50000 hits celebration!
The OFFICAL Sgt. Monkey website is please to announce that at 1943 hours on Monday 13th July 2015, we had recieved our 50000th hit.
Stories of our wee monkey adventures and gossip is bringing in new bloggers each day.
Obviously the recent adventures of our cuddly toy whilst in Turkey attracted new bloggers to this website.
Our wee cuddly toy was getting p***ed tonight to celebration this fantastic news.
Getting drunk…
To celebrate this milestone we at the webmaster offices are giving away a free monkey poo sample of shampoo to a lucky monkey fan. The lucky winner will be able wash his or her hair using this specially made bottle of shampoo that our wee monkey has poop into, this gives that extra shine to your hair and that authentic smell of the jungle fragrance.
To win this prize all you have to do is to email our webmaster offices on our usual email a 250 word statement stating why you love our website. The winner will be notified via email and told to collect their prize at a Argos shop and collect point.
Competition closing date 5pm Friday 17th July 2015.
Good luck with your entries.
We will of course keep you all up to date of Sgt. Monkey gossip and adventures.
The webmaster team
General Election Results
The votes had been counted.
In the Edinburgh South constituency in which our wee monkey was a candidate, it was revealed that the Monkey Party has only got 3 votes.
With 74.8% turnout the winner was Labour with 39.1% of the votes. We congratulate Mr Ian Murray of Labour for winning the seat.
This was a disappointing result for us in the Monkey Party. It is obviously that the people of the UK are turkeys voting for Christmas and that they want more wars, more debt, more wage enslavement, erosion of pensions, zero hour contracts, bank bailouts, QE of money, nuclear missiles. They voted for it!
We at Monkey Party HQs are very upset so we got drunk.
In a shocking statement our wee monkey revealed that he is stepping down as the leader of the Monkey Party.
“Dear Monkey Fans,
I regret to say that I will be stepping down as the leader of the Monkey Party. Since 2010 when we founded the Monkey Party we had represented the ordinary working class citizen of Britain in British politics. It is obvious that the people of the UK want to be wage slaves for the elitism, the federal reserve and central banks, so I have no choice but to resign my position as the people of the UK had voted for more enslavement and not freedom.”
Sgt. Monkey”
Monkey was upset at hearing we only got 3 votes.
We wish all the people of the UK good luck in their tyranny – they voted for it!
The Monkey Party secretary
– The end –
Voting Day
Today is the day that the public votes.
Please please please vote MONKEY for a real change.
We had listened to you and we know your suffering.
We are the party for YOU.
Don’t let the same old corrupt politicians back in. They don’t represent you, they are puppets working for David Beckham and Posh.
Imagine our wee monkey as your next Prime Minister. No more wars, no more food banks, no more low pay jobs, a country that is fair to all people.
Vote for us and tell your friends about us.
We are the fastest growing political party in Scotland.
Vote for the Monkey Party today.
The Monkey Party secretary
The Monkey Party General Election Campaign 2015 – part 10
Tomorrow the country will vote! Today our wee monkey made his final speech of the campaign. His subject of today’s speech was homeland security. It is the Monkey Party priority to make sure that our street are safe. We are all fed up of fraudsters and crooks especially politicians. They are the real crooks not the petty thiefs that lout our streets. The politicians are the worst kind of criminals, they screw each and everyone of us every single day.
The thieves den!
That is why the Monkey Party has it own homeland security policy. We are going to build the great Westminister Wall around Parliament. We will contain all the politicians behind this vile piece of concrete and guard it 24/7 to prevent any politician from climbing over it. A bit like the Berlin Wall.
The Westminister Wall will keep vile politicians contained.
No politician will ever roam our streets ever again and we will all feel safer. Our guards will have a shoot to kill policy when patrolling the Westminister Wall so you can be assure that no crooked politician will climb over the wall and impose a bedroom tax on you.
Our guards will shoot to kill.
Tomorrow is your chance to make a real change to how our country is run. Do not vote the same old liars and scumbags and instead vote for the Monkey Party. We are the party for YOU!
We are the fastest growing political party in Scotland.
Please VOTE MONKEY tomorrow! The Monkey Party secretary
The Monkey Party General Election Campaign 2015 – part 9
With ten days to go before the country go to the polls, it is all to play for as Labour, the Conservatives and the Monkey Party are all on 33% in the opinion polls.
We at the Monkey Party are fighting for YOU! Yes YOU! We represent YOU! So vote for us and make it happen.
Today our wee monkey announce his policy on defence. In his speech to a packed audience at the London O2 Arena he outline his party policy on defence.
With defence a touchy subject especially when it comes to the position of the Trident nuclear warheads replacement, the subject has become very controversial when it comes to costs of the Trident replacement.
With an estimated £30 billion to replace the current Trident missiles which are coming to the end of their shelf lives, some would argue do we still need nuclear warheads? With our pensioners starving to death, our hospitals run down and our schools crumbing should we be spending £30 billion on nuclear warheads?
This missile costs £30 billion and will blow up the Earth three times over.
We do live in dangerous times with threats of terrorism and invasion from axis of evil countries. Yet, we must not allow our elders and children go without the basics.
It is clear that we must look after our own citizens but not at the expense of spending £30 billion on nuclear weapons.
We at the Monkey Party believe that spending £30 billion on nuclear weapons is a waste of money and the money should be spent on our hospitals and schools. Yet, we at the Monkey party also take the defence of our citizens seriously so we have come up with an alternative policy to the Trident warheads. Our defence policy will be known as the big “F**k Off” policy.
With a population of 70 million in our country we have plenty of people to tell terrorists and rogue invaders to “F**k Off” and this is a far cheaper alternative to firing nuclear missiles at them at a cost of £30 billion (and blowing ourselves up at the same time).
Our citizens telling evil invading armies to “F**k Off!”
Any potential invader to our great country will be deafen with 70 million people telling them to “F**k Off”. This cry of “F**k Off” will scare the s**t out of them and they will run away. All of this without a single bullet being fired!
Surely it is better for 70 million people to tell terrorists and invaders to “F**k Off” and is better then blowing the world up with nuclear warheads.
In addition, we at the Monkey Party Ministry of Defence will be arming each and every citizen of our great country with a party popper. With 70 million citzens firing 70 million party poppers into the air at the same time this will create a temporary tin foil tinsel shield over our great country that would repel any incoming nuclear missile attack upon us. Any nuclear missiles hitting this tin foil tinsel shield will simpily bounce off back to North Korea.
Our missile defence shield will be made up of party poppers.
With Poundland selling party poppers at 12 for a pound, then 70 million party poppers would cost a mere £12 million.
Our missile defence shield in action.
With the UK currently spending £37.5 billion on defence and the USA spending $670 billion on defence surely it would be far cheaper to buy party poppers rather than bullets, tanks and missiles. Also party poppers have the additional attraction that they don’t kill people. Imagine a war where soldiers don’t actually kill each other!
With the Monkey Party in government then all future wars will be a peaceful one where party poppers are fired in self-defence and terrorists are told to “F**k Off”. We will all be safer.
