than enough to pay off our national debt of £4.6 trillion. The £5.1 trillion extra will be use to pay for tax cuts for everyone. YES! EVERYONE – rich or poor, we will all get tax cuts.

VAT reduced to 2.5%.

Income tax reduced to 10%

The success from the cuddly toy moon landing project will put the GREAT back into Britain. Oversea countries will continue to trade with us, buying our new technologies and science.

This chart demonstrates the predicted growth of our GDP after the cuddly toy moon landing project.

This chart clearly shows how the UK GDP will accelerate after the cuddly toy moon landing project.

This chart clearly shows how the UK GDP will accelerate after the cuddly toy moon landing project.

Vote for the Monkey Party in the 2015 General Elections and put a monkey into Parliament.

Put the cuddly toy on the moon and see the change.

Lets get Britain growing again.

The Monkey Party secretary


The Monkey Party 2015 Budget statement

Yesterday the pathetic excus of a coalition government gave us the budget statement and what viral greeny snotty diarrhoea it was.

We at Monkey Party HQs became ill, in fact very ill, when we were listening to the chancellor’s speech. We were shock that we must now give up our chocloates to the government tax department. Is anything tax free these days! Even sex is taxing. Even dying is taxing too – so don’t die unless you can afford it.

We in the Monkey Party believe that the real reason that over once great country is bankrupt is because our policitans are abusing the system. Yes, thats right. They milk our system day and night and yet they have the cheek to acuse the disabled to be spongers. They tax our disabled war veterans and many others and yet they get subsidised meals at Parliament and travel expenses paid for as well as hotel rooms with call girls and/or rent boys!

It is time that we do something about this.

We are going to TAX the politicians.

They bankrupt the country so they must pay!

We will charge each MP a tax of £50 per day just for being a politician. We will collect this fee from them as they leave Parliament each day. We will not let them out of Parliament unless they pay up and too right.

We will tax this!

We will tax this!

We will call this the elitism tax.

Any policians refusing to pay this tax will not be allowed to go home each day – they will remain in Parliament untill they pay up.

Our politicians rather spend time in the subsidised bar.

Our politicians rather spend time in the subsidised bar.

Our MPs are busy sex texting whilst at work.

Our MPs are busy sex texting whilst at work.

Too busy at the bar?

Too busy at the bar?

Only four Labour MPs bother to turn up!

Only four Labour MPs bother to turn up!

They rather pick their noses!

They rather pick their noses!

They even fall asleep on the job!

They even fall asleep on the job!

We will only collect this tax from them as they leave the Parliament building.

Look at this chart, with our policians paying taxes our country GDP increases:

This chart clearly shows how the UK GDP will accelerate after our politicians pay tax.

This chart clearly shows how the UK GDP will accelerate after our politicians pay tax.

This is our alternative tax to the dribble that was presented to us yesterday from the coalition government.

The polician elitism tax is a fair tax for the ordinary people of Britain.

VOTE Monkey and let us get this country growing again.

The Monkey Party secretary


The Monkey Party 2015 Pre-Budget statement

Tomorrow is Budget 2015. This is the last budget speech before the General Election and no doubt be full of false lies to convince the sheeple to vote for them. The Chancellor George Osborne will make his Budget 2015 statement to Parliament on Wednesday 18th March 2015 at 1230 hours.

Do you remember this hellish scene from last year's Budget?

Do you remember this hellish scene from last year’s Budget?

At Monkey Party HQs our team of financial experts from Oxford University and Cambridge University, and the London School of Economics will be analyzing the budget speech as it is read out.

Our experts at Monkey Party HQs will be answering your Q&As.

Our experts at Monkey Party HQs will be answering your Q&As.

We will be bringing you live updates from the day events so that you are always informed of what is happening and just how bad it really is once we take out the b******t.

Did you vote for him?

Did you vote for him?

Don’t be fooled into thinking that our Prime Minister has your interests at heart with his pre-election spin nonsense. It is all spin to get the sheeple to vote for him on May 7th.

Our Prime Minister listens to you!?!

Our Prime Minister listens to you!?!

On March 19th we the Monkey Party will be publishing our alternative Monkey Party Budget 2015 statement.

Monkey reading up his 2015 Budget speech statement

Monkey reading up his 2015 Budget speech statement.

We at the Monkey Party listens to you.

We know your suffering…

…and we know the solutions.

That is why you must VOTE monkey on May 7th.

Our alternative Monkey Party Budget 2015 statement will have REAL promises to YOU and YOUR family.

Our 2014 Budget statement is here: https://britisharmysgtmonkey.wordpress.com/2014/03/20/the-monkey-party-2014-budget-statement/

Vote Monkey and lets get monkey power.

The Monkey Party secretary


Scotland Referendum: Results!

Yesterday was very tense as we at Monkey Party HQs waited for the results.