If you believe in our defence policies then please VOTE for us on May 7th and please tell your friends about the MONKEY PARTY!
We are the fastest growing political party in Scotland.
The Monkey Party secretary
The Monkey Party General Election Campaign 2015 – part 8
It is almost the end of week 3 of our election campaign and our poll is showing the Monkey Party on 75% public opinion. Our wee monkey was speaking at Birmingham NEC this afternoon and in his speech he spoke about the Monkey Party policy for women empowerment and equality.
The Labour Party had launch the pink bus to highlight women empowerment. We at the Monkey Party find the pink bus to be disgusting as it highlights the stereotyping of the colour pink to the female sex. We fail to see how pink can represent women empowerment and equality. What Labour is saying is that women belong to the kitchen! We at the Monkey Party believe that women should be equal in the work place and not stereotype with the colour pink.
The Labour Party pink bus!
What on earth is Harriot Harman is trying to say about women?!?
Harriet Harman joined Labour candidate for Wirral West Margaret Greenwood with the party’s pink bus.
That is why we have our own policy on women rights with our stand up and piss policy.
Women should be standing up to wee if they want gender equality.
Let me explain. We believe that for women to be taken serious by men in the workplace is that women must urinate standing. We therefore will promote the use of urinals for women and end the practice of sitting to piss.
How will we get women to urinate standing? With the aid of a shewee device. We will issue every woman in the country a shewee straight from eBay.
Introducing the shewee!
At a cost of £3.99 each then to provide 35 million females with a shewee will cost the country £140 million. A small price to pay for women empowerment.
So what is a shewee?
The shewee in its glory!
The shewee allows women to urinate whilst standing.
As quoted from the offical shewee website:
“Invented in 1999 by Samantha Fountain while at university, the Shewee was made as a way to improve trips to toilets for women. The germs, doors that don’t lock, lack of loo roll; all things that women hate about (the usually disgusting) women’s public toilets can be solved with the use of a Shewee.
The first Shewee was made publicly available in 2003, and since has become fully established in the outdoor market, which is where our passions lie. Due to the long amounts of time spent outdoors, usually in places where loos are few and far between, the Shewee fell into the outdoor market with ease.
Shewee is now rapidly appealing to ‘everyday’ women who, like us, hate using public toilets and want something to make it easier and cleaner than trying to squat and hover over away from the germs.”
How to use a shewee.
Women are to carry their shewees with them at all times.
Now men and women can have gender equality.
Even top celebrities are recommending shewees…
As seen on Top Gear!
Once all of our women are peeing standing, we will then carry out our next policy in women rights. That is to ban male and female toilets. Instead all toilets in the workplace and all public toilets will be unisex. Women and men can standing pissing together shoulder to shoulder. We believe that this will be the ultimate expression of women empowerment and equality of the sexes.
Unisex toilets is all about gender equality.
With our women peeing next to their bosses at work, this will help to ensure equal pay and promotion to the board.
The workplace toilet!
If you agree with our women empowerment policy then please vote for us on May 7th.
We are the fastest growing political party in Scotland.
Only the Monkey Party take the piss seriously.
The Monkey Party secretary
If you are interested in the shewee then please visit the official shewee website at:
If you wish to buy a shewee then purchases can be made on eBay at:
The Monkey Party General Election Campaign 2015 – part 7
Today is the start of week 3 of our election campaign. Our wee monkey has given his party members a stunning speech at the Edinburgh International Conference Centre (EICC) this morning. The focus of his speech was on the economy.
Putting trust back into Parliament
So what is the solution to the Europe debt crisies, high taxes, the ever rising unemployment, increasing cost of living etc…? Well, the Monkey Party has the solution.
We have a plan for growth!
We have a plan for jobs!
We have a plan for tax cuts!
So what is our plan?
Our plan is simple, we are going to send a cuddly toy to the surface of moon by the end of the decade and safely bring him back to planet Earth.
We will send a cuddly toy to the surface of the moon by the end of the decade and will safely bring him back.
That is our plan for growth!
Let us explain….
By sending a British cuddly toy to the moon, this will require research into the sciences. We will develop new technologies that we can trade with overseas. Oversea countries will want to buy our new advances.
Our country national debt is £4.6 trillion. We can only pay off this debt if we generate new industries in our country. The cuddly toy moon landing project will produce the new industies that our country needs. With new supersonic engines and super conductor computers, we will be selling “Made in UK” products all over the world.
The prototype moon landing module for our proposed cuddly toy moon landing project. Technology developed from this Airfix model will be traded overseas.
Unemployment in the UK is currently 2.8 million. The proposed cuddly toy moon landing project requires a work force of approximately 2.8 million workers. Everyone will have a job when the Monkey Party is in power.
It is forecast that the cuddly toy moon landing project will cost £2.4 trillion. That is a lot!
So how are we going to pay for the cuddly toy moon landing project?
Are we going to raise taxes I hear you cry. NO, NO, NO and absolutly not!
We will not raise taxes for the cuddly toy moon landing project.
Read my lips, no more tax rises.
Instead, we will cull Tory MPs in Parliament. It has been reported that Tory MPs are claiming £2.4 trillion in coffee expenses in the Houses of Parliament coffee shop. So, we will cull all elected Tory MPs and the saved money will be diverted to the cuddly toy moon landing project.
So as you can clearly see, the cuddly toy moon landing project is affordable without the need for tax rises.
The investment in to this project will generate £9.7 trillion by 2020. That is more than enough to pay off our national debt of £4.6 trillion. The £5.1 trillion extra will be use to pay for tax cuts for everyone. YES! EVERYONE – rich or poor, we will all get tax cuts.
VAT reduced to 2.5%.
Income tax reduced to 10%
The success from the cuddly toy moon landing project will put the GREAT back into Britain. Oversea countries will continue to trade with us, buying our new technologies and science.
This chart demonstrates the predicted growth of our GDP after the cuddly toy moon landing project.
This chart clearly shows how the UK GDP will accelerate after the cuddly toy moon landing project.
Vote for the Monkey Party in the 2015 General Elections and put a monkey into Parliament.
Put the cuddly toy on the moon and see the change.
Lets get Britain growing again.
The Monkey Party secretary
The Monkey Party General Election Campaign 2015 – part 1
Today the pathetic Prime Minister David Cameron will ask the Queen for permission to dissolve Parliament thus signalling the official start of the General Election campaign. The polls will be expected to be announced for May 7th thus we have six weeks of campaigning in front of us.
We are the fastest growing political party in Scotland.
We at the Monkey Party welcome this news as we know your suffering under the persistent failures of corrupt governments over the last seventy years.
We are the CHANGE that you need.
We are the party that listens to YOU.
If elected the Monkey Party will close the bars inside Parliament and make the MPs actually work for you.
We will make all MPs to say, “I am your obedient servent” each time they begin a speech inside Parliament.
The polls shows that we at the Monkey Party have less than 1% at the polls. We must work hard on our campaign to convince people to vote for us the party of CHANGE.
Our wee monkey was out on the streets of Edinburgh today campaigning.
If you would like to volunteer to join our campaign team please email the webmaster on our usual email address.
Monkey was knocking on residents doors this morning.
It is a clear choice for the people of Britain – a country run by fools or a country run by a cuddly toy.
Monkey was discussing his policies with residents at their door steps.
Helping you to decide.
The Monkey Party secretary
The Monkey Party response to the 2015 Budget by the Coalition Government
Today was the 2015 Budget by the Coalition Government and what a pile of dung beatles it was.
Do we seriously expect today’s annoucements will get our once great country back into shape?
Our panel of financial experts disagree!
Our expert panel at Monkey Party HQs were analyzing today’s statement.
The poor got poorer and the rich got richer.
The Budget statement today was a bombshell.
People exploded as they heard the Chancellor’s speech.
Our country is in debt and is now one of the most indebted countries in the world.
Today’s propose new chocolate tax by the Coalition Government will not solve our debt crisies.
From April 1st, each taxpayer is to pay a bar of chocolate to Parliament each working day. The rules are simple – if you are in full time work and aged 16 to 75 then the new tax laws requires that you pay a chocolate bar to the Government each working day.
This new chocolate tax will tax those with little or no chocolate. We have no ideal how the working class earning so litle can have enough chocolate in their pantries to pay the chocolate tax.
The super rich will be storing their chocolate in tax havens such as the Cayman Islands where the chocloate will melt in the tropical heat and will therefore become untraceable back to the British supply chain. Forgery chocolate will be sold back to the working class people of Britain and that will transfer wealth to the super rich.
We must oppose this new chocolate tax.
You can lick the new chocolate tax….
With Easter coming up, millions of working class people in the UK will be unable to eat chocolate Easter eggs due to the chocolate tax. We will have to eat real eggs instead.
No more chocolate eggs.
They can take our lives but they can never take our chocolate….
They are laughing at us!
Tomorrow the Monkey Party will published it own 2015 Budget statement. A plan for real growth for our great country.
Are you paying enough tax?
A wee poem for the ordinary tax payers:
Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he’s fed.
Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Anyway!
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.
Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his #$%$.
Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won’t be done
Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He’s good and sore.
Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he’s laid.
When he’s gone,
Do not relax,
It’s time to apply
The inheritance tax.
Accounts Receivable Tax
Airline surcharge tax
Airline Fuel Tax
Airport Maintenance Tax
Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Cooking Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Goods and Services Tax (GST)
Death Tax
Driving Permit Tax
Environmental Tax (Fee)
Excise Taxes
Income Tax
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Petrol Tax (too much per litre)
Gross Receipts Tax
Health Tax
Heating Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest Tax
Lighting Tax
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Mortgage Tax
Pension Tax
Personal Income Tax
Property Tax
Poverty Tax
Prescription Drug Tax
Real Estate Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Retail Sales Tax
Service Charge Tax
School Tax
Telephone Tax
Value Added Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Water Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
Tax (VAT) on Tax.
And Now they want a blooming Carbon Tax!
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, & our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world… We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middle cl#$%$,a huge manufacturing base, and Mum stayed home to raise the kids.
What in the Hell happened? Could it be the lying parasitic politicians wasting our money?
Oh, and don’t forget the relatively new bank charges….
VOTE Monkey at the General Elections.
The Monkey Party secretary
The Monkey Party 2015 Pre-Budget statement
Tomorrow is Budget 2015. This is the last budget speech before the General Election and no doubt be full of false lies to convince the sheeple to vote for them. The Chancellor George Osborne will make his Budget 2015 statement to Parliament on Wednesday 18th March 2015 at 1230 hours.
Do you remember this hellish scene from last year’s Budget?
At Monkey Party HQs our team of financial experts from Oxford University and Cambridge University, and the London School of Economics will be analyzing the budget speech as it is read out.
Our experts at Monkey Party HQs will be answering your Q&As.
We will be bringing you live updates from the day events so that you are always informed of what is happening and just how bad it really is once we take out the b******t.
Did you vote for him?
Don’t be fooled into thinking that our Prime Minister has your interests at heart with his pre-election spin nonsense. It is all spin to get the sheeple to vote for him on May 7th.
Our Prime Minister listens to you!?!
On March 19th we the Monkey Party will be publishing our alternative Monkey Party Budget 2015 statement.
Monkey reading up his 2015 Budget speech statement.
We at the Monkey Party listens to you.
We know your suffering…
…and we know the solutions.
That is why you must VOTE monkey on May 7th.
Our alternative Monkey Party Budget 2015 statement will have REAL promises to YOU and YOUR family.
Our 2014 Budget statement is here: https://britisharmysgtmonkey.wordpress.com/2014/03/20/the-monkey-party-2014-budget-statement/
Vote Monkey and lets get monkey power.
The Monkey Party secretary
The Monkey Party General Election Campaign 2015
Hello voters and monkey fans. It is only two months before the General Elections in the UK. This is a chance for REAL change. Yes “REAL” change. Let us kick out the elitist politicians and put our wee cuddly toy monkey into power.
Only a monkey cuddly toy can represent us the working class. With Sgt. Monkey as our Prime Minister we will guarantee the following:
No more tax rises
No more illegal wars
No more expenses scandals
No more poverty
No more homelessness
No more job losses
No more low pay
No more recession
No more bank bail outs
No more banker bonuses
No more lost of pensions
No more lost of personal savings
In addition we promise to send Tony Blair to the International War Crimes Tribual in the Hague.
We believe that ex-prime ministers must be held to account for their own actions.
Are you fed up of the same LABLIBCON polictians ruining our once great country then vote MONKEY on May 7th and see the REAL change.
We are the fastest growing political party in Scotland.
We are today officially starting our 2015 General Elections campaign today. The MONKEY PARTY is the fastest growing political party in the UK. We offer real change to the 70 years of corruption by the ruling political elite.
Our wee monkey was out on the streets of Edinburgh today campaigning.
Over the years we the MONKEY PARTY had stood up to the LABLIBCON stooges and offer REAL change to the ordinary people of the UK. This is our second General Election campaign and we are roaring to FIGHT. Are you?
Please study our policys that we had proposed over the years.
Monkey was discussing his policies with residents at their door steps.
You may had remember our policys such as our opposition to the sex tax a.k.a “bonk” tax. You may also remember that we support joining the BUMS organisation (Borneo Union of Member States). You may also remember our cuddly toy moon landing program. You may also remember our opposition to the Edinburgh trams farce and our alternative scheme for the piggyback to work scheme. We also campaign for an inflatable water slide to be built in Edinburgh swimming pool. You may also remember that we propose that we drop the collapsing British pound and instead base a new currency called the COCO based upon our coconuts standard reserve. Finally would could forget out unsuccessful campaign in 2010 to bring back Captain Caveman to our telly.
We need volunteers in our 2015 General Elections campaign.
Our elections campaigning team
Can you spare a few hours a week to help us with our campaign?
We need volunteers to deliver our leaflets and to knock on people doors. Can you help? If so, please contact our webmaster on our usual email and tell us how you can help the MONKEY PARTY campaign.
We will give all of our campaign volunteers a pistachio nut for their hard work.
We will be giving away a free pistachio nut to all of our volunteers.
We don’t pay bus fare expenses as unlike the mainstream policical parties we do not accept lobbyist bribes and thus we are skint.
Please join the FIGHT back.
The Monkey Party secretary
Scotland Referendum: The Big Decision!
As you all know, Scotland will vote for it independance from the ruthless English thugs later tomorrow.
This could led to breakup of the Unitied Kingdom as we know it!
We at the Monkey Party take this referendum seriously and we are running the “maybe” campaign. All today we have been putting up “maybe” stickers all over Edinburgh’s bus stops. We have no debate so just decided to stick stickers up everywhere and not actually informing members of the public what our policys are.
The public supports the Monkey Party.
We do not support the “yes” campaign led by the pretend King of Scotland Alex Salmond nor do we support the “no” campaign led by the muppet clown David Cameron. The Monkey Party is a political party of principles and we will NEVER form a coalition with an enemy political party as we will NEVER betray our supporters (UNLIKE THE LIB DEMS). Even if we agree with the policys of rival political partys we will never support that policy because it comes from our rivals and not from our own mouths. That is why we are running the case for a “MAYBE” vote at the referendum as we do not back the yes or the no vote.
We at the Monkey Party believe that the “maybe” vote is the best option for the people of Scotland as a vote for either David Cameron “no” vote or the King of Scotland “yes” vote is a vote for tyrants.
The two tyrants who want to rule YOUR life!
YOU ARE FREE PEOPLE – do not vote for a tyrant.
If you vote either “yes” or “no” in the referendum then you are voting for the ruling elite to rule over your LIFE!
BE FREE – do not let a politican rule and ruin your life.
Make your own decisions and live life the way you want to lead it – DON’T let others make decisions for you.
If the referendum results with a “MAYBE” results then no one will have won the vote and thus noone will be place in charge of Scotland. The country will be leaderless.
IMAGINE a Scotland without a leader – you will be free to do anything you want (except murder).
THINK of a country without a government! You will be free from rules and laws and more important you will have no tax liabilities. You earn the money so keep it, don’t give your hard earnings to the tryants.
We at the Monkey Party believe that the best politician will be the one that keeps his/her mouth shut and not do anything! SO DON’T vote any such creeps into power. Imagine a country without politicians – there will be no WAR, no DEBT and no TONY BLAIR!
Politicians always screw up! This has been proven to be true many times over in the last sixty years of British politics. So don’t vote for them. Scotland does not need Cameron or King Salmond in power.
The Prime Minister with his referendum chief advisor.
Each time a politican leader makes a decision or speaks his/her mind – the result has been mayhem! Wars are started, tax goes up and stock markets collapse.
THAT is why you must vote neither “yes” or “no”.
The Electoral Commission has now printed the OFFICAL ballot paper for the referendum. Below is a copy of the ballot paper – as you can see the “MAYBE” vote is the third box down. For those Scots who don’t speak Scottish the Scottish word for maybe is mibbe.
The ballot paper for the referendum.
We have carefully examined the facts and decided that “maybe” is the way forward!
We ask all our supporters to vote “maybe” on this important referendum.
Thank you and please vote “maybe” tomorrow.
MAYBE is the way forward for Scotland!
The Monkey Party Secretary
Please cast your vote in our poll below:
My travels to Russia in 2014 – part 4
Today was my last day in Moscow before travelling to Saint Petersburg.
I decided to visit the Cathedral of Christ the Saviour.
The newly rebuilt Cathedral of Christ the Saviour.
It is on the northern bank of the Moskva River, a few blocks southwest of the Kremlin.
The cathedral is the tallest Orthodox cathedral in the world.
With a height of 103 metres (338 ft), it is the tallest Orthodox Christian church in the world.
Me posing in front of Cathedral of Christ the Saviour.
The orginal cathedral was destroyed in 1931 during the Communist rule of Stalin. The demolition was supposed to make way for a colossal Palace of the Soviets that was never built. In the 1990’s the catheral was reconstructed.
The construction of the Palace of Soviets was interrupted owing to a lack of funds and the outbreak of WW2. The flooded foundation hole remained on the site it was transformed into the world’s largest open air swimming pool, named Moskva Pool. The pool remained until 1995.
The cathedral was scene of the provocative guerrilla performance of the feminist Pussy Riots rock protest group leading to their arrest and international fame.
The cathedral was the scene of the Pussy Riots protestors.
The first Russian President Boris Yeltsin, who died of heart failure in 2007, lay in state in the cathedral prior to his burial in Novodevichy Cemetery.
In the gardens to the side of the cathedral is the monumental statue of Alexander II. The Monument to Alexander II, officially called the Monument to Emperor Alexander II, the Liberator Tsar, is a memorial of Emperor Alexander II of Russia.
This monument was constructed in 2005.
This is the second monument to Alexander II and was completed in 2005. The sight of Cathedral of Christ the Saviour of the monument was chosen in part because Alexander helped lay the foundation for the original Christ the Saviour Cathedral.
The first monument to Alexander II stood above the Kremlin’s Taynitsky Gardens and was built in 1898 but was destroyed by the Bolsheviks in 1918.
This is the second monument to Alexander II.
An attraction that is becoming popular with tourists is the Moscow Metro. The first line was opened in 1935.
It is popular because of the architectural design consisting of reflective marble walls, high ceilings and grandiose chandeliers.
The metro incorporated the Communist Party’s propaganda messages.
Many symbols of communist ideology are on display such as statues illustrating images of war and victory.
One of the statues of the Moscow Metro.
The metro also has very long escalators as this clip shows:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0cT_oDULbI
It appeared that I had spent much of my trip to Moscow on these escalators. Mind these people in Iraq have never seen a escalator before and have no ideal how to ride one!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Anl2ooLNPU4
My last scheduled meeting with president Putin was to take place this afternoon before I travelled to Saint Petersburg for a wee city break.
At the peace talks I was offered a deal by president Putin to exchange the Crimea for the Scottish Shetland islands. After careful consideration, I accepted this proposal as this would led to peace in the Crimea and Ukraine region.
So after signing the paperwork, the Shetlands is now officially part of the Russia federation and the Crimea is now part of Scotland. Peace in our time….
After the peace talks, I went for a riverside walk in Gorky park.
During the Soviet-era Gorky Park used to host an amusement park with fun fairs and rides. Over the years the rides became decrepit, and the park was swamped with cheap attractions and cafes. In 2011 the Gorky Park underwent a major reconstruction.
The russian space shuttle.
One of the bizarre sights in Gorky park is a Buran space shuttle prototype, which never flew to space.
After my walk I went for a city walk to see one of the Seven Sisters. The Seven Sisters are a group of seven skyscrapers in Moscow designed in the Stalinist style.
One of the Seven Sisters.
They were built from 1947 to 1953.
Brightly lit up at night.
It was getting late. Tomorrow I was to fly to Saint Petersburg.
To be continued….
For more information about Russia please visit:
My travels to Russia in 2014 – part 3
For my next day in Moscow, I was going to so some sightseeing inside the Kremlin. The Kremlin is just to the west of the Red Square. The complex serves as the official residence of the President of the Russian Federation. The Kremlin together with the Red Square is a UNESCO World Heritage Site.
View of the Kremlin from the Moskva River.
Within the walls of the Kremlin are five palaces and four cathedrals.
Cannons outside one of the palaces.
Cathedral Square is the heart of the Kremlin.
Me in Cathedral Square.
The square is surrounded by six buildings, including three cathedrals.
One of the four cathedrals inside the Kremlin.
The Ivan the Great Bell Tower with a height of 81 metres (266 ft). The bell tower today contains 22 bells. Until the Russian Revolution, it was the tallest structure in Moscow, as construction of buildings taller than that was forbidden.
Me posing next to the bell tower.
The largest bell in the world, the Great Uspensky Bell, or the Tsar Bell, stands at the foot of the Ivan the Great Bell Tower.
The largest bell in the world, the Great Uspensky Bell.
It weighs 65.5 tons
My next scheduled meeting with president Putin at the peace talks went well. After giving Putin my auntie’s homemade cookies he began to open up in our discussions on peace. He said he might pull troops out of the Crimea if in exchange we can swop the Crimea in exchange for part of the UK! So that had me thinking what part of the UK do I trade for in exchange for the Crimea…. mmm…. maybe the Shetlands? I will have to phone the prime minister tonight.
After the meeting, Putin decided to take me to MacDonalds for dinner.
In 1988 McDonalds got permission from the Communist Party of Soviet Union to open its first restaurant in Soviet Russia and so in 1990 the first MacDonnalds opened up.
The best restaurant in Moscow?
People from all over Russia wanted to visit this “pearl of the capitalism” so there were literary a mile long line of the visitors to this place.
Lots of funny writing on the menu.
Mind, the beefburgers doesn’t taste any better here than it does in the Western world.
To be continued….
For more information about Russia please visit:
My travels to Russia in 2014 – part 2
For my second day in Moscow I was going to visit the Novodevichy Convent. This convent remained virtually intact since the 17th century and so in 2004, it was proclaimed a UNESCO World Heritage Site.
Novodevichy Convent is a UNESCO World Heritage Site.
The convent was founded in 1524 by Grand Duke Vasily III to celebrate the recapture of Smolensk from the Lithuanians.
The entrance to Novodevichy Convent.
The convent was built as a fortress at a curve of the Moskva River.
A tower on the walls of the convent.
The oldest structure in the convent is the six-pillared five-domed cathedral, dedicated to the icon Our Lady of Smolensk.
The cathedral dedicated to the Our Lady of Smolensk.
Extant documents date its construction to 1524–1525. Most scholars agree that the cathedral was rebuilt in the 1550s or 1560s.
Me posing in front of the Cathedral of Our Lady of Smolensk.
In 1922, the Bolsheviks closed down the convent but the nuns returned in 1994.
The cathedral was built at the Convent’s founding.
The domes were added a century after the cathedral construction.
One of the five domes on the cathedral.
In 1812, Napoleon’s army made an attempt to blow up the convent, but the nuns saved the convent from destruction.
It was a clear sunny day for my visit.
Other buildings of note includes the red and white Church of the Assumption and the neighboring refectory, the soaring bell-tower and the north and south gate churches.
Other buildings in the convent includes the Church of the Assumption.
The bell-tower was built to a height of 72 metres (236 ft), making it the tallest structure in 18th-century Moscow (after the Ivan the Great Bell Tower in the Kremlin).
The octagonal bell-tower.
The convent is also famous for its cemetery, which is the final resting place for a number of Russian cultural and political figures, including Chekhov and Shostakovich.
The cemetery was designed by Ivan Mashkov and inaugurated in 1898.
Novodevichy Cemetery is next to the convent.
Famous Russians buried here includes Borris Yeltsin (1931-2007). The first post Soviet era president.
Boris Yeltsin monument at Novodevichy Cemetery.
Boris Yeltsin was the first freely elected President of Russia serving 1991 to 1999. He voluntarily resigned from the post in 1999, leaving the job to Putin.
After visting the convent and the cemetery I went for a walk in the park outside the convent. It was a clear sunny day but the lake was still frozen from the winter.
The lake was frozen.
After my sightseeing I was scheduled to meet president Putin for the second round of talks in the peace confernece that I was hosting over the Ukraine crisis. After the poor start to my first meeting with the president in which he poured a jug of water over me, I decided that I need to be more diplomatic for the second round of talks. Before I flew out to Russia, my auntie gave me a tin of homemade cookies. Mmmmm….. so what if I give president Putin the homemade cookies? Maybe he would more opening with peace discussions.
So anyway, I arrived at the Kremlin (via the back door) and the peace talks began. Putin was very impressed by my auntie’s homemade cookies and he offered me a vodka. We began talking on the serious matter at hand that is the Ukraine and the Crimea crisis. President Putin said that he was not going to change his stance to a cuddly toy negotiator. Oh well…. maybe better success tomorrow with the peace talks.
To be continued….
For more information about Russia please visit:
My travels to Russia in 2014 – part 1
Yesterday, I flew back from Moscow in Russia. I spent eight days in Russia as the head negotiator of a Unitied Nations peace talks to discuss the Crimea crisies with president Putin. Would he listen to the monkey? I also had time to do some sightseeing in both Moscow and Saint Petersburg.
It was cold when I flew into Moscow but not as cold as I was expecting.
Arriving at Moscow’s Domodedovo Airport.
After checking into my hotel, I headed to the Red Square.
Me at the entrance to the Red Square.
The Red Square is the heart of Moscow and together with the Kremlin was recognized as a UNESCO World Heritage Site in 1990, due to their inextricable links to Russian history.
The buildings surrounding the Square are all significant in some respect. Lenin’s Mausoleum, for example, contains the embalmed body of Vladimir Ilyich Lenin, the founder of the Soviet Union.
The Red Square is the heart and soul of Russia.
The Red Square get its name from the Russian word красная (krasnaya) which can mean either “red” or “beautiful”. It is the latter that implies the Red Square. Many tourists falsely thinks the Red Square get its name from the red walls of the surrounding Kremlin walls.
Me in the Red Square.
The Red Square hosts the annual military victory day parade. Russian military vehicles are paraded through the square. Last years parade is here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjeW74XcAvc
Next on my sightseeing was to visit the Kazan Cathedral on the northeast of the Red Square. This is a reconstruction of the orginal cathedral built in the 17th century.
Kazan Cathedral was rebuilt in 1993.
The orginal cathedral was destroyed in 1936 under orders of Stalin.
The cathedral is very pretty.
The new building is an exact copy of the orginal cathedral.
Next on my visit was the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier on the walls of the Kremlin just next to the Red Square. This tomb contains the remains of unknown soldiers killed in the Battle of Moscow 1941.
The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier is dedicated to the Soviet soldiers killed during World War II.
Since 1997, a Guard of Honour of the Kremlin Regiment guards the tomb.
The changing of the guards takes place on the hour.
The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier was unveiled to the public on May 8th 1967.
The soldiers perform their movements in synchronize steps.
The changing of the guards attracts a large tourist crowd.
I then inspected the guards.
Next on my visit of the Red Square was Saint Basil’s Cathedral. It is no longer a church but now a museum.
The Cathedral of Vasily the Blessed, commonly known as Saint Basil’s Cathedral.
As part of the program of state atheism, the church was confiscated from the Russian Orthodox community as part of the Soviet Union’s anti-theist campaigns and has operated as a division of the State Historical Museum since 1928.
Me admiring Saint Basil’s Cathedral.
After visiting the cathedral I went to the exclusive shopping mall next to the Red Square known as the Glavnyi Universalnyi Magazin (GUM). With the collapse of communism, nowadays the GUM is very exclusive and the rich and famous shop here for top end fashions and jewellery.
Glavnyi Universalnyi Magazin (GUM) known as the State Department Store.
I was looking at the exclusive yellow diamonds at Tiffany and Co. I was considering getting my auntie a yellow diamond pendant. I was quoted 14,000 Euros. On my army salary I will have to save a while.
It was now getting dark and I wanted to see the Red Square at night. The colour scheme of Saint Basil’s Cathedral is best seen by night.
Saint Basil’s Cathedral at night.
After dinner, I went to the Kremlin for my first meeting with President Putin. I told him that he must not invade the Ukraine. He then pour his glass of water over my cotton fur and walked out of the conference. I have to be more diplomatic tomorrow at the next scheduled meeting.
With my failure at the first day of the peace talks, I decided to get drunk and visit a brothel.
I went to a exclusive gentlemen’s club.
To be continued….
For more information about Russia please visit:
My peace mission to Russia
Comrades, I have been selected by the United Nations to led a team of peace delegates to Moscow. I am to act as a mediator between the Russia and Ukraine in the crisies that could trigger World War 3 and nuclear apocalypse if I am to fail in my mission.
As you may be aware in recent news, Russia and Ukraine are on the brink of war over the terrain of the Crimea.
A map of Ukraine with the region of Crimea highlighted.
The United Nations had instructed me to negotiate a peace deal between the two countries.
Troops are being deployed.
I am to fly to Moscow tonight and I will have my first meeting with president Putin tomorrow in the Kremlin.
People are wanting blood!
I am somewhat nervous but I accept this responsibility of peace negotiator.
Soldiers are forcing people to strip naked!
I may get to do some sightseeing too and visit one of Moscow’s famous brothels! But, obviously my mission comes first.
So this afternoon, I am packing my bags for this mission.
Me packing for my trip to Moscow.
Can I bring peace in our time?
Will he listen to our cuddly toy monkey peace negotiator?
To be continued….
The Monkey Party response to the 2014 Budget by the Coalition Government
Today was the 2014 Budget by the Coalition Government and what a load of donkey dung it was!
Our financial experts at the Monkey Party HQs listened to the Chancellor of the Exchequer as he read out his budget statement in Parliament this afternoon. Our party members and experts became ill listening to today’s budget and our deputy leader of the Monkey Party took a cardiac arrest followed by a major stroke before falling off his chair and breaking his hip.
The poor got poorer and the rich got richer.
We were shocked to learn of the new condom taxation.
Enough is enough.
The government proposal today that anyone buying condoms will now have to pay a 50p condom tax per packet.
Condoms will also come with corporate sponsorship.
We the Monkey Party had also been advised by expert medical professionals that a condom tax could led to an increase in STD’s and unwanted pregnancies. This simply because couples will more likely to have unprotected sex as they are not able to afford condoms with the newly added tax.
As far as we are concern, this condom tax is a tax on pleasure! Can we not even make love anymore without taxation.
The new condom tax comes in force on April 1st 2015.
Now we have the condom tax.
We at the Monkey Party HQs will fight against this condom tax.
The government also announced today a new sex tax. This sex tax comes in forces on December 25th 2014.
The government budget statement today suggests that any couple having sex are to pay a sex tax to HMRC. It is expected that couples are to file a sex actitivies form (Form 69) to the HMRC at the end of each tax year declaring the number of times that they had sex.
Failure to declare any acts of sexual intercourse will result in a £100 fine.
Are you declaring your sexual activitites to the HMRC.
We understand that the government intends to enforce this sex tax with the sex detection van. This detection van will ensure that couples are not having sex together in secret and prevents tax avoidance. The sex detection van will roam our streets with their listening devices listening out for sounds of creaking beds and moans of pleasure as well as the legendary G-spot BIG “O” GRRRRRGROAN. A sex tax inspector will call on people doors to ensure that tax is paid to the HMRC. The inspectors will allow you 5 minutes to answer the door to give you time to put your clothes back on.
We also understand that from the budget statement today, the sex tax will have three bandings.
Sex will be classed into 3 bands and thus the appropriate tax rates apply:
BAND 1 LOWER RATE: A quickie* will be £5 tax.
BAND 2 BASIC RATE: A full on session will be £10 tax.
BAND 3 HIGHER RATE: Finally, a threesome will be £20 tax because more people are involved.
*Definition of a quickie is an act of sexual intercourse lasting less than 2 minutes.
From our understanding, self-pleasure masturbation is exempt from this sex tax. That because all of our MPs in Westminister are tossers themselves and want to avoid paying the sex tax.
Assuming sex under the basic rate tariff of £10 a sex session, the annual sex tax bill will be dependant upon how often a horny couple make love:
Once a month £120
Once a fortnight £260
Once a week £520
Twice a week £1040
Every night £3650
As these figures clearly illustrates – a very horny couple or a prostitute can expect a bill of £3650 a year from the sex tax.
We at the Monkey Party believe that couples that are happy in love will not be able to afford to make love to each other and will end up living in a monastery as a celibrate couple.
This couple cannot afford the sex tax.
We at the Monkey Party believe that having sex is the last remaining free pleasure that a person can have without taxation. We are already taxed on drinking, smoking and gambling. Now we have to pay tax each time we make love to our loved ones. Is there anything left anymore that isn’t taxed. Even dying comes with a tax!
We will fight this sex tax and make sex a free activity for happy couples.
SEX SHOULD NOT BE TAXING!
Tomorrow the Monkey Party will published it own 2014 Budget statement. A plan for real growth for our great country.
Monkey was discussing his policies with residents at their door steps.
A wee poem for the ordinary tax payers:
Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he’s fed.
Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Anyway!
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.
Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his #$%$.
Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won’t be done
Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He’s good and sore.
Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he’s laid.
When he’s gone,
Do not relax,
It’s time to apply
The inheritance tax.
Accounts Receivable Tax
Airline surcharge tax
Airline Fuel Tax
Airport Maintenance Tax
Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Cooking Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Goods and Services Tax (GST)
Death Tax
Driving Permit Tax
Environmental Tax (Fee)
Excise Taxes
Income Tax
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Petrol Tax (too much per litre)
Gross Receipts Tax
Health Tax
Heating Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest Tax
Lighting Tax
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Mortgage Tax
Pension Tax
Personal Income Tax
Property Tax
Poverty Tax
Prescription Drug Tax
Real Estate Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Retail Sales Tax
Service Charge Tax
School Tax
Telephone Tax
Value Added Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Water Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
Tax (VAT) on Tax.
And Now they want a blooming Carbon Tax!
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, & our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world… We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middle cl#$%$,a huge manufacturing base, and Mum stayed home to raise the kids.
What in the Hell happened? Could it be the lying parasitic politicians wasting our money?
Oh, and don’t forget the relatively new bank charges….
VOTE Monkey at the General Elections.
The Monkey Party secretary
The Monkey Party 2014 Pre-Budget statement
Chancellor George Osborne will make his Budget 2014 statement to Parliament on Wednesday 19th March 2014. We at the Monkey Party HQs look forward to the Chancellor’s speech but we also know that it will be utter nonsense as he will convince us that we never had it better! Our team of financial experts from the Monkey Party will be analyzing the Budget speech as it is read out.
Don’t be fooled into thinking that our Prime Minister will generate growth in our country.
Did you vote for this man? God help you if you did!
Can you trust these two:
Our Prime Minister proud to stand shoulder to shoulder with the Americans.
DON’T suffer any more and listen to our alternative Monkey Party Budget 2014 statement.
On Thursday 20th March we the Monkey Party will be presenting our very own Budget statement that will highlight our plan to help to revitalise the devestating country finances.
We know that you all had suffered but only WE at the Monkey Party know how to get this country growing again and to make your life happy and debt free.
Monkey meeting his voters on the streets.
Our Budget statement will be online at 1500 hours on Thursday 20th March.
Today our wee monkey was busy reading the Financial Times studying the charts for the UK economy.
Our 2013 Budget statement is here: https://britisharmysgtmonkey.wordpress.com/2013/03/21/the-monkey-party-2013-budget-statement/
Vote Monkey and let us get common sense into power.
The Monkey Party secretary
Scotland Referendum: The Case for a Maybe Vote!
As you all know, Scotland will vote for it independance from the ruthless English thugs later on this year.
This could led to breakup of the Unitied Kingdom as we know it!
We at the Monkey Party take this referendum seriously and we are running the “maybe” campaign.
The public supports the Monkey Party.
We do not support the “yes” campaign led by the pretend King of Scotland Alex Salmond nor do we support the “no” campaign led by the muppet clown David Cameron. The Monkey Party is a political party of principles and we will NEVER form a coalition with an enemy political party as we will NEVER betray our supporters (UNLIKE THE LIB DEMS). Even if we agree with the policys of rival political partys we will never support that policy because it comes from our rivals and not from our own mouths. That is why we are running the case for a “MAYBE” vote at the referendum as we do not back the yes or the no vote.
We at the Monkey Party believe that the “maybe” vote is the best option for the people of Scotland as a vote for either David Cameron “no” vote or the King of Scotland “yes” vote is a vote for tyrants.
The two tyrants who want to rule YOUR life!
YOU ARE FREE PEOPLE – do not vote for a tyrant.
If you vote either “yes” or “no” in the referendum then you are voting for the ruling elite to rule over your LIFE!
BE FREE – do not let a politican rule and ruin your life.
Make your own decisions and live life the way you want to lead it – DONT let others make decisions for you.
If the referendum results with a “MAYBE” results then no one will have won the vote and thus noone will be place in charge of Scotland. The country will be leaderless.
IMAGINE a Scotland without a leader – you will be free to do anything you want (except murder).
THINK of a country without a government! You will be free from rules and laws and more important you will have no tax liabilities. You earn the money so keep it, don’t give your hard earnings to the tryants.
We at the Monkey Party believe that the best politician will be the one that keeps his/her mouth shut and not do anything! SO DON’T vote any such creeps into power. Imagine a country without politicians – there will be no WAR, no DEBT and no TONY BLAIR!
Politicians always screw up! This has been proven to be true many times over in the last sixty years of British politics. So don’t vote for them. Scotland does not need Cameron or King Salmond in power.
The Prime Minister with his referendum chief advisor.
Each time a politican leader makes a decision or speaks his/her mind – the result has been mayhem! Wars are started, tax goes up and stock markets collapse.
THAT is why you must vote neither “yes” or “no”.
The Electoral Commission has now printed the OFFICAL ballot paper for the referendum. Below is a copy of the ballot paper – as you can see the “MAYBE” vote is the third box down. For those Scots who don’t speak Scottish the Scottish word for maybe is mibbe.
The ballot paper for the referendum.
We have carefully examined the facts and decided that “maybe” is the way forward!
We ask all our supporters to vote “maybe” on this important referendum.
Thank you and please vote “maybe” in 2014.
MAYBE is the way forward for Scotland!
The Monkey Party Secretary
Please cast your vote in our poll below:
Monkey opens up about his sexuality
British Army Sgt. Monkey yesterday revealed he is dating a monkey – but still like girls.
The 19 year old, who served in war conflicts around the world, broke the news in an emotional youtube video message to his fans.
In the clip, which shows Sgt. Monkey lying on his bed surrounded by union jack pillows, he says his feeling for the unknown monkeyfriend had taken him “by surprise” but he wanted to celebrate his romance rather than hiding it.
Monkey said: “Come spring this year, my life changed massively when I met someone and it made me feel so happy, so safe and everything just feels great. And that someone is a monkey and it did take me by surprise a little bit. It was always in the back of my head that something like that could happen but it wasn’t until spring this year that something just clicked. It felt right and I was like, ‘Ah OK’ and my whole world changed right there and then. And of course I still fancy girls, but right now I’m dating a monkey and I couldn’t be happier. It just feels safe and right.”
Monkey with his monkeyfriend.
The webmaster team
The Monkey Party 2013 Budget statement
Yesterday was the coalition government budget statement and what a load of Tesco’s beefburgers a.k.a. horsemeat it was!
Horsemeat the state of our country’s finances.
Our experts at the Monkey Party HQs listened to the chancellor of the exchequer 2013 Budget speech and whilst we welcome measures to reduce tax and to encourage growth, it is not enough.
Our country is in a deep hole. We are losing credibility and we have just lost our AAA credit rating making our debt more expensive to pay off. Was yesterday’s budget going to restore our country’s pride? The speech yesterday was typical give with one hand, take with the other hand. The poor got poorer and the rich got richer under the budget yesterday.
Our country finances are in a mess, look at this chart.
The Chancellor’s financial heartbeat.
At first glance this chart looks like a ECG chart and not a GDP chart. It is in fact showing the heartbeat of our chancellor during his speech yesterday. Clearly, he was under stress and he does not have the nerves to deliver a financial winner. In fact, our experts at the Monkey Party HQs thought our chancellor was going to drop before he finishes his speech.
Our key financial experts studies these financial ECG charts carefully and their key findings are: a marked ST-segment depression in the lateral precordial leads (V5, V6) consistent with subendocardial injury. Clearly our chancellor was having a cardiac yesterday as he faced up to the country finances.
Our wee cuddly toy monkey has listened to you. Yes, YOU – the public! We listened to your suffering and feel your pain. We are now going to present our 2013 Budget – the Monkey Party action plan to get Britain growing again.
Our wee monkey was busy today with his budget statement preparations.
We propose that the key to growth is departing the EU. Ahhh… but that is the far right UKIP and BNP policy I hear you say. But listen, we want to leave the EU and join the powermarkets of the Far East. Yes, thats right, our wee monkey is taking our country to his home of Borneo. We are going to join BUMS (the Borneo Union of Member States).
BUMS currently have three member states, that being Malaysia, Indonesia and Brunei. The United Kingdom will become the fourth member state of BUMS. We will apply to the UN to get official recognition to get the UK become offically part of geographical Borneo. We wil then leave Europe forever. We will no longer be tied to the Euro crisies. Instead, Britain as part of the growing Asian financial Tiger will be on the mend and a proud member of BUMS. We will ask God himself to move our wee island to the South China Sea off Borneo and the new Pope will assist God in this almighty task. Britain will only be 20kms off the coast of Malyasia.
The four member states of Borneo Union of Member States (BUMS).
As a member state of BUMS, we will adopt the COCO currency. The British Pound is riddled with dept and has lost 66% of it value over the last 30 years due to inflation. However, the COCO which is linked to the coconut reserves of Borneo is a stable currency. It is not based on fractional banking where new money is created as debt thus existing money devalues as new debt is created. Oh no, the COCO is not a fractional banking currency, it is based on a real commodity that is the coconut reserves of Borneo. If we run out of COCOS, we simply plant more coconut trees.
The COCO currency.
With us adopting the COCO as our currency, we will be free of the debt crisies of Europe. The COCO each weighing 1kg each will solve our pickpockers crime wave. With each COCO so bloody heavy, pickpockers yobs will no longer be able to run away so easily after doing their bad deeds. So you be able to catch the little devils and duff them up with your baseball bat.
So, what is BUMS key industries? With Britain being recognised as geographically part of Borneo, the climate in the UK will become tropical. 60 million British people will need air-conditioners. Yes, we in the UK will build air-conditioners. Selling 60 million aircon unit will generate real manufactoring growth into our country. Britain will become the aircon powerhouse of the world and you Brits will feel the heat too.
We will become the world leader in the aircon industry.
A new climate will boast our tourism industry. Imagine tourists scuba diving on the tropical coral reefs off Liverpool and imagine the topless babes on our beaches enjoying our new tropical climate.
Scarbourgh Beach, with it tropical climate will be a magnet for tourists with money.
This graph represents our tourism industry once we had moved Britain from the North Sea to the South China Sea:
This GDP chart clearly shows how the UK will benefit from more tourism following our relocation to sunny Borneo.
Yes, thats right – we must leave Europe and not be dragged down into Eurozone debt. We will physically moved our blessed island to the powerhouse of Asia. Only then can we gain financial growth from the sell of our aircon units and topless babes tourism.
Vote MONKEY in 2015 and let us move to Asia or vote for LABLIBCON and stay in the doom and gloom of the Eurozone debt problem.
The Monkey Party secretary
The Monkey Party response to the 2013 Budget by the Coalition Government
Today was the 2013 Budget by the Coalition Government and what a load of horsemeat it was!
Our financial experts at the Monkey Party HQs listened to the Chancellor of the Exchequer as he read out his budget statement in Parliament this afternoon. We felt nausea as we listened to the speech and then puke over the living room sofa. What a load of spin it was. The poor got poorer and the rich got richer.
We were shocked to learn of the new cuddly toy licence taxation. Enough is enough. The government proposal today that all cuddly toy owners need to pay for a annual cuddly toy licence fee is just wrong.
Children up and down the country will be taxed just for having a cuddly toy. The government intends to charge £145.50 for a cuddly toy licence, the same charge as the unpopular TV licence. Our experts have not worked out if the government want us to pay a single fee for the whole household or a separate fee for each cuddly toy own. The new cuddly toy licence fee comes in force on April 1st 2014.
Failure to pay this cuddly toy licence fee will result in a visit from the cuddly toy licence fee inspectors resulting in a £1000 fine.
We at the Monkey Party HQs will fight against this cuddly toy tax.
That is why, at 8am tomorrow the Monkey Party will published it own 2013 Budget statement. A plan for real growth for our great country.
We have a plan for tax cuts.
We have a plan for growth.
We have a plan for enterprise for our stuggling businesses.
Monkey became ill after hearing the 2013 Budget speech.
A wee poem for the ordinary tax payers:
Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he’s fed.
Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Anyway!
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.
Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his #$%$.
Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won’t be done
Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He’s good and sore.
Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he’s laid.
When he’s gone,
Do not relax,
It’s time to apply
The inheritance tax.
Accounts Receivable Tax
Airline surcharge tax
Airline Fuel Tax
Airport Maintenance Tax
Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Cooking Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Goods and Services Tax (GST)
Death Tax
Driving Permit Tax
Environmental Tax (Fee)
Excise Taxes
Income Tax
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Petrol Tax (too much per litre)
Gross Receipts Tax
Health Tax
Heating Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest Tax
Lighting Tax
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Mortgage Tax
Pension Tax
Personal Income Tax
Property Tax
Poverty Tax
Prescription Drug Tax
Real Estate Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Retail Sales Tax
Service Charge Tax
School Tax
Telephone Tax
Value Added Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Water Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
Tax (VAT) on Tax.
And Now they want a blooming Carbon Tax!
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, & our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world… We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middle cl#$%$,a huge manufacturing base, and Mum stayed home to raise the kids.
What in the Hell happened? Could it be the lying parasitic politicians wasting our money?
Oh, and don’t forget the relatively new bank charges….
Please vote MONKEY in the 2015 General Elections and see the change.
The Monkey Party secretary
The Monkey Party 2013 Pre-Budget statement
Chancellor George Osborne will make his Budget 2013 statement to Parliament on Wednesday 20th March 2013. We at the Monkey Party HQs look forward to the Chancellor’s speech but we also know that it will be dribble and waffle full of nonsense and false promises. Our team of financial experts from the Monkey Party will be analyzing the Budget speech as it is read out. No doubt the Chancellor will be telling us about the pretend growth of our nation and yet the general public are paying ever rising food prices in our supermarkets and holding down minimal wage jobs are struggling to pay their bills.
Putting trust back into Parliament
We at the Monkey Party are not fools, we know the Budget speech is bogey dribble snot. That is why we at the Monkey knows what is best for Britain and that is why on Thursday 21st March, our own wee cuddly toy monkey will be delivering his alternative Budget speech. It will be a plan for REAL growth and REAL jobs for the people of our country. We at the Monkey Party have a plan and we will deliver it on the 21st March.
Our wee monkey in his office writing letters to his supporters.
Our 2012 Budget statement is here: https://britisharmysgtmonkey.wordpress.com/2012/03/21/the-monkey-party-2012-budget-statement/
We have a plan for growth!
We have a plan for jobs!
We have a plan for tax cuts!
Did you vote for these two?
Don’t let them destroy the country!
The loony tunes couple.
VOTE the Monkey Party in the 2015 General Elections and put the monkey into Downing Street. See real change not the dribble from the LABLIBCON bogiemen.
The Monkey Party secretary
britisharmysgtmonkey 