We can tell you that the votes for “no” was 54.7% whilst votes for “yes” was 45.2% giving the “maybe” campaign just 0.1%.

Ok so the people of Scotland voted for tyranny from the ruling elite rather than FRRREEEEDDOOOM of no governing body.

The leader of the MONKEY PARTY celebrated his lost by getting p***ed.

Monkey was partying this morning after hearing the news of his lost in the referendum.

Good luck Scotland under your tyranny – you voted for it!

The Monkey Party Secretary

– The End –


Scotland Referendum: You Decide!

The leader of the Monkey Party appeal to all his supporters NOT to vote either YES or NO.

A vote for YES or NO is a vote to put a tyrant into power.

Be FREE and vote for noone to rule over your life.

Instead vote MAYBE!

It is vital that you do not vote either “yes” or “no” in the Scottish independance referendum. That is why we at the Monkey Party believes that the “maybe” vote is the best vote for the people of Scotland.

This is the reason why: If you vote “maybe” then NOTHING will happen! Absolutely nothing!

We at the Monkey Party believe that the best politician will be the one that keeps his/her mouth shut and not do anything!

This has been proven to be true many times over in the last sixty years of British politics.

Each time a politican leader makes a decision or speaks his/her mind – the result has been mayhem!

That is why we at the Monkey Party believes that a “maybe” vote is the best option for the people of Scotland in the referendum.

Our wee monkey was out on the streets of Edinburgh today campaigning.

PLEASE vote “maybe” today and don’t let either Cameron or Salmond win.

Scotland the land where real men don’t wear underpants.

The decision is yours….

….and remember put a “MAYBE” sticker onto a bus stop shelter today as we can’t debate our policys!

The Monkey Party Secretary

Please cast your vote in our poll below:


Scotland Referendum: The Big Decision!

As you all know, Scotland will vote for it independance from the ruthless English thugs later tomorrow.

This could led to breakup of the Unitied Kingdom as we know it!

We at the Monkey Party take this referendum seriously and we are running the “maybe” campaign. All today we have been putting up “maybe” stickers all over Edinburgh’s bus stops. We have no debate so just decided to stick stickers up everywhere and not actually informing members of the public what our policys are.

Putting trust back into Parliament

The public supports the Monkey Party.

We do not support the “yes” campaign led by the pretend King of Scotland Alex Salmond nor do we support the “no” campaign led by the muppet clown David Cameron. The Monkey Party is a political party of principles and we will NEVER form a coalition with an enemy political party as we will NEVER betray our supporters (UNLIKE THE LIB DEMS). Even if we agree with the policys of rival political partys we will never support that policy because it comes from our rivals and not from our own mouths. That is why we are running the case for a “MAYBE” vote at the referendum as we do not back the yes or the no vote.

We at the Monkey Party believe that the “maybe” vote is the best option for the people of Scotland as a vote for either David Cameron “no” vote or the King of Scotland “yes” vote is a vote for tyrants.

The two tyrants who want to rule YOUR life!

The two tyrants who want to rule YOUR life!

YOU ARE FREE PEOPLE – do not vote for a tyrant.

If you vote either “yes” or “no” in the referendum then you are voting for the ruling elite to rule over your LIFE!

BE FREE – do not let a politican rule and ruin your life.

Make your own decisions and live life the way you want to lead it – DON’T let others make decisions for you.

If the referendum results with a “MAYBE” results then no one will have won the vote and thus noone will be place in charge of Scotland. The country will be leaderless.

IMAGINE a Scotland without a leader – you will be free to do anything you want (except murder).

THINK of a country without a government! You will be free from rules and laws and more important you will have no tax liabilities. You earn the money so keep it, don’t give your hard earnings to the tryants.

We at the Monkey Party believe that the best politician will be the one that keeps his/her mouth shut and not do anything! SO DON’T vote any such creeps into power. Imagine a country without politicians – there will be no WAR, no DEBT and no TONY BLAIR!

Politicians always screw up! This has been proven to be true many times over in the last sixty years of British politics. So don’t vote for them. Scotland does not need Cameron or King Salmond in power.

The Prime Minister with his referendum chief advisor.

The Prime Minister with his referendum chief advisor.

Each time a politican leader makes a decision or speaks his/her mind – the result has been mayhem! Wars are started, tax goes up and stock markets collapse.

THAT is why you must vote neither “yes” or “no”.

The Electoral Commission has now printed the OFFICAL ballot paper for the referendum. Below is a copy of the ballot paper – as you can see the “MAYBE” vote is the third box down. For those Scots who don’t speak Scottish the Scottish word for maybe is mibbe.

The ballot paper for the referendum.

The ballot paper for the referendum.

We have carefully examined the facts and decided that “maybe” is the way forward!

We ask all our supporters to vote “maybe” on this important referendum.

Thank you and please vote “maybe” tomorrow.

MAYBE is the way forward for Scotland!

The Monkey Party Secretary

Please cast your vote in our poll below: